Middle Of Winter

Seriously, what the hell.

It’s even weirder that they started appearing a few days after the coldest day we’ve had in years, with sub-zero temperatures (Fahrenheit or Celsius), when all ants should be dead. I say it again: what the hell.

They’ve Shown Up Already

I got a new laptop! It doesn’t take five hours to turn on and do the most basic tasks! I had forgotten what that was like.

It took like two hours for one to show up. For crying out loud, it’s still March!

Feeding Time

Don’t ever spill a piece of cat food. Or really any food. They’ll come.

I was not gone that long, I swear.

I don’t know where they came from. I just know that there was entirely too many.

Oh, and Happy Fourth of July. Don't let the mental image of a thousand ants swarming over a piece of cat food spoil your appetite.

The Unending Battle

As you may or may not know, I am not a fan of ants. And it’s that time of year again. 

Insanity You Have to Read to Believe

I had to post this because I’m not sure I can convey how insane my mother is otherwise. Like most things, this started because of Dinosaur Comics, specifically this one. I mentioned it to her, via the internet, because she’s always saying “I feel like there are bugs on me.” This is the actual exchange that followed. And yes, she really does IM me with no capitals.

Her: Isn't it somewhat ironic that you post a thing about being covered in ants, when you are so paranoid of them?

Me: I’m not paranoid of them. I think they

    're gross.

    Accidentally hit enter there. Whoops.

Her: I needmore traps

Me: It's those stupid big, black ants, isn’t it?

Her: bastid ants

Me: I thought you'd think the quote was funny since you're the one who's always claiming there are bugs on you.

Her: well there always ARE bugs on me!!!!

    i think there's one on me right now!

Me: T-rex thinks so too.

Her: what?  what does that mean?

Me: He's the main character of Dinosaur Comics. He's a t-rex named T-Rex.

Her: well of course, a t-rex should be named t-rex.

    that's my favorite dinosaur

    for obvious reasons

Me: The tiny little arms?

Her: yup!  and the attitude

Me: Yes. They're very tough.

    T-rex once claimed the end of Jurassic Park wasn't realistic because the t-rex didn't kill everyone.

Her: he's absolutely right.  they nail everything.

Me: They have very big teeth.

Her: and they take no GUFF.

Me: No guff!

 Her: not a smidge of guff.

Me: They won't accept it.

Her: at all

 Me: It's not even in their vocabulary.

 Her: guff?  what guff?

 Me: Not if there's a t-rex around.

 Her: t-rexes are the coolest.

    just like me

 Me: Yes. Yes of course.

 Her: i sense guff

 Me: No. None at all.

 Her: i am part t-rex and we have a highly developed sense for guff.  and I SENSE GUFF!!!

    you're in trouble you diplodicous

Me: But as a t-rex, you wouldn't know what guff is. You have no word for it, so the concept is hazy.

Her: oh shut up or i'll rip your head off

    i may do it anyway, just because i can

 Me:  Not if there's a meteor coming down.

Her: meteor shmeteor

Me: T-rex can't bat it away with its tiny arms.

 Her: he'll bite it.  you can't do anything except look at it because of your tiny brain

    huhhhh?  wassat?  big ball in sky?

 Me: T-rex's brain is quite large. Large and unwieldy.

 Her: large and smart.  diplodicus has a tiny brain and an extra tiny brain to run it's big fat tail.

    too dumb for one brain

    and big fat feet that get stuck in the mud

 Me: You know way more about dinosaurs than I ever thought.

Yes, my mother insults me by calling me a diplodicus (she probably means diplodocus, but honestly I have no idea). If Sh*t My Dad says can get on TV, this is at least worth a pilot.

Random Thoughts

---You might think writing a post like this is easy, but thinking up words to fill these spaces is very difficult. Like I’m doing right now.

---I love the first few days of spring, when it’s warm and fun to enjoy. Before I have to spend the next four months battling wave after wave of the ant invasion.

---There are ants out there that cultivate a fungus (farming…a scary enough prospect for beings with a brain smaller than a pin) that they use as a glue to build a tiny tower that’s full of holes (architecture…even more frightening). What’s the tower for? To catch bigger bugs. They work together, each hole filled with an ant grabbing onto the larger insect while other ants go and sting it to death. Sleep well.

