Saturday, February 1, 2014

Apocalypses Now

[This is what I’m going for in my new Apocalypse Survival Guide. Any thoughts or critiques you could give would help a lot. Is it funny? More pictures? Does it need more than five list items?]

There are several types of apocalypses that could destroy the world. Zombies. Aliens. Turning the world into cake. Robots. No matter what the Armageddon, there will be some general rules that apply.

And for the record, this has nothing to do with the Bruce Willis movie, so get that out of your head right now.

Top 5 Rules for Living through an Apocalypse

5. Be sure to boil all your water before you drink it. Even if it’s from pipes, it’s not like the waste-treatment plants are running anymore. Boil it so you don’t get the runs, because do you really want to die from dehydration due to diarrhea? Do you?

4. Looting will be in effect, so be sure to get your butt down to the grocery store and start filling your cart with canned goods. Fill your house with them. Seriously. There should be rooms you can’t get into because they are stuffed to the top with cans of tomato soup. Or some other kind of soup. Or not soup at all.

Okay, these are actually beer, but imagine that it's food. This is what your spare room should look like.

3. Find a doctor. Just stick around him/her all the time, keep them and their family alive, give them food and stuff so when you’re appendix bursts you’re not being operated on be a laid-off factory worker with a medical book.

2. Gas has an expiration date. You might think you’re smart by filling a swimming pool with gas for your generator, but it’s only good for a couple of months. Then you have a pool filled with poison that can’t be used for anything. Yes, this means that something about The Walking Dead is unrealistic besides the characters.

1. Get used to eating rats, squirrels, small birds, and dogs that can’t be used for hunting. Think about it. Is a giant Marmaduke dog better at catching small game, or making a Sunday dinner for the whole family?

Look at that. That could feed your family for a week, minimum.


  1. That dog would be safe with me - I'm a vegetarian.

  2. Fill your spare room with beer and you won't care if you survive or not.

  3. Turning the world into cake would be a bad thing? How?

  4. due to

    If you keep gas in an airtight container it lasts longer, but this is why, I suppose, I don't watch Walking Dead. That just sounds dumb.

  5. How do we sign up for turning the world into cake?

  6. Great post. For me I would find Bruce Willis if it was a meteor; Brad Pitt for zombies; Noah Wylie and Tom Cruise for aliens; and Noah from the bible for a flood! Oh, and Dustin Hoffman for a pandemic :) They all seem to know how to survive LOL!
    Suzanne @ Suzannes Tribe

  7. Yeah, I don't plan to live through the apocalypse. I plan to die out in the first wave.

  8. Don't forget a manual can opener! :)

  9. It's recommended to rotate your stored gas every six months, not that I have a swimming pool-sized container of it or anything. :)

  10. Where are #s 1 & 2? :P

    Looting. Right. According to Captain Alex's blog, we might starve, but we'll all be better dressed. xD

  11. LOL! Walking dead... Gas... This is when I'd start an amazing garden and start raising livestock. The doctor thing? I totally got that cover. There's a couple of them in the family. =)


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