Random Thoughts

---Yes, Random Thoughts! And on a Tuesday! It’s because today my mom is going in for laser eye surgery, which, I’m disappointed to note, is done with lasers, not to turn your eyes into lasers. Anyway, I’m going to have to be driving her around this week, which means my presence will probably be sporadic. It also means I’m going to be hearing constant criticism about how I’m too hesitant a driver and I’m going too fast and I’m too close to that car and one of us isn’t going to survive this.

---There’s a lake in Tanzania that calcifies animals that fall into it. It basically instantly turns them into stones.

---Anyone else want to be dunked in there after they die? Preferably in a cool pose. Hell, what’s the point if you’re not in a cool pose?

---There’s no proof that MSG is actually bad for you. So go nuts with the Chinese food.

---Since human blood has a protein composition similar to eggs, it can be used as a substitute in baking and ice cream. So no worries, cannibals. You can still have your cake.

---You can’t unlearn that.

---Originally, the word strongest was “strengest”. Same goes for longest, which was once “lengest”. I weirdly like them better than strongest and longest.

---A woman set her roommate on fire because he threw out her leftovers. I’d also like to point out that he was letting her stay there after she lost her job. Apparently gratitude does not outweigh old spaghetti and meatballs.

---Bananas are all clones. Every single one has the exact same DNA. Can you imagine if one got some disease? It would kill all of them!

---Of course, the banana they all come from, the Banana Prime, if you will, is really just a mutant. Real bananas have pretty big seeds in them.

---The point here: bananas are all mutant clones.

---WASPS CAN REMEMBER PEOPLE’S FACES. WE ARE F**KED.

Going Postal II, Part the Last

We did the best and the most popular, so it’s time to finish the week with the one with the highest comments-to-views ratio. This is basically your pick, so don’t blame me for this one :P.

Random Thoughts (Originally posted May 10, 2014)

---Time for some Random Thoughts! It’s been far too long since I’ve shared with you the insanity that runs through my head.

---While visiting some website, the words “This is where I leave you” appeared across the top of the tab, just for a second. I wish I had the time to get a screen cap. What a quiet message, yet fraught with longing.

---Yesterday I read about caterpillars that look like leaves, so naturally last night I dreamed that every tree I came across was full of them.

---One week of camping without any electronics can reset your biological clock, helping you sleep at night. However, doing so requires camping outside for one week without electronics. You can see the problem there.

---Richard Matheson wrote I AM LEGEND, the novel that got turned into that Will Smith movie that ruined the ending. Matheson’s son Chris is the creator of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Let that sink in for a minute.

---America has five percent of the world’s population, yet it produces one quarter of the world’s garbage.

---The embassies of Slovak and Slovenia exchange wrongly addressed mail once a month.

---There is actually a musical of the book/movie AMERICAN PSYCHO. I’m not sure how to feel about that. Confused? Confused.

---A flight from Denver to Baltimore was diverted to another airport for security reasons. Said security reasons that two people complained about an R rated movie they couldn’t shut off being shown to their two young children. No, there’s no way those movie-complaining terrorist parents will win.

---The “Cobra Effect” is when the solution to a problem actually makes the problem worse. I assume it’s named after COBRA from G.I. Joe. Those guys couldn’t do anything right.

---“Ancient Daddy Longlegs Had Four Eyes, Not Two.” And will haunt your nightmares for eternity.

---A missing boy was found playing in a claw machine. Not with it. Inside of it.

Still freaked out about those leave-caterpillars. And the daddy longlegs. And also kind of the American Psycho musical. That just seems off.

See you next week! Original content, I promise! Hey, I got to get a new pool going for next year.

Random Thoughts

---Things that happen to me. I see an interesting fact. I go, “This would make a great random thought!” I think it’s too much trouble to write it down, so I’ll just “remember” it. I immediately forget it.

---For some reason, I can no longer directly copy urls out of my Google Chrome address bar. It’s been this way ever since the lamentable crash, though I had no trouble with it before that and have no trouble copying out of Firefox. I’ve been on a million websites looking for solutions, and so far, zilch. Apparently this is an issue several people have had over the years, and the only solution I found is NOTHING. It makes doing my etymology posts, which require much copying and pasting, most irritating.

