I’m really not a fan of shopping. I especially hate it when
I’m looking at stuff and every three seconds a clerk is asking me if I need any
help finding things, no I’m just browsing
you can go away now.
Here is my experience in shopping for televisions, in a mix
of comic and script form.
Salesman: I see you’re looking at televisions.
Me: Uh, wow, don’t know where you came from. Yes, I’ve been
looking at Smart TVs.
Salesman: Then come with me!
And he took me away from the televisions, which was the
first warning sign that he was not going to help me pick out a new TV. Shortly
followed by the second.
Salesman: You have cable or dish?
Me: Uh, cable. What does that have to do with—
Salesman: How much do you pay a month?
Me: About a hundred and twenty—
Salesman: If you sign up for dish today, I can get you in
for ninety six dollars.
Me: But I don’t want—
Salesman: That’s twenty
four dollars less.
Me: I can do math, but—
Salesman: With HD.
You can’t get a clearer picture
without dish.
Me: I really don’t care about—
Salesman: Dish is awesome.
You can’t live without dish. Dish will grant all your wishes and let you live
forever. Cable sucks. It doesn’t give you HD with a clear enough picture.
Me: My phone and internet is bundled with the cable and if I
give it up the price—
Salesman: Dish is the answer to all of life’s problems. Need
money, and dish will give it to you, along with being able to see the individual
pores of every actor on television. Everyone wants to see that.
Me: From that pamphlet you gave me, I get way less channels
unless I’m willing to pay more—
Salesman: But they’re all in HD. You know, every store uses
dish because dish is so great. They wouldn’t use dish if it wasn’t great.
Me: Yeah, and they only play one channel. That’s a shining
recommendation.
I couldn’t have been more clear about my disinterest if I hired a marching band to play “I don’t want Dish” while spelling out “Seriously, no dish”.
Salesman: So would you sign here and we can set up your
installation?
Me: I don’t. Want. Dish. I’m leaving now.
Salesman: But if you go, there’s no guarantee I’ll be able
to get you the same deal!
Me: You mean the deal for the dish I don’t want with less
channels and an increase in my internet bill?
Salesman: Yes.
Me: That’s a shame.
