Saturday, December 10, 2011


Because I feel that you won’t be safe until you’re afraid of everything on the planet.

The Top Five Things That Are Totally Going To Get You

5. Plants. “Are you crazy?” you might be saying. “Plants aren’t dangerous.” Oh, how I wish that were so. You better hope there aren’t any Eucalyptus trees in your backyard. Because they’re oil is flammable and they throw their branches down in hopes that eventually, a fire will come along to ignite them and destroy every other tree that's in there way. And there are plants that evolved to emit chemicals when attacked by insects—chemicals to summon the predators of that insect. And of course, there’s the fact that the kudzu plant is slowly consuming America.

4. Outer Space. Seriously, there are tons of weird dangers up there. You might think “Oh, space is huge and by comparison, the Earth is really small. Nothing’s going to happen.” And you’re probably right. As long as no black holes with masses a hundred times greater than the sun wander nearby. Still, that’s a minor threat. There’s also cosmic radiation. Lucky for us, we have an ozone layer to keep us safe. As long as nothing happens to that, we should be fine. Oh, wait

3. Dolphins. Sure, they look cute. But underneath that smiling exterior is a mammal that will kidnap other dolphinsand even kill them. You know Orcas, the biggest dolphin of them all? They attack and eat Great White Sharks. Not for sustenance. Just because. Yeah. Don’t mess with them.

2. Ants. Ants…ants are just evil. In Australia, Argentine Ant colonies don’t compete with each other anymore. Instead, they banded together to form one super colonyto screw over every other type of ant and take over the world. There’s also the yellow crazy antwhich apparently enjoys making land uninhabitable for every other living creature on the planet. Let’s not forget the fact that some species of ants will go to war and enslave other ants. Better hope they don’t make us their next target.

1. Escalators. “It’s unbelievable what an escalator will do to human flesh.” I feel that no further explanation is needed. 

NOTE: The above is written with tongue firmly in cheek and it is wise to also read it that way. Obviously it's unlikely ants will take over the world or a black hole will fly by consuming us all. Watch out for those escalators, though.


  1. I think I'll just have to cross having a garden, going to the moon, swimming with dolphins, raising an ant farm, and going down an up escalator off my bucket list now. . . ;)

  2. The ant story is horrific. I read that article and could imagine trying to live in and around that. No way. Can something be done? That's just awful how those ants got imported to Australia.

  3. Dolphins know that looking cute is the key to their eventual plan to take over the entire planet.

  4. Don't forget about those asteroids!

  5. People are always worried about the animals in Australia, but most Aussies I know (myself included) don't even bat an eyelid. haha

  6. How am I going to sleep tonight? So many ways to die! Who knew?

    Great post. :)


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