---If you ever hear of some solution to this, please share, because this is driving me crazy. Well, crazier.

---“Bear falls through skylight, eats birthday cupcakes”. That’s what you get for not throwing him a birthday party.

---Plus, there’s also that bear that climbed into someone’s hammock. You sure as hell won’t want to kick him out.

---If you want to give your neighbors’ children a doll as a gift, maybe leaving it on their doorstep with no note like some sort of doppelganger isn’t the best way to go. Just saying, it’s a little creepy.

---Ever see a television commercial and think that somewhere out there, there’s a woman who admitted to needing adult diapers on national television?

---The things that I ponder.

---I’m glad I’m not an actor. If I was, I’d definitely be doing adult diaper commercials.

---Apparently people who can’t understand sarcasm are more likely to suffer dementia. What about people who exclusively use sarcasm? Do we develop some kind of super resistance to it?

---“Humans can fly! Wingsuits on YouTube.” Annnnnnd ignore.

---“Over 90% Of Human DNA May Be Completely Worthless”. Do with this what you will, fellow sci-fi writers.

---Man, are these the only random thoughts I could come up with? I really need to start noting down more of the things I stumble across. This is getting embarrassing.

Random Thoughts

---Yes, you’re getting Random Thoughts, because I’m still not sure my computer is working right.

---If you’re ever buried alive, take off your shirt and tie it around your face so you won’t choke on the dirt. But it won’t do anything to help your whole buried-alive situation.

---After ten years and forty million dollars, they finally stopped one end of the Leaning Tower of Pisa from sinking any further for two hundred years. Leany is good, but you don’t want it too leany.

---You may have heard that marshmallows cure sore throats (in fact, I think I mentioned it in one of these posts). It turns out, it’s not marshmallows the sugary treat. It’s the marsh mallow plant—a mallow plant that grows in marshes. It does not look or taste like marshmallows, making the name a kind of tease.

---Although to be fair, the plant isn’t named after the sugary treat. It’s the other way around. Apparently, marshmallows used to be made from a paste of marsh mallows. At least this explains why it’s spelled with an “a” when we say “marshmellow”.

---Let’s see if the correct information spreads as fast as the wrong stuff.

---A woman, thirty four years old, was caught posing as a high school student—a fifteen year old high school student. And it took almost a year for anyone to catch on.

---Apparently, she was pulling all A’s and B’s.

---Scientists in the UK are experimenting on how to turn light into matter. The world is slowly turning into Star Trek, and I’m okay with that.

---Maybe then I can get a m************ c********** son of a b******* computer that doesn’t turn into a f****** pile of s*** after three a********* years.

---Yeah, I think I’m still mad about it.

---No, I’m not telling you what letters go in those asterisks.

Random Thoughts

---Time for some Random Thoughts! It’s been far too long since I’ve shared with you the insanity that runs through my head. Welcome, newcomers. I hope you love these as much as I do.

---If not, well, tough.

---While visiting some website, the words “This is where I leave you” appeared across the top of the tab, just for a second. I wish I had the time to get a screen cap. What a quiet message, yet fraught with longing.

---Yesterday I read about caterpillars that look like leaves, so naturally last night I dreamed that every tree I came across was full of them.

---One week of camping without any electronics can reset your biological clock, helping you sleep at night. However, doing so requires camping outside for one week without electronics. You can see the problem there.

---Richard Matheson wrote I AM LEGEND, the novel that got turned into that Will Smith movie that ruined the ending. Matheson’s son Chris is the creator of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Let that sink in for a minute.

---America has five percent of the world’s population, yet it produces one quarter of the world’s garbage.

---The embassies of Slovak and Slovenia exchange wrongly addressed mail once a month.

---There is actually a musical of the book/movie AMERICAN PSYCHO. I’m not sure how to feel about that. Confused? Confused.

