Random Thoughts

---Yes, Random Thoughts! And on a Tuesday! It’s because today my mom is going in for laser eye surgery, which, I’m disappointed to note, is done with lasers, not to turn your eyes into lasers. Anyway, I’m going to have to be driving her around this week, which means my presence will probably be sporadic. It also means I’m going to be hearing constant criticism about how I’m too hesitant a driver and I’m going too fast and I’m too close to that car and one of us isn’t going to survive this.

---There’s a lake in Tanzania that calcifies animals that fall into it. It basically instantly turns them into stones.

---Anyone else want to be dunked in there after they die? Preferably in a cool pose. Hell, what’s the point if you’re not in a cool pose?

---There’s no proof that MSG is actually bad for you. So go nuts with the Chinese food.

---Since human blood has a protein composition similar to eggs, it can be used as a substitute in baking and ice cream. So no worries, cannibals. You can still have your cake.

---You can’t unlearn that.

---Originally, the word strongest was “strengest”. Same goes for longest, which was once “lengest”. I weirdly like them better than strongest and longest.

---A woman set her roommate on fire because he threw out her leftovers. I’d also like to point out that he was letting her stay there after she lost her job. Apparently gratitude does not outweigh old spaghetti and meatballs.

---Bananas are all clones. Every single one has the exact same DNA. Can you imagine if one got some disease? It would kill all of them!

---Of course, the banana they all come from, the Banana Prime, if you will, is really just a mutant. Real bananas have pretty big seeds in them.

---The point here: bananas are all mutant clones.

---WASPS CAN REMEMBER PEOPLE’S FACES. WE ARE F**KED.

Going Postal II, Part the Last

We did the best and the most popular, so it’s time to finish the week with the one with the highest comments-to-views ratio. This is basically your pick, so don’t blame me for this one :P.

Random Thoughts (Originally posted May 10, 2014)

---Time for some Random Thoughts! It’s been far too long since I’ve shared with you the insanity that runs through my head.

---While visiting some website, the words “This is where I leave you” appeared across the top of the tab, just for a second. I wish I had the time to get a screen cap. What a quiet message, yet fraught with longing.

---Yesterday I read about caterpillars that look like leaves, so naturally last night I dreamed that every tree I came across was full of them.

---One week of camping without any electronics can reset your biological clock, helping you sleep at night. However, doing so requires camping outside for one week without electronics. You can see the problem there.

---Richard Matheson wrote I AM LEGEND, the novel that got turned into that Will Smith movie that ruined the ending. Matheson’s son Chris is the creator of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Let that sink in for a minute.

---America has five percent of the world’s population, yet it produces one quarter of the world’s garbage.

---The embassies of Slovak and Slovenia exchange wrongly addressed mail once a month.

---There is actually a musical of the book/movie AMERICAN PSYCHO. I’m not sure how to feel about that. Confused? Confused.

---A flight from Denver to Baltimore was diverted to another airport for security reasons. Said security reasons that two people complained about an R rated movie they couldn’t shut off being shown to their two young children. No, there’s no way those movie-complaining terrorist parents will win.

---The “Cobra Effect” is when the solution to a problem actually makes the problem worse. I assume it’s named after COBRA from G.I. Joe. Those guys couldn’t do anything right.

---“Ancient Daddy Longlegs Had Four Eyes, Not Two.” And will haunt your nightmares for eternity.

---A missing boy was found playing in a claw machine. Not with it. Inside of it.

Still freaked out about those leave-caterpillars. And the daddy longlegs. And also kind of the American Psycho musical. That just seems off.

See you next week! Original content, I promise! Hey, I got to get a new pool going for next year.

Random Thoughts

---Yes, you’re getting Random Thoughts, because I’m still not sure my computer is working right.

---If you’re ever buried alive, take off your shirt and tie it around your face so you won’t choke on the dirt. But it won’t do anything to help your whole buried-alive situation.

---After ten years and forty million dollars, they finally stopped one end of the Leaning Tower of Pisa from sinking any further for two hundred years. Leany is good, but you don’t want it too leany.

---You may have heard that marshmallows cure sore throats (in fact, I think I mentioned it in one of these posts). It turns out, it’s not marshmallows the sugary treat. It’s the marsh mallow plant—a mallow plant that grows in marshes. It does not look or taste like marshmallows, making the name a kind of tease.

---Although to be fair, the plant isn’t named after the sugary treat. It’s the other way around. Apparently, marshmallows used to be made from a paste of marsh mallows. At least this explains why it’s spelled with an “a” when we say “marshmellow”.

---Let’s see if the correct information spreads as fast as the wrong stuff.

---A woman, thirty four years old, was caught posing as a high school student—a fifteen year old high school student. And it took almost a year for anyone to catch on.

---Apparently, she was pulling all A’s and B’s.

---Scientists in the UK are experimenting on how to turn light into matter. The world is slowly turning into Star Trek, and I’m okay with that.

