The Second One

I’m pretty sure my mother hates me because she said I had to watch Sharknado 2 with her. I don’t know why she’s so mean.

This movie was the most terrible of all movies, and that’s saying something because I saw the first one. First of all, um, hello? You can’t think of a better name than Sharknado: The Second One? They literally held a contest and that was the one they chose. Let that sink in for a minute. That is how much thought they put into this movie. When given a gigantic pool of names to choose from, they chose the one that represented just how little they cared about it. Anyway! Second, they had to have an increased budget, but apparently it all went towards cameo guest stars (I counted eight) because the sharks still looked made of CGI that would look bad on a Super Nintendo. So we going to do this?

It opens on a plane, where hero-made-of-awesome from the first movie, Finn, (I hate his name and want him to die) is going to New York City with his ex-wife-now-girlfriend Tara Reid. She probably has a name in the movie, but I don’t know what it is. And you know what happens? To this guy who survived the impossible Sharknado but somehow existing from the first one? He looks out the window, where it’s storming outside, and sees a f**king shark. But not before Kelly Osburn appears as a flight attendant to gush all over him for being so damn awesome (seriously, half of this movie is people telling him how great he is).

My mom actually said, “Maybe he’ll look outside and see something on the wing of the plane like William Shatner on that episode of The Twilight Zone.” And no sooner does she say that than that actually happens, although it just crashes into the wing instead of…whatever that gremlin thing was trying to accomplish. Meanwhile, in the flight cabin, the sharks start splattering on the window and one breaks in, isn’t dead somehow, and eats the copilot. And the captain, figuring she’s more important than the plane full of people, tries to save her and he gets killed.

The plane starts falling and even though the cockpit is supposed to be secure, the door flies open and Finn sees there’s no one flying the plane. Because he’s the most heroest hero in all herodom, he makes is way to the front (the plane is still falling!) and takes the wheel. Throttle. Whatever it’s called. Now, entire chunks are being ripped out, but except for the few people who are eaten by the sharks that fall through, not many actually die. Tara Reid of course has to be with Finn, so she crawls to the front and is attacked by a shark. The sky marshal throws her a gun, but the shark just eats her hand. All the while, she keeps screaming this toneless, almost bored “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Aaaaaaaaaaaah.” Even when her hand his eaten she doesn’t do more than raise a decibel.

Anyway, the plane lands and Tara Reid has to go to the hospital to be treated by Doctor Billy Rae Cyrus. But there are other people who have to be saved: Finn’s sister’s family, which includes that guy from Sugar Ray, a girl with stupid hipster glasses, and a boy I assume is supposed to be the quiet, smart type but who really doesn’t do anything in the movie. Mom and hipster girl are off seeing the statue of liberty like some tourists despite being NYC natives, and Sugar Ray and the boy are at a Mets came that’s surprisingly well attended considering that it’s the Mets. Finn calls his sister and tells her the Sharkpocalypse is coming (see how hard that was SyFy? Two frigging seconds that took me!), and she tells him Sugar Ray turned his phone off and has to be rescued from the game with Vivica A. Fox and some guy that gets killed in a few scenes so he doesn’t matter. The game is rained out by sharks and they run to the subway. By the way, tons of product placement here. Every other scene had a big Subway sign somewhere. Once that Jared guy was even there and he went “Eat fresh” for some reason.

They get into a cab driven by the only white, Jewish cab driver in New York (played by Judd Hirsch, because it wasn’t enough for them to wreck what was left of John Heard’s career they had to have his, too). Finn of course wants to throw bombs in the tornados so they all run around and grab weapons and things to make bombs. By the way, Judd Hirsh says there’s no “gun stores” in New York City. Right. Sure.

So they grab their make shift weapons, and meanwhile Matt Lauer and Al Roker are surprisingly chipper as they report that sharks are falling from the sky, and Finn’s sister and hipster girl are running through the city and literally everyone they come in contact with gets eaten by a shark. Or just crushed by the rolling head of the Statue of Liberty. But they get some of those rental bikes and manage to get to the hotel where they planned to meet with the others. Except for poor Judd Hirsch who got eaten by sharks, too.