---A flight from Denver to Baltimore was diverted to another airport for security reasons. Said security reasons that two people complained about an R rated movie they couldn’t shut off being shown to their two young children. No, there’s no way those movie-complaining terrorist parents will win.

---The “Cobra Effect” is when the solution to a problem actually makes the problem worse. I assume it’s named after COBRA from G.I. Joe. Those guys couldn’t do anything right.

---“Ancient Daddy Longlegs Had Four Eyes, Not Two.” And will haunt your nightmares for eternity.

---A missing boy was found playing in a claw machine. Not with it. Inside of it.

---Granted, he was hardly more than a toddler, but I still can’t figure out how he managed to do that.

Random Thoughts

---It snows metal on Venus. I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky.

---The Welsh word for microwave is “popty ping”. You’re welcome.

---Fluoroantimonic acid can eat through glass. It’s pH is a negative 31.8. It can only be stored in a Teflon container. But I bet it would melt a body. You know. FYI.

---The largest bacteria is called Thiomargarita namibiensis. It’s one milimeter in length, which doesn’t sound like much, but unlike most bacteria, it’s visible to the naked eye. It lives in the ocean off Namibia (hence the name). Imagine yourself swimming out there. And you see something. It looks like short strands of hair. But it’s not. It’s bacteria.

---If parents don’t pay their kids’ school lunch bills, I don’t think the solution should be to take the lunches from the kids and throw them away.

---“A man accused of taking a commercial ferry from the Seattle waterfront is due in court Monday afternoon.” A) why would anyone steal a ferry, B) what are you going to do with it?

---Hydrox cookies were invented before Oreos.

---“EXTRATERRESTRIAL INVADERS crash into Earth’s South Pole”. Sounds interesting, right? Here’s the first line: “Scientists at the South Pole have detected a collection of neutrinos from outer space that could help explain the origins of the universe.” Yeah, that headline’s not misleading or anything.

---More people have access to cell phones than toilets. In all fairness, it’s a lot easier to go to the bathroom outside than it is to make a call on a tree.

---Actual thesaurus suggestion for the word ‘flattened’: poleaxed. It would be totally inappropriate for what I was trying to say in my book, but I so wish it wasn’t.

Random Thoughts

---After almost a week of being down, Who.Unfollowed.Me is back. Now I can’t track down all the the jerks who unfollowed me on Twitter.

---You know who you are.

---“Herpes Study Confirms That Human Migration Spread Out From Africa.” Did you ever get the feeling that the world is completely surreal?

---“Murder Victim’s Family Told To Remove [Spongebob Squarepants] Headstones.” Well, that answers that question.

---The Western Black Rhino is extinct : (.

---Lift your right foot off the ground. Move it clockwise. Try making a counterclockwise motion with your right hand. Your foot will start moving counterclockwise. It can’t not do that. Your brain is unable to make the same side of your body move in different directions at the same time.

---“US Judge tells man he’s still legally dead”. This is it, people. Zombie apocalypse. Get your guns and canned beans.

---Two Rabbis had some thugs kidnap and beat up husbands who refused to allow their wives permission to divorce them. A sexist as hell system, yes, but I’m more concerned that it was also a plot in an episode of The Sopranos. I think real life has run out of bad ideas, so it’s just taking it from television shows now.

---Edgar Allan Poe once made up a hoax and got a newspaper to fall for it. The hoax? That he had been in a machine that flew across the US. Who’s laughing now, Poe?

---Tech tip: if you ever find yourself typing a blog post or a comment and you find that the cursor keeps highlighting things and typing over them, hit the Insert key and it will go back to normal. You don’t want to know how long it took me to figure that out. Seriously, it’s embarrassing.

---Why is there even an Insert key if not to screw us up when we miss the Delete key? WHY DO YOU HATE US, COMPUTER MAKERS?

---Diamonds don’t actually come from coal.

---Three and a half million people still pay for AOL. Commence laughing…now!

---The longest piece of literature in the world is a fan fic for the video game Super Smash Bros. It’s over four million words long. Writers, do you ever feel like your life is meaningless?

Random Thoughts

---Dolphins might have better memories than elephants. I think this means we have to change that old saying.

