Apocalypses Now

[This is what I’m going for in my new Apocalypse Survival Guide. Any thoughts or critiques you could give would help a lot. Is it funny? More pictures? Does it need more than five list items?]

There are several types of apocalypses that could destroy the world. Zombies. Aliens. Turning the world into cake. Robots. No matter what the Armageddon, there will be some general rules that apply.

And for the record, this has nothing to do with the Bruce Willis movie, so get that out of your head right now.

Top 5 Rules for Living through an Apocalypse

5. Be sure to boil all your water before you drink it. Even if it’s from pipes, it’s not like the waste-treatment plants are running anymore. Boil it so you don’t get the runs, because do you really want to die from dehydration due to diarrhea? Do you?

4. Looting will be in effect, so be sure to get your butt down to the grocery store and start filling your cart with canned goods. Fill your house with them. Seriously. There should be rooms you can’t get into because they are stuffed to the top with cans of tomato soup. Or some other kind of soup. Or not soup at all.

Okay, these are actually beer, but imagine that it's food. This is what your spare room should look like.

3. Find a doctor. Just stick around him/her all the time, keep them and their family alive, give them food and stuff so when you’re appendix bursts you’re not being operated on be a laid-off factory worker with a medical book.

2. Gas has an expiration date. You might think you’re smart by filling a swimming pool with gas for your generator, but it’s only good for a couple of months. Then you have a pool filled with poison that can’t be used for anything. Yes, this means that something about The Walking Dead is unrealistic besides the characters.

1. Get used to eating rats, squirrels, small birds, and dogs that can’t be used for hunting. Think about it. Is a giant Marmaduke dog better at catching small game, or making a Sunday dinner for the whole family?

Look at that. That could feed your family for a week, minimum.

Holy Crapture II: Post-Rapture

So you have been left behind after the Rapture. But thanks to yesterday’s preparations, you’re safe and snug in a shelter, hiding from the worst of the carnage! Have you figured out what to do next?

Fear not. Here is a handy-dandy guide to various post-apocalyptic scenarios.

It’s entirely possible that the world will end in “fire.” This might mean a nuclear war, or it might mean the burning of all the world’s cities, or it might mean something we haven’t considered. Regardless of the specifics, destruction of the world by fire is the least survivable of scenarios. It doesn’t take strength or fortitude to survive explosions. If you’re hit, that’s it. If not, you might not be able to leave the shelter without killing yourself. It was for this reason I recommended a lifetime supply of food and water. Unfortunately, this isn’t feasible unless you’re alone and really don’t mind beans and water three meals a day for the next forty to seventy years. Even then, it requires a lot of space and the ability to entertain yourself. If you have a fixed food supply, you can either do the Survivor Type method or take the big exit. But if you have companions…well, if you aren’t picturing them as pork chops, they’re picturing you.

Ice—namely a new ice age—is a possible apocalypse, despite the inaccuracies of certain movies. Most likely, the approach of a new ice age would be very slow, as in well after our great (x100) grandchildrens’ lifetimes. In this case (and if there were no further apocalyptic problems), we would be able to resume our normal lives, sans the Raptured. If, somehow, it turns out that Roland Emmerich was right, than grouping survivors together is definitely the best solution. We will have to pool our resources together and learn how to keep warm in constant winter. Keep your head covered at all times, as you lose eighty percent of your body heat through your head. Layering clothing is recommended. If you’re performing strenuous activity, you want to be able to shed layers rather than disrobe completely, which invites frostbite. Remember to wear a waterproof outer layer, as melted snow on our bodies will be our worst enemy.

Flood is a problem for shelter dwellers, as there’s no way to avoid water. Any boat will do in this scenario as long as it floats. If you own one, move your supplies there as soon as the rain reaches ankle deep. If you don’t, it might take a lot of bargaining to join one. Make sure to keep the terms of your passage up front and unalterable. Captains may require unwavering fealty or sexual favors. If you haven’t agreed to this and the captain threatens to throw you overboard, make sure you have the backing of the rest of the crew before instigating mutiny. Finally, remember that the rainwater will require purification/desalinization if you scoop it up from our new water world. If desperate, use a tarp to collect it before it hits the ocean.

The last scenario we’ll be covering is demonic rule/rise of the dead. There may be those out there who protest grouping these two together, but the general survival method will be the same for both. First of all: weapons. If you’ve been underground a long time, it isn’t recommended you keep weapons with you (remember THE SHINING example from yesterday). But keeping them close by, maybe buried in a lock box a mile down the road, is a good idea. Be sure that the weapons are practical for you to use. If you’ve never fired a gun before, you don’t want your first time to be while running from the legions of hell. Guns usually recoil upon firing, and that will throw you off balance if you don’t know how to handle it. Next, be aware that the undead might not be the slow, lumbering zombies of Dawn of the Dead and the demons might be able to bend the rules of reality. Firing a weapon or the traditional zombie decapitation may not even work. Be sure to be prepared for the event that they do not. It’s probably best to avoid confronting the fiends all together. Keep to the shadows. If it’s demonic rule, avoid long, empty stretches. Always avoid closed spaces or locations with poor vantage points. If you can’t make it to the zombie-proof tower in Japan, try to meet up with other survivors. Small groups that work well together are preferable as large communities will be more likely to attract attackers.

Well, that’s all for post-apocalyptic survival methods as I have to go fight off the hellspawn attacking my lifetime supply of beans. Remember: if you think someone is going to kill you…you’re probably right.