Meanwhile again, Tara Reid, despite having her hand chewed off, decides to leave the hospital instead of hide in the basement and get doped up on morphine. But she does stop to put on lipstick before she leaves.

Finn and Vivica A. Fox go up to the top floor of that hotel and try slingshotting bombs into the sharknado, which fails, as it should. But it does catch all the sharks on fire so now it’s not just raining sharks (two inches an hour, according to the weather report…I still haven’t figured out WHAT THAT’S SUPPOSED TO MEAN), it’s raining flaming sharks. They start running down the stairs to escape them while the rest of the group is running up the stairs to escape the flood of sharks somehow climbing up them. I…this movie physically hurts me.

Finn of course saves everyone again and Tara Reid rides up in a fire truck. Maybe they mentioned the meet-up spot to her earlier, but I don’t remember it, and anyway, I have no idea how she convinced the fire department to drive her out there.

Next—and I’m not making this up at all—they meet up with the mayor, who literally begs Finn for his help. And after giving everyone a rousing speech, he and Vivica A. Fox go to do some one hundred percent bullsh!t thing that will magically stop the sharknados. Tara Reid, despite having had her hand just ripped off, gets that bland kid to make her a buzz saw arm so she can go after them and save them or whatever. So they do the bullphooey and Vivica A. Fox sacrifices herself to save everyone, not that anyone seems to give a crap, seriously, they don’t even mention her again, and Finn gets launched into the sky where he fights with a chainsaw the mayor gave him. So he’s flying around in the sky and chainsawing sharks and he rides one down and skewers it on the lightning rod on top of the Empire State Building. But he’s not safe yet and he has to climb down and fight more sharks and he reaches inside one and pulls out Tara Reid’s hand, which is still holding a gun.

I mean, frigging hell, that’s even more unlikely than the last movie, when he was swallowed by the same shark that ate that stupid waitress and he chainsawed his way out of it and rescued her. And what does he do but take the ring off the severed hand and propose to Tara Reid, because that’s about as romantic as telling her “I know you wanted to give me a hand, but this was ridiculous” when she was in the hospital. Which he really did. I can see why she divorced him.

This movie…it manages to be more egregious to science and common sense than the last one. But as bad as the last one was, at least it wasn’t constantly talking about how awesome Finn was and he’s the only one who can save everyone. The acting is just as bad, with Finn mistaking screaming for acting and Tara Reid sounding like she’s struggling not to yawn throughout the whole thing. I have to admit, the celebrity cameos were funny, and not so-bad-it’s-good funny, but real funny, and I’m surprised that a production team that doesn’t even manage to choose a decent title put effort into something. Honestly, you can only enjoy this movie if you like awful wrapped in terrible and then sautéed with a thick butter of stupid. Also seasoned with plot holes.

Well, that’s it. The most comprehensive review of Sharknado 2 that you’ll find. On this blog. Enjoy your terrible movie. I suggest bringing alcohol. Lots of alcohol.

It’s A Tornado…Of Sharks

Get it?!

I actually watched that stupid movie, mostly because my mother is a mean, sadistic person who forced me. Her excuse was “I can’t watch bad movies alone! I’d have no one to make ironic comments to!”

She used ironic like that, not me.

Anyway, here’s a rough play by play of the movie, filled with the actual observations we made while watching it.

The movie begins on a boat in the middle of, I assume, the Pacific Ocean, with a scene that has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the movie. An unscrupulous Asian business man is making some sort of shady deal with an unscrupulous captain. I have no idea what it’s about because apparently these actors haven’t heard of enunciating, but after a few minutes they start chasing each other around on a boat during a storm because that seems like a good idea. Unscrupulous Asian business man has unscrupulous captain cornered when a shark flies across the screen and takes a bite out of his leg. The storm gets worse and sharks start coming up on deck and eating people even though sharks are fish and would probably be flopping as they suffocated and not focused enough to swallow a guy whole, seriously that happens. Unscrupulous captain is the last to get killed. He just kind of stands around in the storm and, I don’t know, gets eaten piece by piece by sharks whipping by. Or something. I don’t know. It made no sense.