---Hawaii is moving towards Japan at a rate of about four inches a year. Those thieves!

---Quint: to deliberately insult someone who is fishing for a compliment. And my new favorite thing.

---An animal control officer was found with 850 snakes in his apartment. I’m thinking he doesn’t understand the purpose of his job.

---Wait…pasty is a food? I only knew it as…something else.

---I’m surprised there aren’t more sci-fi works with titles that start with a Q. The letter just naturally lends itself to sci-fi, like X and Z.

---“Man fails trying to cross Atlantic via balloon cluster”. No! Really?

---Whenever I get to hoping for humanity, I remember that there are still people out there who think Onion stories are real.

---“For each person, there is a sentence—a series of words—which has the power to destroy them.” Screw quint. THIS is my new favorite thing.

---“Scientists run dinosaur wind-tunnel tests”. They had dinosaurs and didn’t tell us?!!

---“Jon Gosslin threatens photog with gun”. Oh no! I scrolled down too far in my news feed and accidentally got into Entertainment “news”.

---I read a game review that claimed GTA V was ruined by “stubborn violence and sexism”. While the violence and sexism part is completely true, what did this guy expect the game to be about? If you’re going to protest the violence and sexism in GTA, go ahead and do it, but don’t act like that’s not what every GTA game ever has been full of.

---James Blunt was a captain in the British Army. Yes, that James Blunt.

---A guy actually computed what the difference is between a geek and a nerd. Apparently, a geek is someone who likes movies, television shows, and comics while a nerd is someone with interests in science and mathematics. I’m assuming this means the guy who made said computation is a total nerd.

Random Thoughts

---Last post before my vacation! Yay!

---179 people have disappeared on cruises from 2001-2011. So. Keep that in mind.

---Marshmallows stop sore throats!

---Anyone else hate that the mallow in marshmallow is spelled with an a instead of an e? No one? Just me then?

---Today’s I-can’t-believe-it headline: Fight erupts between parents at kindergarten graduation. Apparently it started between teenagers, but the parents decided they had to get in on that action.

---No article should ever start “In honor of Geraldo Rivera’s nude selfie…”

---The World Toilet Organization is an actual thing. I’m sure they do good works promoting sanitation, but no one will ever be able to look at that name and not laugh.

---Shel Silverstein worked for Playboy! For forty years!

---“Don’t forget to back up your PC before trying Windows 8.1”. I know they said that because it’s a beta and you should always backup before downloading something still in the testing stage, but I can’t help but believe it’s just because it’s Windows.

---“Yoga in public schools is not religious instruction, judge rules”. I do have to disagree with the judge saying that yoga is akin to other “exercise programs” like dodge ball. No, yoga is nothing like dodge ball. Dodge ball is getting hit in the face with rubber balls for thirty minutes, not exercise.

---People have been naming babies Hashtag, Facebook, and even Like. You can weep for society now.

---Vampire bats adopt orphaned young of other bats (same species I assume, but still, impressive).

---“NY man tried to sell baby on Craigslist”. Apparently he was mad at his girlfriend for not paying him attention and despite being two months old, the baby is less needy than him. The obvious solution for him was to try to sell her baby.

---You might wonder if my Random Thoughts posts are turning into nothing but showcases of disturbing news articles, but the real thing you should be questioning is why I keep finding more links.

Random Thoughts

---I think girls underwater is becoming the new girls in fancy dresses as the new YA cover thing. Although it will be a while before the latter is overtaken.

---Candidate for mother of the year: “A Southeast Texas woman faces a felony charge for allegedly delaying hospital treatment of her teenage son’s gunshot wound until she could research treatment options on the Internet”. Yeah. Gunshot wounds are the kind of thing you want to Google before getting them taken care of.

---“Polk School Bus Driver Staged Fight Between Students”. It might seem like I’ve been posting a lot of newspaper headlines in my Random Thoughts lately, but tell me, could you resist stuff like this?

---Speaking of which: “Texas teacher accused of duct taping student to chair”… a year after another teacher was accused of ordering kindergartners to hit a child. I’m not a mother. I have no desire to be one. Honestly, I’m not big on kids in general. But come on. How do people not get that you can’t treat children like that?!

