Sunday, May 22, 2011

Holy Crapture II: Post-Rapture

So you have been left behind after the Rapture. But thanks to yesterday’s preparations, you’re safe and snug in a shelter, hiding from the worst of the carnage! Have you figured out what to do next?

Fear not. Here is a handy-dandy guide to various post-apocalyptic scenarios.

It’s entirely possible that the world will end in “fire.” This might mean a nuclear war, or it might mean the burning of all the world’s cities, or it might mean something we haven’t considered. Regardless of the specifics, destruction of the world by fire is the least survivable of scenarios. It doesn’t take strength or fortitude to survive explosions. If you’re hit, that’s it. If not, you might not be able to leave the shelter without killing yourself. It was for this reason I recommended a lifetime supply of food and water. Unfortunately, this isn’t feasible unless you’re alone and really don’t mind beans and water three meals a day for the next forty to seventy years. Even then, it requires a lot of space and the ability to entertain yourself. If you have a fixed food supply, you can either do the Survivor Type method or take the big exit. But if you have companions…well, if you aren’t picturing them as pork chops, they’re picturing you.

Ice—namely a new ice age—is a possible apocalypse, despite the inaccuracies of certain movies. Most likely, the approach of a new ice age would be very slow, as in well after our great (x100) grandchildrens’ lifetimes. In this case (and if there were no further apocalyptic problems), we would be able to resume our normal lives, sans the Raptured. If, somehow, it turns out that Roland Emmerich was right, than grouping survivors together is definitely the best solution. We will have to pool our resources together and learn how to keep warm in constant winter. Keep your head covered at all times, as you lose eighty percent of your body heat through your head. Layering clothing is recommended. If you’re performing strenuous activity, you want to be able to shed layers rather than disrobe completely, which invites frostbite. Remember to wear a waterproof outer layer, as melted snow on our bodies will be our worst enemy.

Flood is a problem for shelter dwellers, as there’s no way to avoid water. Any boat will do in this scenario as long as it floats. If you own one, move your supplies there as soon as the rain reaches ankle deep. If you don’t, it might take a lot of bargaining to join one. Make sure to keep the terms of your passage up front and unalterable. Captains may require unwavering fealty or sexual favors. If you haven’t agreed to this and the captain threatens to throw you overboard, make sure you have the backing of the rest of the crew before instigating mutiny. Finally, remember that the rainwater will require purification/desalinization if you scoop it up from our new water world. If desperate, use a tarp to collect it before it hits the ocean.

The last scenario we’ll be covering is demonic rule/rise of the dead. There may be those out there who protest grouping these two together, but the general survival method will be the same for both. First of all: weapons. If you’ve been underground a long time, it isn’t recommended you keep weapons with you (remember THE SHINING example from yesterday). But keeping them close by, maybe buried in a lock box a mile down the road, is a good idea. Be sure that the weapons are practical for you to use. If you’ve never fired a gun before, you don’t want your first time to be while running from the legions of hell. Guns usually recoil upon firing, and that will throw you off balance if you don’t know how to handle it. Next, be aware that the undead might not be the slow, lumbering zombies of Dawn of the Dead and the demons might be able to bend the rules of reality. Firing a weapon or the traditional zombie decapitation may not even work. Be sure to be prepared for the event that they do not. It’s probably best to avoid confronting the fiends all together. Keep to the shadows. If it’s demonic rule, avoid long, empty stretches. Always avoid closed spaces or locations with poor vantage points. If you can’t make it to the zombie-proof tower in Japan, try to meet up with other survivors. Small groups that work well together are preferable as large communities will be more likely to attract attackers.

Well, that’s all for post-apocalyptic survival methods as I have to go fight off the hellspawn attacking my lifetime supply of beans. Remember: if you think someone is going to kill you…you’re probably right.


  1. I think what is shocking about this whole rapture thing is how much money the guy has made who predicted it once before and nothing happen..Just like 92 nothing happen again...I don't know why one would even think this guy knew what he was talking about...Oh and I'm alive..LOL

  2. I think I'll take my chances above-ground. It's easier to die faster. Besides, what would I do for the rest of my life in a shelter if Internet were down?

  3. If it happens to be the undead, find Ving Rhames after they start walking the earth. He'll come in handy.

    Avoid Simon Pegg. Just saying.

    As to "reverend" Camping, shall we take bets on how long it'll be before one of his irritated followers kills the senile wingnut?

  4. Hehehehe, this kind of thing happens ALL the time (not the Rapture, but people assuming the end of the world is nigh). I just laugh and roll my eyes whenever I hear it again. ;)

  5. This is hilarious. Always good to know how to survive in the apocalypse!

  6. Check out Jenny Lawson at for wicked tips on how to survive the zombie apocalypse!

    Also, thanks for the chuckles.... ;-)

  7. Nice post, these types of false guys will appear again i mean the same fellow in third time, how foolish it is to believe such unbiblical talks. The Holy Bible is very clear on this issue and the Bible knowing people will never go after such false prophets, so sad to note that many followed even after his first entry, Poor fellow, no rich fellow i am sure this time he might have minted wealth. His followers are really foolish people. One thing is sure our Lord's coming is so near and these signs are showing His coming is so close., Let us be prepared to receive our Lord, others who are not accepted Him as their Lord and savior this is the right time accept Him and be saved
    May God Bless

  8. Hey, I think I will go out in the front lawn, and watch it all happen. Jesus Christ is my Saviour, and I figure that whatever happens, its all the same.
    I feel embarrassed for those who supported the crazy 5/21/11 prophet.
    I feel pain for those in Joplin, MO.


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