---They’re coming for you.

---Does anyone under 18 ever not click something that says “Only click if you are 18 years old or older”? EVER?

---When I hear middle aged people complain about how “rude” younger people are, I know it’s the same ones who bitch at the barista for giving them the wrong flavor of coffee when it is, in fact, what they ordered. Shocking. People tend to be rude to rude people.

---Best moment ever: while working in a deli, a woman chewed me out because her heated tuna fish sandwich was cooled (amazingly enough, things can get cool very quickly). Then she yelled at me for adding peppers to the sandwich. I insisted that I did not. She pointed to a green blob and yelled “There! What’s that?” To which I calmly replied: “Celery.”

---My reasons for preferring online newspapers to actual ones can be summed up by what I think of the comics page: the local newspaper rarely debuts comics that haven’t been running for the past fifty years, so I was surprised when they got rid of the boring and ridiculous Rex Morgan MD and replaced it with the actually entertaining Gil by Norm Feuti. It’s almost unthinkable. A comic strip I actually enjoy! And of course people are writing to the newspaper to complain about it for the audacity of having actual characters in a realistic modern setting. Heaven forbid there be some innovation in the newspaper comics.

---Newspapers are great to use to clean windows. So that’s one thing they have over the internet.

---Whenever I hear “I deeply regret” used in a sentence, I know it’s got to be from a politician.

---Finally, I thought this was hilariously apt:

Dangerous

Because I feel that you won’t be safe until you’re afraid of everything on the planet.

The Top Five Things That Are Totally Going To Get You

5. Plants. “Are you crazy?” you might be saying. “Plants aren’t dangerous.” Oh, how I wish that were so. You better hope there aren’t any Eucalyptus trees in your backyard. Because they’re oil is flammable and they throw their branches down in hopes that eventually, a fire will come along to ignite them and destroy every other tree that's in there way. And there are plants that evolved to emit chemicals when attacked by insects—chemicals to summon the predators of that insect. And of course, there’s the fact that the kudzu plant is slowly consuming America.

4. Outer Space. Seriously, there are tons of weird dangers up there. You might think “Oh, space is huge and by comparison, the Earth is really small. Nothing’s going to happen.” And you’re probably right. As long as no black holes with masses a hundred times greater than the sun wander nearby. Still, that’s a minor threat. There’s also cosmic radiation. Lucky for us, we have an ozone layer to keep us safe. As long as nothing happens to that, we should be fine. Oh, wait…

3. Dolphins. Sure, they look cute. But underneath that smiling exterior is a mammal that will kidnap other dolphinsand even kill them. You know Orcas, the biggest dolphin of them all? They attack and eat Great White Sharks. Not for sustenance. Just because. Yeah. Don’t mess with them.

2. Ants. Ants…ants are just evil. In Australia, Argentine Ant colonies don’t compete with each other anymore. Instead, they banded together to form one super colonyto screw over every other type of ant and take over the world. There’s also the yellow crazy antwhich apparently enjoys making land uninhabitable for every other living creature on the planet. Let’s not forget the fact that some species of ants will go to war and enslave other ants. Better hope they don’t make us their next target.

1. Escalators. “It’s unbelievable what an escalator will do to human flesh.” I feel that no further explanation is needed. 

NOTE: The above is written with tongue firmly in cheek and it is wise to also read it that way. Obviously it's unlikely ants will take over the world or a black hole will fly by consuming us all. Watch out for those escalators, though.

Damn Ants

I’m getting this set up to post by itself today because I’m sure I’ll be busy all day fighting the tiny ants invading the kitchen.

I’m not a fan of bugs. I’m even less a fan of them in my house. Outside—fine. That’s their turf. I won’t bother them. But you crawl around on my laptop and I will end you.

It’s the freaking kitchen, so I don’t want to use ant spray. In order to get rid of them, I tried washing down everything with a baking soda solution. Nope. Still crawling around. Tomorrow, I’m adding a lemon. Next, vinegar. After that…I don’t know. I might end up grabbing a flame thrower and torching the kitchen because fire is the only way to get it clean.

I really, really hate the ants.