---Yes, an interrobang is absolutely necessary.

---Actual quote from the teacher-duct tape article: “‘We are talking about human beings and they do make mistakes. Having said that that behavior is not excusable.’”

---There is “mistake”. Then there is “child abuse”. There’s a big difference.

---When Abercombie & Fitch’s CEO touts being exclusionary as part of their business strategy and refuses to make clothes for plus sized women you can’t really be surprised that they won’t make their stores accessible to disabled people.

---Seriously. Those guys are DICKS.

---“Senate defeats bills to keep student loans low”. Of course they did. It’s not like, say, passing a bill to keep airlines in business because everyone in congress flies a lot. I mean, this doesn’t even involve them.

---The preceding bullet points are evidence for the argument that we do not live in the best of all possible universes.

---I have got to stop checking my news feed.

---Actual newspaper headline: “And Xbox One to Rule Them”. I get the reference you’re making, but since the actual quote is “One Ring”, it’s kind of convoluted.

---“Michael Buble Being Stalked By A Velociraptor” is a real blog. And also evidence for the argument that we live in the best of all possible universes.

Random Thoughts

---“Cicadas set to overrun East Coast”…this summer is not going to be fun.

---It’s also known as the “Cicadapocalypse”.

---“Aught” means both something and nothing. I know I’ve mentioned this before. I just find it fascinating.

---“Woman arrested for slapping wrong child at school”. I don’t think you’re allowed to do that even if it’s the right child.

---“Big Newly Discovered Spider as Big as Your Face”. It also latches hold of your head and lays an alien in your chest. I assume.

---Seriously, as big as your face. AS BIG AS YOUR FACE.

---Verizon patented a cable box that uses infrared to watch people for specific activities while they watch television so they can target advertisements. The activities? Talking, laughing, singing, and playing an instrument among other things. Laughing I get. Talking—maybe, if the show’s boring or someone won’t shut up while I’m watching Criminal Minds, dammit. But who the hell sings or plays an instrument in front of the television?

---There are also apparently programs that try to detect how expensive your computer is and try to target ads based on it. Which explains why I’m always getting “Go back to school and earn more!” ads.

---China is now censoring the word “censorship” from its internet. So now they won’t know they’re being censored, I guess.

---The Founder of 99 cent stores died. I don’t like to make jokes about deaths, so I’ll just point out that he turned that idea into a billion dollar empire.

---A school in Washington state canceled classes due to the weather. That weather being sunshine. Perhaps they were afraid of the strange orb of fire in the sky.

While helping my mom move furniture (seriously, I hate when she takes vacations):

Her: This is impossible to move. There are no handles!

Me: It’s a desk.

…As big as your face.

Random Thoughts

---It’s been such a long time. I’ve missed these.
---You know what? Sometimes I just want to look up song lyrics. STOP TRYING TO SELL ME RINGTONES.

---“Scientists create tractor beam”. YES! One step closer to Star Trek!

---I accidentally knocked into my old clarinet case and a bunch of Pixy Sticks spilled out. My first thought was “How long have those been in there?” (More than five years, definitely). My second thought was “Do Pixy Sticks go bad?”

---For the record, no, I did not eat them. I had plenty of peanut butter M&Ms so there was no need to.

---Actual headline: “Middle School Wrestlers On Top!” Must…not…make…obvious…joke. Brain…OVERLOADING…

---Space smells like burning metal.

---Although the center of the galaxy is raspberry flavored rum.

---“Sony to make last MiniDisc stereo system in March”. Somehow they’ve been out for twenty one years and I’ve never heard of them. Props for the dedication to stupid ideas, Sony.

---Not the PS2 though. Anyone who badmouths it will be unfriended for life. Also I’ll punch you.

---A guy found the largest prime number yet. He received a $3000 grant for doing so. Math!

---“Curiosity killed the cat” doesn’t mean curiosity is danger. The original meaning of the phrase was that worrying killed the cat. Not sure why it always had to be cats, but there you go.