---Maybe then I can get a m************ c********** son of a b******* computer that doesn’t turn into a f****** pile of s*** after three a********* years.

---Yeah, I think I’m still mad about it.

---No, I’m not telling you what letters go in those asterisks.

Random Thoughts

---Time for some Random Thoughts! It’s been far too long since I’ve shared with you the insanity that runs through my head. Welcome, newcomers. I hope you love these as much as I do.

---If not, well, tough.

---While visiting some website, the words “This is where I leave you” appeared across the top of the tab, just for a second. I wish I had the time to get a screen cap. What a quiet message, yet fraught with longing.

---Yesterday I read about caterpillars that look like leaves, so naturally last night I dreamed that every tree I came across was full of them.

---One week of camping without any electronics can reset your biological clock, helping you sleep at night. However, doing so requires camping outside for one week without electronics. You can see the problem there.

---Richard Matheson wrote I AM LEGEND, the novel that got turned into that Will Smith movie that ruined the ending. Matheson’s son Chris is the creator of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Let that sink in for a minute.

---America has five percent of the world’s population, yet it produces one quarter of the world’s garbage.

---The embassies of Slovak and Slovenia exchange wrongly addressed mail once a month.

---There is actually a musical of the book/movie AMERICAN PSYCHO. I’m not sure how to feel about that. Confused? Confused.

---A flight from Denver to Baltimore was diverted to another airport for security reasons. Said security reasons that two people complained about an R rated movie they couldn’t shut off being shown to their two young children. No, there’s no way those movie-complaining terrorist parents will win.

---The “Cobra Effect” is when the solution to a problem actually makes the problem worse. I assume it’s named after COBRA from G.I. Joe. Those guys couldn’t do anything right.

---“Ancient Daddy Longlegs Had Four Eyes, Not Two.” And will haunt your nightmares for eternity.

---A missing boy was found playing in a claw machine. Not with it. Inside of it.

---Granted, he was hardly more than a toddler, but I still can’t figure out how he managed to do that.

Random Thoughts

---After almost a week of being down, Who.Unfollowed.Me is back. Now I can’t track down all the the jerks who unfollowed me on Twitter.

---You know who you are.

---“Herpes Study Confirms That Human Migration Spread Out From Africa.” Did you ever get the feeling that the world is completely surreal?

---“Murder Victim’s Family Told To Remove [Spongebob Squarepants] Headstones.” Well, that answers that question.

---The Western Black Rhino is extinct : (.

---Lift your right foot off the ground. Move it clockwise. Try making a counterclockwise motion with your right hand. Your foot will start moving counterclockwise. It can’t not do that. Your brain is unable to make the same side of your body move in different directions at the same time.

---“US Judge tells man he’s still legally dead”. This is it, people. Zombie apocalypse. Get your guns and canned beans.

---Two Rabbis had some thugs kidnap and beat up husbands who refused to allow their wives permission to divorce them. A sexist as hell system, yes, but I’m more concerned that it was also a plot in an episode of The Sopranos. I think real life has run out of bad ideas, so it’s just taking it from television shows now.

---Edgar Allan Poe once made up a hoax and got a newspaper to fall for it. The hoax? That he had been in a machine that flew across the US. Who’s laughing now, Poe?

---Tech tip: if you ever find yourself typing a blog post or a comment and you find that the cursor keeps highlighting things and typing over them, hit the Insert key and it will go back to normal. You don’t want to know how long it took me to figure that out. Seriously, it’s embarrassing.

---Why is there even an Insert key if not to screw us up when we miss the Delete key? WHY DO YOU HATE US, COMPUTER MAKERS?

---Diamonds don’t actually come from coal.

---Three and a half million people still pay for AOL. Commence laughing…now!

---The longest piece of literature in the world is a fan fic for the video game Super Smash Bros. It’s over four million words long. Writers, do you ever feel like your life is meaningless?

Random Thoughts

---Last post before my vacation! Yay!

---179 people have disappeared on cruises from 2001-2011. So. Keep that in mind.

---Marshmallows stop sore throats!

---Anyone else hate that the mallow in marshmallow is spelled with an a instead of an e? No one? Just me then?

---Today’s I-can’t-believe-it headline: Fight erupts between parents at kindergarten graduation. Apparently it started between teenagers, but the parents decided they had to get in on that action.

---No article should ever start “In honor of Geraldo Rivera’s nude selfie…”

---The World Toilet Organization is an actual thing. I’m sure they do good works promoting sanitation, but no one will ever be able to look at that name and not laugh.

---Shel Silverstein worked for Playboy! For forty years!

---“Don’t forget to back up your PC before trying Windows 8.1”. I know they said that because it’s a beta and you should always backup before downloading something still in the testing stage, but I can’t help but believe it’s just because it’s Windows.

---“Yoga in public schools is not religious instruction, judge rules”. I do have to disagree with the judge saying that yoga is akin to other “exercise programs” like dodge ball. No, yoga is nothing like dodge ball. Dodge ball is getting hit in the face with rubber balls for thirty minutes, not exercise.

