Apocalypse Log: The Robot Uprising

One thing that’s always bothered me about robot uprisings in literature and movies: the robots always go about it so damned inefficiently. This is especially true if the robot uprising is just focused on Earth. I mean, hello? Just destroy the atmosphere and wait for us to die off! You’re robots! You don’t need it!

But I suppose I shouldn’t be giving them pointers.

What to do When If Machines try to Kill Us

1. Head to somewhere where there are no robots. Like the middle of the Amazon rainforest. Sure, you’ll be immediately killed by all the wildlife. But not the robots.

2. Make sure there’s not an off switch somewhere on the robot. Hell, you might just be able to yell “Xbox Turn Off”.

3. Buy up all the magnets you can find. Build a house out of them.

4. Start hanging around with my sister. Computers don’t do well around her. Her presence could disable a Transformer.

5. When all else fails: offer yourselves as their slaves. Come on. Do you really think that your meat-made body is going to win against our titanium overlords?

What will you do when our machines rebel? And do not say time travel. Do not make me get into why the Terminator series makes no sense.

Short Stories, Apocalypse Version

Because I promised another apocalypse post, right? So I gathered up some apocalyptic short stories for you. All written by dudes, I’m noticing. We need more women writing apocalyptic short stories (luckily we have Margaret Atwood and Susan Beth Pfeffer to deal with long form).

Year of the Jackpot by Robert A. Heinlein. Really more of a long story at ninety five pages. You can buy it for two dollars, kind of a lot really, but I remember it being a good story about the world seeming to reach a peak of insanity. The ending is probably one of my favorites.

Last Contact by Stephen Baxter. It’s a story about dark energy, cool enough, and a sudden “big rip” as the universe is suddenly pulled apart, vanishing before our eyes. Unfortunately, it’s not online anymore, a real shame. I wish I mentioned it when I first read it (of course, I didn’t have a blog then, so it may have been difficult). If you can find it somewhere, I highly recommend it.

The Scarlet Plague by Jack London. I love Jack London, so I just had to include his story of life after a plague wipes out most of the planet and returns the few survivors to a pre-industrial level. It’s a pandemic story from ninety nine years ago. It’s worth reading for that alone.

The Spider by Hans Heinz. Okay, confession, this isn’t an apocalypse story. But it is about impending doom, so I think I can kind of make it work? Well, whatever, it’s my blog. I make the rules. Anyway! It’s about a med student investigating a hotel room where everyone ends up hanging themselves. Not all that different from 1408 by Stephen King, but I liked this one better.

What apocalypse related stories do you like? Or short fiction in general?

Apocalypse Survival Guide: Pandemic

I’m doing this on Tuesday this time because I couldn’t think of another post for Tuesday. So here it is.

It’s a plague! That somehow kills everyone and doesn’t respond to any modern medicine. Hey, at least no one’s turning into zombies this time.

So I’ve scoured everything I could find that has world destroying plagues (sans zombification…wow, that’s a real word, who knew?) and while there’s a pretty good chunk of literature (THE STAND and THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN are probably the most well-known) and movies where the world is wiped out by some illness.

Survival Tips: Plague Addition

1. Don’t assume you’re immune. Even if you’ve been having vivid dream-messages from God. In fact, that might be a symptom.

2. If you hear word of a plague, stay away from all strange animals. I have seen entirely too many pandemic movies that have started with someone deciding, “Ooh! A monkey! There can’t be anything dangerous about touching a wild animal with a medical tag on its leg!”

3. Remember to always wash your hands. But don’t use antibacterial soap. All that stuff that promises to kill 99.9% of germs just means that the remaining 0.1% has evolved to kill you better. Seriously, antibacterial soap probably caused the pandemic in the first place.

4. Make sure you’re not with anyone who will kill you the second you come down with a case of the sniffles. Which pretty much means make sure you’re not with anyone.