---The state of Mississippi just ratified the thirteenth amendment (outlawing slavery) in February. Way to stay on the ball, guys.

---The fax machine was invented in 1843.

---A Russian bus driver rams cars that rudely cut him off in traffic. With the approval of his employer.

---Now that they have 3D printers, there’s only one more horizon to breach: 4D printers. They print out time itself.

---Well, what did you think they were going to do now that they found the Higgs boson?
---Futurama is ending. Not canceled (again) but actually, factually ending. Prepare to ingest cyanide capsules now.

Random Thoughts

---Facebook was the most searched for item on Wikipedia in 2012 (at least in English). Number 2? WIKI.

---That’s some meta sh!t right there.

---Actual newspaper headline: “Ride inside inflatable ball on ski slope turns deadly”. In other news, water is wet, heat is hot, and the law of gravity is still in effect.

---This is a particular species of caterpillar’s butt.

---The word “jeep” was invented by Popeye the sailor. It became a vehicle type years after it was a magical animal in the Popeye-verse.

---The most common phrases in fraud emails are things like “cover up” “nobody will find out” and “illegal”. With words like that, how the hell do these scams work?

---“Snake on a plane fails to survive”. Samuel L. Jackson: “You’re welcome.”

---You catch more flies with balsamic vinegar than honey.

---I hear/read “uncouth” all the time, but when was the last time you saw something being couth?

---“Penguins are efficient killers”. If you’re hiring a hitman, I suppose it’s good to know.

---Wait, so hitman isn’t in the dictionary, but “hetman” is? What the hell does that even mean?

---According to Dictionary.com: “the title assumed by the chief of Ukrainian Cossacks of the Dnieper River region, with headquarters at Zaporozhe.” Thank you, Microsoft Word, for having all the important words in your dictionary.

---You might be wondering why I make hitman one word instead of two. Well, short answer, I play way too many video games.

---Or should I call them “hitpeople”?

All the snow reminded me of a story which basically illustrates the reason my mom let me get my driver’s license at 16:

Her [waking me up]: The snow plows are coming. We need to move my car.

Me: Okay. What do you need me to do?

Her [beat]: Move my car.

Random Thoughts

---Well, Thanksgiving has passed for another year and I am probably off in a turkey coma, so yeah. Random Thoughts.

---Actual correction in the newspaper: “The tortoise won its race with the hare in Aesop’s fable about those animals. A clue in Sunday’s crossword puzzle inaccurately described the race’s outcome.” It’s…I…how does anyone get that wrong???
---Also, the correction appeared on a Wednesday, so it took them at least a day to notice.

---Speaking of newspapers, actual headline: “Death at cockroach eating contest raises questions.” Yes. Several.
---Sometimes I see people still advertising their LiveJournals and it’s like, how adorable. Which only reminds me that in three years someone’s going to be doing that to me about Blogger.

---Hell, make that three months.

---Back when I wrote the post about the “Tidy, Mighty Spider”, I learned that tidy really is a synonym for large, as in, a tidy sum. Before I looked up synonyms of large, I thought it meant a figuratively neat sum. Who knew?

---Despite only ten percent of the population being left-handed, more than half of the last thirteen US presidents have been lefties (Truman, Ford, Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Clinton, and Obama were while Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Carter and George W. Bush were not), as well as a good deal of presidential candidates. So I guess not everything is prejudiced against the left-handed after all.

---Why don’t they call it Random Penguin House? Dammit, it’s the most awesome company name in all of history and they just pass it up! Guys! The F---!

---If you ever need to perform CPR, remember: 100 beats per minute. According to Ryan North, the easiest way to keep track is by singing “Another One Bites the Dust”, with a chest compression on each beat.

---And another one gone, and another one gone, another one bites the dust!

---When the people come to me begging for help after I kept warning that Christmas music and commercials are starting earlier and earlier to the point where there is no visible difference between the holiday season and the rest of the year, I will look down at them and whisper “No.”

Random Thoughts

---It’s that time yet again.

---If I burn down the world, there won’t be any more spiders. If there’s a downside, I don’t see it.