---People have been naming babies Hashtag, Facebook, and even Like. You can weep for society now.

---Vampire bats adopt orphaned young of other bats (same species I assume, but still, impressive).

---“NY man tried to sell baby on Craigslist”. Apparently he was mad at his girlfriend for not paying him attention and despite being two months old, the baby is less needy than him. The obvious solution for him was to try to sell her baby.

---You might wonder if my Random Thoughts posts are turning into nothing but showcases of disturbing news articles, but the real thing you should be questioning is why I keep finding more links.

Questionable

As a writer, I have to spend a lot of time researching my posts so as not to make an ass of myself when people read what I write. Some of the subjects are bizarre (what explosive decompression feels like), some are gross (pretty much every medical issue I’ve looked up), and others are probably putting me on government watch lists (I’ll leave this one to the imagination). But, in the name of writing, I am happy to have a questionable search history. It’s all for the sake of the book.

Now, I usually start researching by going to Google, because come on, what else am I going to do? Like most search engines, Google will fill in the blanks when I start typing in the search box. Usually this is helpful, but have you ever noticed how alarming some of the fill-ins are? And keep in mind, fill-ins appear based on the most popular searches. It leaves some questions. Like what the hell is going on in the world today. Don’t believe me?

Exhibit 1: When will…

Ios 7, okay. “When Will I See You Again” is a song, so sure, makes sense. But really people, do you think Google is going to know when you’re going to croak or the world is going to explode into a hellscape of nothingness? I know it’s hard to believe, but Google isn’t God.

Exhibit 2: Why am I…

This one just seems like a cry for help.

Exhibit 3: Is it possible…

I believe my reaction to this one can best be described as o__O.

Random Thoughts

---Facebook was the most searched for item on Wikipedia in 2012 (at least in English). Number 2? WIKI.

---That’s some meta sh!t right there.

---Actual newspaper headline: “Ride inside inflatable ball on ski slope turns deadly”. In other news, water is wet, heat is hot, and the law of gravity is still in effect.

---This is a particular species of caterpillar’s butt.

---The word “jeep” was invented by Popeye the sailor. It became a vehicle type years after it was a magical animal in the Popeye-verse.

---The most common phrases in fraud emails are things like “cover up” “nobody will find out” and “illegal”. With words like that, how the hell do these scams work?

---“Snake on a plane fails to survive”. Samuel L. Jackson: “You’re welcome.”

---You catch more flies with balsamic vinegar than honey.

---I hear/read “uncouth” all the time, but when was the last time you saw something being couth?

---“Penguins are efficient killers”. If you’re hiring a hitman, I suppose it’s good to know.

---Wait, so hitman isn’t in the dictionary, but “hetman” is? What the hell does that even mean?

---According to Dictionary.com: “the title assumed by the chief of Ukrainian Cossacks of the Dnieper River region, with headquarters at Zaporozhe.” Thank you, Microsoft Word, for having all the important words in your dictionary.

---You might be wondering why I make hitman one word instead of two. Well, short answer, I play way too many video games.

---Or should I call them “hitpeople”?

All the snow reminded me of a story which basically illustrates the reason my mom let me get my driver’s license at 16:

Her [waking me up]: The snow plows are coming. We need to move my car.

Me: Okay. What do you need me to do?

Her [beat]: Move my car.

Another Award

A little while ago, Gwengave me the Daisy award, which sounded like a lot of fun.

As usual, I’m supposed to thank the giver, so thanks Gwen : ). How nice of you to think of me…coming up with seven weird things about myself, which is the second part of the award rules. So here we go:

Seven Weird Things About Me

1.  I can’t stand the feel of certain fabrics, like velvet. To me, squeaking chalk on a blackboard sounds like velvet feels. Is that weird? Well, I guess that’s the point.

2.  I might not be able to recognize actors by sight, but 26 years of cartoon watching has allowed me to recognize them by voice.

3.  Sometimes I slip quotes from TV shows into conversations just to see if anyone notices. I do it in posts, too. Just so you know.

4.  I don’t drink alcohol. It’s not that I’m against it—go ahead and get smashed if you want, it’s not my business—it just all tastes the same to me: gross. I’m also not thrilled with pork products (something I have in common with Gwen), most forms of cheese, and egg yolks (the whites are fine).

5.  When I feel restless or tense, I almost always file my nails. It makes me feel like I’m doing something even when I’m not.

6.  I check my shoes for spiders before I put them on. Although I don’t think this is weird as much as it is prudent. I’ve found spiders in there before.

7.  I have no problem eating most vegetables as long as they’re not cooked. Raw, fresh broccoli? Love it. Steamed? Barf. Dipped in cheese? Gag.

Of course I have to pass it on to other bloggers, but I have a much lazier better idea: consider this award yours just for looking at it. I know they’re silly, but they’re fun too, so if you want a new award then please, reveal seven weird things about yourself : ).