5. Depending on the severity of the plague (i.e. if it infects all the animals, too…which is impossible, but if we’re imagining a plague we might as well go all in), you might not be able to eat any meat, even if you hunt for it yourself. Stick to dried goods and vegetables.

6. One of my general apocalypse survival tips is to find a doctor and stick with her/him. This goes double for plague-pocalypses.

7. Remember: everyone is a potential carrier, so it’s probably not a good idea to invite the neighbors over for tea in the middle of an outbreak.

8. Good news! Unless all the movies have lied to me (why would they do that?) there’s probably a research facility somewhere that will keep searching for a cure until the bitter end! Bad news! They probably aren’t accepting lodgers. But you should try to stay alive as long as possible so you can get said cure (if they find it).

That’s all the plague tips I have. If you can think of anything else to add, be my guest. And remember to stay away from monkeys.

More Zombocalypse Fun

I was always surprised that with all the zombie apocalypse stuff that’s out there, people don’t use the word zombocalypse for short. But frigging ginormous, that’s okay.

Sometimes I am just so mad at the world.

Anyway, Liz shared with me this awesome test of your zombie apocalypse survival skills. It tests your knowledge of zombies, how fast you can react, and asks about your overall physical health in order to determine how long you would last should a zombie apocalypse occur. I got 84 days, probably because I’m not exactly an athlete. If the zombies chasing me aren’t the slow, shambling variety, I’m getting eaten.

I’m not sure how accurate this survey is considering how short it is, but it will indicate whether or not you need to start hitting the gym to avoid the oncoming zombie hordes.

So how long will you live for? Be sure to share!

Apocalypse Scenario 1: Zombies

It’s a zombie apocalypse! Oh noes! What do I do?

General Zombie Apocalypse Survival

1. Don’t assume a headshot will kill a zombie. It could be an original-Night-of-the-Living-Dead zombie, and nothing but total immolation could kill those.

2. Should you be in a scenario where headshots do work, still always consider a zombie to be dangerous, even if you’ve neutralized it. It might only be stunned or you could inadvertently be exposed to the zombie virus by merely touching it.

3. In order to reduce risk of infection, behead all dead zombies and burn them. Be sure to use heavy-duty gloves while in contact with them.

4. Never not kill a zombie if you have the chance. Less of them equals less of them. Seriously, if there is a zombie and you can kill it, do it or you just know it will come back to kill you/your loved ones in an ironic death. Which I think happens on The Walking Dead at least once a season.

5. Stay out of cities. Where there’s lots of people, there’s lots of zombies.

6. Stay out of buildings/houses during your regular travels. Outside, there’s a lot less chance of getting boxed in. And always check every room before you decide to bunk down for the night in a strange house. Do you want to wake up and find something gnawing on you?

7. Not all zombies decay—think of 28 Days Later, where the virus didn’t reanimate the dead, but made the living act like them. The advantage of “living” zombies is that they will eventually starve to death. The disadvantage: they won’t decay and thus will always be able to hear, see, and smell you.

8. Don’t use chainsaws. Just don’t. What if it gets stuck halfway through the shoulder blade? Then you still have a zombie plus no weapon.

So what will you do when the living dead rise?

The Perfect Place

More from my apocalypse survival guide. Which I’m really not sure what to do with. I still haven’t made a blog for it (as you may have noticed), but I don’t know how to make it work.

Anyway, like in real estate, surviving the apocalypse requires location-location-LOCATION. Pick a bad one, and you’re screwed.

The Mall

Pros:    Lots of stores means lots of supplies.

            Plenty of space for a lot of people.

            Can finally take everything you want without consequence.

Cons:   There are a lot of entrances you’ll have to guard.

            The amount of supplies you have access to depends on a lot of things, like how big the mall is, how well-stocked it is, and what kind of stores it has (you’re not very secure in a mall filled with clothing stores).

            There’s no electricity to power all the fancy stuff you steal.