Anyway, the movie really begins after that, with the opening credits. Tara Reid is first because while she’s not the main character, she is the most recognizable name. Then a bunch of people no one’s ever heard of. Then…

Me: Oh, look, John Heard is in this movie.

My mom: He is?

Me: Aw. He used to be an actor. Sad.

My mom: Sad.

Then the movie’s at a beach. It’s California, but there are reports of hurricanes coming despite the fact that water temperatures and wind currents make that impossible. Anyway, there’s a guy on a jet ski hanging around, he’s like Australian or something, and a man and a woman on surfboards. When the woman on the surfboard is attacked, the jet ski guy does nothing. Sits there and watches, I guess. The other man on the surfboard, the actual main character, frantically swims over to rescue her and is way too late. When jet ski guy actually decides to go over, a shark flops up and starts gnawing on his leg.

My mom: Sharks don’t jump out of the water like that. They have to keep it flowing over their gills or they die.

Me: It was your idea to watch this movie.

Back to the movie. There’s a lot of yelling and people running out of the water. Some guy who is standing in water that only comes up to his calf is somehow nabbed by a giant shark. There’s a lot of yelling, blah blah blah. The scene switches to a bar owned by the main character, who is fawned over by his twenty year old waitress and given a generous amount of character shilling by jet ski guy. The main character’s name happens to be “Finn” because I hate the people who made this movie.

The hurricane that should not exist hits and wrecks the bar, and when it floods, a bunch of sharks come spilling in and eating more people and just a bunch of other stuff that makes no sense. The main character (I refuse to call him by name), the waitress (her too), jet ski guy (I think his name was Paz or something equally weird) and John Heard all run out together. The waitress clearly has a thing against sharks and tries to shoot them every chance she gets, although I never see anyone reload the rifle she uses. John Heard grabs a barstool and somehow manages to impale a shark with it.

A shark explodes after it gets shot.

Me: Apparently sharks are explosive.

My mom: Who knew?

The four characters get into a car and the main character insists on picking up his family, although from what we’ve seen of his ex-wife Tara Reid, she’s kind of a bitch. The waitress is all shocked to hear that the main character has an ex and a kid, as though they were best friends instead of him being her boss. As they drive down the street, more streets flood and gigantic sharks are somehow able to swim down them and into the sewers. They stop in the middle of an unflooded street, but somehow the people ahead and behind them are attacked by sharks.

Me: How is that happening? How is that happening? There’s no water, but then there is water, it shouldn’t be deep enough for sharks…ow…ow.

My mom: What’s wrong?

Me: Brain…hurts…makes no sense…

John Heard and the rest of his career are eaten by a shark and the rest of the characters finally get back in the car and start moving again. They make it to Tara Reid’s house and she and the daughter she has with the main characters are total assholes. Tara Reid’s boyfriend comes in and flips out at the main character for his audacity of wanting to check on his kid. Before they can be thrown out, sharks start raining down on the house. It floods just enough so the sharks can come in and eat the boyfriend, but good news! The car is still dry so they can all escape. And then the house explodes with water.

Apparently, the daughter isn’t an only child. There’s a son, too, but he’s off at flight school in another part of Hollywood (where they live) and now they have to rescue him. They all get in the car and start driving away when they notice a clearly empty bus in the middle of a flooded street. The main character insists they stop to check to make sure no one’s in there and suddenly the bus is full of kids. They park on a bridge above the bus and rappel down and pull up the kids one by one, and then the bus driver. Once the kids are safe, the storm starts up again and knocks over the Hollywood sign which kills the bus driver, but none of the kids because they’re kids. The main characters then leave and the kids leave in a single ambulance that is in no way big enough for all of them. As the main characters are driving, more sharks start raining down and they all scream like big babies.

Me: Oh, come on. They’re outside the car. It’s not like the sharks can chew through the roof and get to them.

And then I’m stunned into silence as exactly that happens. Seriously, it was uncanny.

The car is now ruined, but they manage to find a store that is for some reason open during a hurricane. Then jet ski guy actually does something: he goes and steals a Humvee from a movie memorabilia lot because looting rules apply. They rush a police block for some reason and even though it’s a freaking Humvee and should in no way be able to out maneuver a half dozen police cars, they escape and finally manage to reach the flight school.

