Saturday, November 19, 2011

They’re Out to Get You

Spiders I mean. People think they’re all innocent and helpful to the environment. But then you turn around and one is peeking around the corner at you. Do you think it’s a coincidence that Stephen King made the true form of IT a nightmare spiderfrom beyond time? As opposed to, say, a nightmare ant or nightmare puggle.

Still think I’m being paranoid?

The Top Five Reasons You Should Be Afraid of Spiders
5. Arachnomatricide
There’s a species of spider out there where the mother actually stays with her young to protect them, an unusual trait in an arachnid. She starves herself in order to feed them, does whatever it takes to protect them. And what’s her reward? They eat her. How can we trust a species that kills their own mother? (Answer: we can’t)

4. Super Powers
Compared to real spiders, Spider-Man’s powers are lame. Let’s see, there are species that can regrow lost limbsand flick poisonous hair on enemies. They can kill prey that’s larger than they are. Some can even run up to ten miles an hour, pretty fast considering its size (for that particular species, six inches…just think about that. Six…inches).

3. The Bird-Eating Spider
Yes, this is a real thing. It’s actually one of the ones I mentioned above. It’s a tarantula, which are basically the hairy big brother of the spider that beats you up when you go after its wimpy little brother’s lunch money. In reality, they rarely do eat birds, they are known to snack on rodentsand small snakes. And possibly people who happen to be out by themselves late at night where there’s no one around to hear them scream. Although I haven’t been able to find a citation on that. Like most horrors, it comes from the darkest corners of the mind of great Cthulhu by way of the Amazon.

2. Teamwork! Is How They’re Going to Get You!
The mythology is that spiders are loners, and most are. But one species isn’t. They cooperate in order to bring down larger prey. How many do you think it will take to come after you? A dozen? A hundred? I don’t even know which possibility is worse.

1. Come on. They’re freaking spiders. Black Widows, Brown Recluses (violin spiders), the Camel Spider. If you click on that link, make sure no one is around to hear your subsequent girlish scream. 

Be afraid. Be very afraid.


  1. Spiders are gross, I'm not terribly afraid of them. I would be afraid of the bigs ones though, and would probably pee my pants if I came across one.

    I just think about what spiders are good for, like eating annoying flies and other bugs.

  2. Oh man, the hair is standing up on my head and I didn't even try looking at the links...

    Spiders are most definitely unholy terrors.

  3. Spiders are gross and scary. And now I'm probably going to have nightmares.

    Awesome. :)

  4. They're handy in going after bugs, and they make such intricate webs.

  5. I'm not clicking on any of those links. I'll just take your word for it.

    Although, last summer we had some itty bitty spiders at Bike Texas who would eat the ants. And I hate to discourage that sort of behaviour. If the spiders get any bigger than a pinhead, though, I start to have a problem.

  6. I was folding (line-dried) laundry when I noticed that an adorable little jumping spider had come in on one of my shirts. He didn't want to be touched, but I convinced him to jump off onto the coffee table and scurry away. Happy hunting, little guy. Eat some of those butt-ugly crickets that keep getting into my house.

  7. I don't like spiders. I got bit by one once and it was quite painful. Nothing came of it though.

  8. But they eat the insects! This sort of behavior needs to be encouraged.

  9. I must admit I wouldn't want to meet one of those huge spiders in a dark alleyway (my mum says that she saw spiders crossing the road from her bus at night in some South American country...those mothers must've been BIIIIG)...but I still don't hate spiders, and generally don't have a problem with 'em. Huge ones would freak me out though.


Please validate me.