Grocery Store

Pros:    Tons of food, which is the most important thing to have access to (besides water, of course).

            Should have plenty of water, too, so you’re good there.

            Not as much space as a mall, but still a lot.

            Smaller means fewer entrances and easier to defend.

Cons:   All that fresh meat and produce is going to go bad real fast.

            Plus there’s a bunch of things like cake mixes and spices that aren’t going to be much good.

            Seriously, everyone is going to try and raid the grocery store. You’re in for a tough fight.

Warehouse Club Store

Pros:    Basically a big grocery store.

            Has random things that can be useful, like clothes and tires, which could be useful.

            Some of these places sell guns.

Cons:   A lot of useless stuff (although not as much as a mall). We’re probably not going to need cheap phones and OPEN signs during the apocalypse.

            Another prime target for looters.

Survival Bunker

Pros:    Isolated can be good, depending on the apocalypse.

            You won’t have as many annoying people to deal with.

Cons:   There’s no one around to help you.

            Unless you’ve managed to become self-sustaining, you are going to have to leave for supplies at some point.

            You better hope you don’t get locked in.

Your House/Apartment

Pros:    Duh, it’s your house.

            Most people are going to hit stores first, so you should be okay for a while.

Cons:   There’s going to be some risk in going out for supplies.

            Depending on the type of apocalypse, your house might not be safe (it could get melted by lava or slide off into the ocean or something).

            Your house might not be secure enough to keep you alive in a lawless, post-apocalyptic wasteland.

Where will you ride out the apocalypse?

Apocalypses Now

[This is what I’m going for in my new Apocalypse Survival Guide. Any thoughts or critiques you could give would help a lot. Is it funny? More pictures? Does it need more than five list items?]

There are several types of apocalypses that could destroy the world. Zombies. Aliens. Turning the world into cake. Robots. No matter what the Armageddon, there will be some general rules that apply.

And for the record, this has nothing to do with the Bruce Willis movie, so get that out of your head right now.

Top 5 Rules for Living through an Apocalypse

5. Be sure to boil all your water before you drink it. Even if it’s from pipes, it’s not like the waste-treatment plants are running anymore. Boil it so you don’t get the runs, because do you really want to die from dehydration due to diarrhea? Do you?

4. Looting will be in effect, so be sure to get your butt down to the grocery store and start filling your cart with canned goods. Fill your house with them. Seriously. There should be rooms you can’t get into because they are stuffed to the top with cans of tomato soup. Or some other kind of soup. Or not soup at all.

Okay, these are actually beer, but imagine that it's food. This is what your spare room should look like.

3. Find a doctor. Just stick around him/her all the time, keep them and their family alive, give them food and stuff so when you’re appendix bursts you’re not being operated on be a laid-off factory worker with a medical book.

2. Gas has an expiration date. You might think you’re smart by filling a swimming pool with gas for your generator, but it’s only good for a couple of months. Then you have a pool filled with poison that can’t be used for anything. Yes, this means that something about The Walking Dead is unrealistic besides the characters.

1. Get used to eating rats, squirrels, small birds, and dogs that can’t be used for hunting. Think about it. Is a giant Marmaduke dog better at catching small game, or making a Sunday dinner for the whole family?

Look at that. That could feed your family for a week, minimum.

The World in Crisis

No, it doesn’t mean the apocalypse this time. But it’s awfully close.

I present to you, The World, Yesterday at 3:24 p.m. EST.

And then everyone went home to start the weekend early.

It was a scary couple of hours.

Apocalypse Log

Do any of you remember those posts I did about preparations for the Rapture? It was in 2011 after that guy was talking about how the world was going to end in May although I don’t think it did. I suppose it’s possible we’re all hallucinating this at the same time. Really, it would explain a lot.

Anyway, I (just) got to thinking about making that a regular thing, maybe a completely separate blog about survival guides for various apocalyptic scenarios. For example, there’s been a zombie outbreak. While the general wisdom is to shoot them in the head, who’s to say that would work? It didn’t in Return of the Living Dead.