The son is there and still alive, although seconds after the main characters arrive his teacher is sucked into the sky. Now tornados are approaching and they have somehow alive sharks spinning around with them. They have to do something to get rid of the tornados because…they’ll destroy the city? I don’t know. I’m not clear on that. California can withstand earthquakes. Anyway, to stop the tornados, they decide to use the bombs the flight school has for some reason. The son’s six weeks of training means he can easily fly the helicopter into the storm, and in a blatant crime against physics, dropping bombs will dissipate the tornados. It’s at this point the waitress and the son are left alone together and she clearly stops crushing on her boss in order to crush on him. She also reveals why she hates sharks so much with a story that’s basically a retelling of Quint’s story from Jaws, but without the WWII angle. Or the good acting.

Waitress and son go up in a helicopter to drop the bombs into the tornados and the others grab chainsaws to use on the sharks. A bunch of people get eaten, including jet ski guy, but the main character manages to cut a shark right in half like he’s freaking Odin or something. Meanwhile, up in the skies, they only manage to destroy two of the three approaching tornados. Waitress falls out of the helicopter because she hasn’t heard of seat belts and she is immediately swallowed whole by a shark flying around up there instead of dying. Then the main character does some real fierce expressions (acting as hard as he can!) and drives the Humvee, rigged with more bombs, into the storm. Now the sharks are all falling from the sky and not splattering on the ground like they should but eating people. They then run over to a nursing home unsubtly pointed out earlier and save a bunch of old people. The main character pours gasoline in a pool and lights it on fire. Then it explodes.

Me: Come on! That’s not how chemistry works!

One final shark comes swooping down even though it should be dead from being out of the water and he runs at it with a chainsaw. Then it swallows him whole. And dies. And he cuts his way out of it. Then he reaches back in and pulls out waitress.

My mom: It’s the same shark?

Me: And she’s alive, so being swallowed by the shark didn’t kill her.

My mom: Look how big it is. And they were both in there, swallowed whole. The shark must be hollow inside.

Me: Yep. Plus he managed to chainsaw his way out of it.

My mom: Ow…brain…hurts…

Random Thoughts

---Yes. Again.

---This is what I do when I have no idea what to write. Rather than try to come up with something interesting, I just type random words.

---Give me a break. It’s almost Thanksgiving and I’m busy helping my mom clean the house. Projects include removing the switch plates to clean them.

---If you ignore the “Do Not Enter” sign and go the wrong way on a one way street, don’t stop on a curve and spend five minutes turning around.

---Then again, if you do ignore the sign, you probably don’t have the best judgment anyway.

---There’s a new laser surgery to turn brown eyes blue. No thanks. I think my brown eyes are pretty and will take them over the probable vision damage and dry eyes.

---If you ever get attacked by a shark, rub its nose. Seriously, it works.

---Awesome. I get a new laptop and my TV starts crapping out on me.

---The Halo Effect: When someone who is an authority in one area is listened to even when his/her advice is outside the parameters of his/her expertise.

---Another definition: When someone doesn’t leave the house for three days straight in order to play video games.

---Not that I can experience that. Again, the TV. How I miss TV.

---A live hamster was given to a snake for lunch. The snake decided not to eat the hamster, but hang around with it. The adorable hamster doesn’t seem to realize he’s in danger. He crawls around on the snake like it’s nothing. That’s certainly better than the 16-foot snake that ate a deer.

---I could watch videos of animals all day. I could post more links, but I won’t because then none of us would get anything done.

---Dear Bully is a moving collection of stories where authors recount the bullying they endured growing up. Apparently, we were all bullied.

---My favorite part of thisis “Now I’m forced to hustle for a living as a ‘freelance writer,’ like that’s a thing anymore.” Bizzow!

---What your mother ate when she was pregnant with you influences how the particular food tastes to you. Fact.

---You probably learned in school that there are seven continents. In reality, “continents” is a term so vague that it borders on meaningless.

---The automated telemarketer that just called annoys me less than its incorrect grammar usage does.

---Good night! Or afternoon. Whatever.