---“Interrobang” is my current favorite word.

---For the record, it means ?! or !?. Unfortunately, it’s not considered standard for novels, because apparently no one is allowed to do anything fun ever.

---Screw you, Microsoft Word! If “interrobang” isn’t in the dictionary, it’s your problem!

---“NBC has defended its decision to interview a reality TV star instead of observing a moment of silence marking the 11th anniversary of 9/11.” And that defense is: “We cater to our audience. Since no one actually watches our network, that means more Kardashians.”

---Yes, I make fun of NBC a lot. Well, I’ll stop when they stop making it so easy.

---I hate words like disaster that, when you add the suffix –rous, turn into “disastrous”. There should be an e there, dangit.

---Cashews grow on apples. Just so you know.

---Last night I had a horrible dream: the presidential election was postponed for two weeks. Woke up screaming.

---For the record, a flashing yellow light means slow down, proceed with caution, not come to a complete stop for ten seconds to annoy the driver behind you.

---This is why I avoid driving as much as possible.

---“Windows Explorer 8…Not as bad as you’d think!” Somehow I’d be more impressed if the statement didn’t have the little “advertisement” border around it. Also goes to show you how little they think of their own product.

---“Immurement” is entombing someone alive within a structure. For future reference.

---I’m not planning anything.

---Yet.

---In writing, men tend to use pronouns slightly more than women. Also, women use more adjectives. I know that’s true for me.

---I was with my mom while she was watching “Dancing With the ‘Stars’” and I have to say, it’s a lot more tolerable if you pretend it’s the Hunger Games.

And to complete this issue of Random Thoughts, here’s another conversation between me and my mother, taking place after I helped her move a bunch of china around:

Me: Do you need anything else?

Her: Nope.

Me: Am I going to get in the other room and sit down and you’ll call me for something else?

Her: That’s very likely.

Random Thoughts

---I don’t know if you realized, but I started updating at midnight instead of noon. All that scrolling down when I’m scheduling posts is really annoying. Yes, that’s really why I changed it.

---For some reason, this has to keep being said: non-fiction means it’s not fiction. Is this concept really that difficult to understand?

---Although I do find it deeply ironic that the latest book to be accused of making up facts and quotes is entitled “Creativity”.

---“Star caught devouring planet.” “‘I thought it was a bag of Doritos,’ claims red giant. Grand jury investigation underway.”

---Dang it. Now I want Doritos.

---If you’re in trouble for possession of marijuana, it might not be the best move to retaliate on the police who arrested you by running over seven police cars in a giant tractor. Just saying, marijuana is a little less of a crime than destroying a million dollars worth of police property.

---If we ever make time machines, I have a feeling lotteries are going to have to be canceled. Everyone’s just going to go back in time with the winning numbers.

---While typing “explosive decompression” into a search engine, one of the things that came up was “explosive diarrhea”. Apparently it’s more common than the decompression, because it came up first. I’m not exactly sure what to make of that.

---The moon is slowing down the Earth by two milliseconds every century. Lousy moon. Sitting up there and making our days longer. Thinks it’s soooooo great.

---Look at it up there. Plotting against us. You better pull away at four centimeters a year! I’m onto you!

---Dark chocolate lowers blood pressure. Finally, an excuse to cram my face with chocolate bars.

---An American won the world air guitar championships. This was news on BBC, people. BBC.

---You can use sliced bread to mop up broken glass. Apparently, sliced bread is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Random Thoughts

---One week and one day until my birthday. Wheeeeee!
---Anyone want to guest post? I’d really appreciate it.
---So. People who watched the Olympics on NBC. You’re kind of getting my point about why they suck, right?

---If a tree falls in a forest, does it make any sound? Yes. Yes it does. My high school physics teacher explained how it works.

---I have to say, 50 Shades of Grey did something I never thought possible: it made me hate TWILIGHT less. So, kudos for that.