Plus, there are other possible apocalypses. What if there’s a robot rising? What do you do (get lots and lots of magnetic strips)? What don’t you do (time travel and mess causality up so much no one can keep it straight)? Let’s not forget a possible The Stand-like contagion, or invading aliens (you really shouldn’t trust germs to kill them seeing how they evolved on a completely different planet and Earth bacteria would have no effect on them). People could be dying out there without any survival guides for these scenarios.

What do you guys think? Do you have any other apocalyptic scenarios? What apocalyptic books/movies/television shows do you know about?

Holy Crapture II: Post-Rapture

So you have been left behind after the Rapture. But thanks to yesterday’s preparations, you’re safe and snug in a shelter, hiding from the worst of the carnage! Have you figured out what to do next?

Fear not. Here is a handy-dandy guide to various post-apocalyptic scenarios.

It’s entirely possible that the world will end in “fire.” This might mean a nuclear war, or it might mean the burning of all the world’s cities, or it might mean something we haven’t considered. Regardless of the specifics, destruction of the world by fire is the least survivable of scenarios. It doesn’t take strength or fortitude to survive explosions. If you’re hit, that’s it. If not, you might not be able to leave the shelter without killing yourself. It was for this reason I recommended a lifetime supply of food and water. Unfortunately, this isn’t feasible unless you’re alone and really don’t mind beans and water three meals a day for the next forty to seventy years. Even then, it requires a lot of space and the ability to entertain yourself. If you have a fixed food supply, you can either do the Survivor Type method or take the big exit. But if you have companions…well, if you aren’t picturing them as pork chops, they’re picturing you.

Ice—namely a new ice age—is a possible apocalypse, despite the inaccuracies of certain movies. Most likely, the approach of a new ice age would be very slow, as in well after our great (x100) grandchildrens’ lifetimes. In this case (and if there were no further apocalyptic problems), we would be able to resume our normal lives, sans the Raptured. If, somehow, it turns out that Roland Emmerich was right, than grouping survivors together is definitely the best solution. We will have to pool our resources together and learn how to keep warm in constant winter. Keep your head covered at all times, as you lose eighty percent of your body heat through your head. Layering clothing is recommended. If you’re performing strenuous activity, you want to be able to shed layers rather than disrobe completely, which invites frostbite. Remember to wear a waterproof outer layer, as melted snow on our bodies will be our worst enemy.

Flood is a problem for shelter dwellers, as there’s no way to avoid water. Any boat will do in this scenario as long as it floats. If you own one, move your supplies there as soon as the rain reaches ankle deep. If you don’t, it might take a lot of bargaining to join one. Make sure to keep the terms of your passage up front and unalterable. Captains may require unwavering fealty or sexual favors. If you haven’t agreed to this and the captain threatens to throw you overboard, make sure you have the backing of the rest of the crew before instigating mutiny. Finally, remember that the rainwater will require purification/desalinization if you scoop it up from our new water world. If desperate, use a tarp to collect it before it hits the ocean.

The last scenario we’ll be covering is demonic rule/rise of the dead. There may be those out there who protest grouping these two together, but the general survival method will be the same for both. First of all: weapons. If you’ve been underground a long time, it isn’t recommended you keep weapons with you (remember THE SHINING example from yesterday). But keeping them close by, maybe buried in a lock box a mile down the road, is a good idea. Be sure that the weapons are practical for you to use. If you’ve never fired a gun before, you don’t want your first time to be while running from the legions of hell. Guns usually recoil upon firing, and that will throw you off balance if you don’t know how to handle it. Next, be aware that the undead might not be the slow, lumbering zombies of Dawn of the Dead and the demons might be able to bend the rules of reality. Firing a weapon or the traditional zombie decapitation may not even work. Be sure to be prepared for the event that they do not. It’s probably best to avoid confronting the fiends all together. Keep to the shadows. If it’s demonic rule, avoid long, empty stretches. Always avoid closed spaces or locations with poor vantage points. If you can’t make it to the zombie-proof tower in Japan, try to meet up with other survivors. Small groups that work well together are preferable as large communities will be more likely to attract attackers.

