Creepy Crawlies

Why does this stuff keep happening when I’m trying to sleep?

I never got a good look at it because it was dark and I didn’t have my glasses on, but if it’s loud enough for me to hear it as it goes, I want to stay as far away from it as possible.

The Only Way To Be Sure

Got to start off the Halloween season with a comic about the most terrifying creature in the universe: spiders.

Another Spider Comic

These stories just keep happening! What am I supposed to do? NOT share them?

Seriously! Two hours!!!

It Knows Where I Live!

I hate hate hate spiders.

You know this is what it was thinking!

It’s Winter, But Still Bugs

Get your own house, spiders!

What even is the purpose of winter if we can’t at the very least get rid of the bugs???

It Does Now

Every year I get huge spider webs outside my house, and there’s usually a huge spider to go along with them.

Frankly, it’s a justified fear.

Overhead

October is the scariest month for several reasons, including that it’s when all the giant spiders take up residence outside where I live.

What I really hate is when they’re there one day and then they’re gone. WHERE ARE THEY HIDING???

True Horror

This happened a few months ago when I was using the ice tea maker and it was so horrifying that I immediately knew it would be a perfect Halloween story.

The worst part is that it’s not the first time I’ve found something in the ice tea maker (although last time it was a different one). I’m just glad I found it before I made the ice tea this time.

Spider Size

I hate spiders. They have too many legs and are gross.

Maybe this is a lazy comic. Maybe it’s just an excuse to copy and paste the same image over and over again. But it’s also true.

Desperation

The cricket problem still hasn’t let up. They’re quiet one night and then the next night it’s like a whole family of them has moved in. I’m starting to think I’ll have to resort to drastic measures…

You know how I feel about the spiders. But desperate times call for desperate measures.

I’m Honestly Not Even Sure It Was There

But it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Look, until your hair is as thick as mine, you don’t know how scary it is to think about something nesting inside of it.

They’re Back

You know how every year when summer rolls around I complain that my house is filled with ants again no matter how much I clean? Well, they’re not the only gross disgusting thing that reappears every year. In fact, I’ve actually mentioned how these gigantic spiders keep appearing on my house...

I swear, that’s really how large they are. Or at least how large they seem.

The Web

Yes, more bugs, because spiders are nothing if not nefarious.

Another totally true story.

The Cricket

Keeping in line with my (unintentional) theme of bugs and how gross and creepy they are, here’s another story about how gross and creepy they are. Or at least how stupid they are.

I tell you, that spider must have invited all his spider friends over and had a kick-ass party.

The Spider

Since last week we had the world’s most annoying fly, it’s time for the world’s scariest spider. Which is a misnomer since all spiders are the world’s scariest.

My iced tea has not had good luck lately.

And don’t ask where I got the torch.

Random Thoughts

---It’s that time yet again.

---If I burn down the world, there won’t be any more spiders. If there’s a downside, I don’t see it.

---“Interrobang” is my current favorite word.

---For the record, it means ?! or !?. Unfortunately, it’s not considered standard for novels, because apparently no one is allowed to do anything fun ever.

---Screw you, Microsoft Word! If “interrobang” isn’t in the dictionary, it’s your problem!

---“NBC has defended its decision to interview a reality TV star instead of observing a moment of silence marking the 11th anniversary of 9/11.” And that defense is: “We cater to our audience. Since no one actually watches our network, that means more Kardashians.”

---Yes, I make fun of NBC a lot. Well, I’ll stop when they stop making it so easy.

---I hate words like disaster that, when you add the suffix –rous, turn into “disastrous”. There should be an e there, dangit.

---Cashews grow on apples. Just so you know.

---Last night I had a horrible dream: the presidential election was postponed for two weeks. Woke up screaming.

---For the record, a flashing yellow light means slow down, proceed with caution, not come to a complete stop for ten seconds to annoy the driver behind you.

---This is why I avoid driving as much as possible.

---“Windows Explorer 8…Not as bad as you’d think!” Somehow I’d be more impressed if the statement didn’t have the little “advertisement” border around it. Also goes to show you how little they think of their own product.

---“Immurement” is entombing someone alive within a structure. For future reference.

---I’m not planning anything.

---Yet.

---In writing, men tend to use pronouns slightly more than women. Also, women use more adjectives. I know that’s true for me.

---I was with my mom while she was watching “Dancing With the ‘Stars’” and I have to say, it’s a lot more tolerable if you pretend it’s the Hunger Games.

And to complete this issue of Random Thoughts, here’s another conversation between me and my mother, taking place after I helped her move a bunch of china around:

Me: Do you need anything else?

Her: Nope.

Me: Am I going to get in the other room and sit down and you’ll call me for something else?

Her: That’s very likely.

It’s Tidy in the Large Sense

To the giant spider that somehow crawled up a pipe and into my bathroom sink: this is for you. Go die now.

Like this. Only bigger. Much, much bigger.

The Tidy, Mighty Spider

(sung to the tune of The Itsy Bitsy Spider, a title I believe to be a fallacy)

The tidy, mighty spider

Crawled out the bathroom drain

I turned the faucet and

Washed the spider down

I plugged up the drain and

When I returned again

The tidy, mighty spider

Popped out th’plug for its revenge

If only this weren’t what actually happened. It actually popped out the drain plug, that’s how big it was, is what I’m saying.

Now I shall retreat to my corner with the torch I use to burn all the spiders that are after me, you know it’s true.

They’re Out to Get You

Spiders I mean. People think they’re all innocent and helpful to the environment. But then you turn around and one is peeking around the corner at you. Do you think it’s a coincidence that Stephen King made the true form of IT a nightmare spiderfrom beyond time? As opposed to, say, a nightmare ant or nightmare puggle.

Still think I’m being paranoid?

The Top Five Reasons You Should Be Afraid of Spiders

5. Arachnomatricide

There’s a species of spider out there where the mother actually stays with her young to protect them, an unusual trait in an arachnid. She starves herself in order to feed them, does whatever it takes to protect them. And what’s her reward? They eat her. How can we trust a species that kills their own mother? (Answer: we can’t)

4. Super Powers

Compared to real spiders, Spider-Man’s powers are lame. Let’s see, there are species that can regrow lost limbsand flick poisonous hair on enemies. They can kill prey that’s larger than they are. Some can even run up to ten miles an hour, pretty fast considering its size (for that particular species, six inches…just think about that. Six…inches).

3. The Bird-Eating Spider

Yes, this is a real thing. It’s actually one of the ones I mentioned above. It’s a tarantula, which are basically the hairy big brother of the spider that beats you up when you go after its wimpy little brother’s lunch money. In reality, they rarely do eat birds, they are known to snack on rodentsand small snakes. And possibly people who happen to be out by themselves late at night where there’s no one around to hear them scream. Although I haven’t been able to find a citation on that. Like most horrors, it comes from the darkest corners of the mind of great Cthulhu by way of the Amazon.

2. Teamwork! Is How They’re Going to Get You!

The mythology is that spiders are loners, and most are. But one species isn’t. They cooperate in order to bring down larger prey. How many do you think it will take to come after you? A dozen? A hundred? I don’t even know which possibility is worse.

1. Come on. They’re freaking spiders. Black Widows, Brown Recluses (violin spiders), the Camel Spider. If you click on that link, make sure no one is around to hear your subsequent girlish scream. 

Be afraid. Be very afraid.