---Sometimes, when I hear/read an amusing quote, I write it down on whatever Word document I happened to have open (because there’s always one). It makes for some interesting reading if I haven’t opened one in a while. The one heading this page? “And YES, I understand that of all the things in the world to get worked up about, maybe poverty and climate change are above one soul-crushing shopping experience downtown. But man! The Mall!” Courtesy of Dinosaur Comics.

---Random Note: I don’t think I’ll ever get the proper spelling of courtesy down in my head. It’s like a mental block.

---The third Hunger Games book is going to be split into two movies because money-money-money!

---I guess they need the extra cash for Philip Seymour Hoffman's salary.

---A cat is mayor of a town in Alaska. I had a cat who would have made a good mayor. Too bad he had a heart condition. He was tough. Never backed down. He would have finally cleaned up this upper middle class hellhole.

---Attention people running for election: stop calling me. Seriously, I will not vote for you out of spite. I’ve done it before. Do not f’ing test me on that.

---No matter how much sunblock I put on, I always get burned if I stay outside for too long. Ninety percent of my physical traits are from the French Canadian side of the family, but my skin is very much Irish.

---You know how the SciFi channel changed its name to SyFy to put itself out to a non-hardcore sci-fi audience? Yeah, the History Channel really needs to do that. Their current name just isn’t accurate anymore. I’m not begrudging them that. I’m just saying when you have shows about aliens and lobster fishermen, you’re not exactly in the history business anymore.

---Maybe the Hystori Channel would work.

---Hm. I complain about television a lot.

---At the store, I noticed they have medium eggs, large eggs, and jumbo eggs. They can’t just call them small, medium, and large? I feel like I’m in an episode of Seinfeld or something.

---“Oology” is the shortest ology. It’s the study of eggs. Maybe an oologist can tell us why there are no “small” chicken eggs.

Random Thoughts

---Here’s another post of Random Thoughts because I have no ideas about anything else.

---Me yelling at the internet: Yes I want to skip the advertisement! Always skip the advertisement! Why do I have to say yes every time?

---Also yelling at the internet: I’m not on Facebook! Stop asking me to Like stuff!

---“World’s largest ball of twine, summer tourist destination.” No, I didn’t make up that sentence.

---K is the symbol for the element Potassium. Why K? Because it stands for the Latin word for potassium, kalium, which actually means “potash”. Take away the h and it sounds like the English word, doesn’t it?

---Can election season be over right now please? If this goes on until November I may have to kill myself.

---Another entry for the amusing advertisement file: an ad for one of those online language courses with a picture of a man (the inventor, I assume). It says “Language professors hate him!” Why? Why do they hate him? Can he give students the course credit in languages they need to graduate, thus rendering them useless? Is he submitting competing papers to academic journals? Because that’s actually something they might hate him for. Otherwise, their jobs are pretty secure.

---Burger King is offering a bacon sundae because of course they are.

---Honestly, I can’t think of anything more disgusting.

---Maybe baconnaise.

---If you take a slinky and hold by the top so it’s stretched out and then let go, the bottom won’t fall until the top catches up to it. In a nutshell, it’s because it’s closing up and the bottom is moving towards the top at the same rate it should be falling, meaning it’s not moving.

---Enucleate is the word for removing something from its cover, i.e. an eyeball from its socket.

---“The 7 Most Horrifying Things Found Living Inside Humans”. Yeah, I’m not linking to that. But just so you know, I could.

And to round it off, another conversation between me and my mom:

Me: Whaaaaat?

Her: It’s the top of the first inning and the Yankees have already been through their entire rotation.

Me: Huh?

Her: The entire rotation! They have five points!

Me: Are you talking about baseball or something?

Her: This pitcher sucks. I want to kill him.

Me: That’s it? This is why you called me?

Her: I just wanted to tell you.

(half hour later)

Her: They’re tied now.

Me: What? I don’t know what you…Are you talking about the baseball game?

Her: Yes! The Red Sox went through their entire rotation, too. The whole first inning took an hour.

Me: Fascinating.

Her: You’re not excited?

Me: Not even a little. I’m going to feed the cats now.

That was my weekend. It’s not like she knows I don’t follow baseball or anything. She’s only known me since literally before I was born.