Well, that’s all for post-apocalyptic survival methods as I have to go fight off the hellspawn attacking my lifetime supply of beans. Remember: if you think someone is going to kill you…you’re probably right.

Holy Crapture

As I’m sure you’ve all heard, the Rapture is occurring today. At five forty five p.m. I’m not sure if that’s Eastern, Greenwich Mean Time or what. But I’m sure you’re all as concerned as I am.

First, will you be left behind? This handy chart will surely answer that question. Don’t feel bad if you weren’t Raptured. It just means you aren’t as good as Macho Man Randy Savage.

If you are one of the ones stuck behind with me, there are a few things you can do to prepare.

First of all, we don’t know what kind of apocalypse it will be: flood, fire, nuclear war, plague, zombie or even demonic invasion. I suggest finding a bomb shelter or some other underground hideaway. If you don’t already have one built in your backyard, that is. A close friend or neighbor might allow you to join them, but it’s dangerous to approach the shelter of a stranger, who could mistake you for the walking dead/demon, or just not want to share their food.

Second, make sure you have enough food and water for at least three weeks. Head down to Costco and nab up those ten gallon drums of baked beans. Honestly, does one need anything else for post-Apocalyptic bomb shelters? But don’t forget: clean water is very important. You don’t know whether water sources will be polluted (nuclear war will be very detrimental to freshwater). So start stocking up. Remember that three weeks of supplies is only the bare minimum. You don’t know it will ever be safe to emerge.

And as it’s dangerous to go up, it will be dangerous to allow people in. They could be infected with plague or zombie, and then your preparations will have been for nothing. That’s why it’s important to get there early and lock up tight. No matter how much they beg or plead, don’t open that door. As anyone who has watched any horror movie ever will know, this will lead to your death. Don’t worry so much about disease within your shelter. Without contact with the outside world, there is little chance that will happen.

Also, be sure to keep plenty of batteries/a generator on hand. Now might be a good time to find a hand powered generator. Otherwise, make a trip to the gas station. It’s not like you’ll need that money for anything else. As for the batteries, obviously rechargeables are useless. Go for nickel batteries, which have the longest lifespans. But keep use of batteries to a minimum. I’d suggest for emergency flashlight use only.

Wanting internet access is not unreasonable, although it will require extra preparation. You’ll want to make sure your bomb shelter is equipped with high speed DSL, although a phone line will do in a pinch. Be sure to have extra batteries for your laptop! You don’t know how long your generator will hold out, so keep them all charged. It’s not recommended to use a desktop computer, which uses much more energy than a laptop.

Finally, when down in the bomb shelter, it’s easy to let cabin fever set in. It is for this reason that it is recommended you not obtain any weapons, or keep them in a secure location outside the shelter, lest you start thinking your sheltermates are out to get you because they accidentally stepped on your foot. Unless you want things to degenerate to SHINING level slaughter, keep yourself occupied. Buy jumbo books of Crosswords. Finally read WAR AND PEACE. Learn a foreign language. Knit an afghan. Most of all, remember that they are just as annoyed with you as you are with them, and it’s nothing to take offense over.

Well, I hope this has helped you prepare for the rapture. Let’s hang out sometime. Heck, we could do it more than once. We have all eternity.

Join us tomorrow where we’ll discuss survival in our new post-apocalyptic hell on Earth!

*N.B. This post was written with tongue firmly in cheek and it’s hoped no one takes offense. I’ve no intention of mocking religion, any religion. I just think it’s silly to expect that the world is ending, and even if it was, that humans would be aware of it.