More Zombocalypse Fun

I was always surprised that with all the zombie apocalypse stuff that’s out there, people don’t use the word zombocalypse for short. But frigging ginormous, that’s okay.

Sometimes I am just so mad at the world.

Anyway, Liz shared with me this awesome test of your zombie apocalypse survival skills. It tests your knowledge of zombies, how fast you can react, and asks about your overall physical health in order to determine how long you would last should a zombie apocalypse occur. I got 84 days, probably because I’m not exactly an athlete. If the zombies chasing me aren’t the slow, shambling variety, I’m getting eaten.

I’m not sure how accurate this survey is considering how short it is, but it will indicate whether or not you need to start hitting the gym to avoid the oncoming zombie hordes.

So how long will you live for? Be sure to share!

The Perfect Place

More from my apocalypse survival guide. Which I’m really not sure what to do with. I still haven’t made a blog for it (as you may have noticed), but I don’t know how to make it work.

Anyway, like in real estate, surviving the apocalypse requires location-location-LOCATION. Pick a bad one, and you’re screwed.

The Mall

Pros:    Lots of stores means lots of supplies.

            Plenty of space for a lot of people.

            Can finally take everything you want without consequence.

Cons:   There are a lot of entrances you’ll have to guard.

            The amount of supplies you have access to depends on a lot of things, like how big the mall is, how well-stocked it is, and what kind of stores it has (you’re not very secure in a mall filled with clothing stores).

            There’s no electricity to power all the fancy stuff you steal.

Grocery Store

Pros:    Tons of food, which is the most important thing to have access to (besides water, of course).

            Should have plenty of water, too, so you’re good there.

            Not as much space as a mall, but still a lot.

            Smaller means fewer entrances and easier to defend.

Cons:   All that fresh meat and produce is going to go bad real fast.

            Plus there’s a bunch of things like cake mixes and spices that aren’t going to be much good.

            Seriously, everyone is going to try and raid the grocery store. You’re in for a tough fight.

Warehouse Club Store

Pros:    Basically a big grocery store.

            Has random things that can be useful, like clothes and tires, which could be useful.

            Some of these places sell guns.

Cons:   A lot of useless stuff (although not as much as a mall). We’re probably not going to need cheap phones and OPEN signs during the apocalypse.

            Another prime target for looters.

Survival Bunker

Pros:    Isolated can be good, depending on the apocalypse.

            You won’t have as many annoying people to deal with.

Cons:   There’s no one around to help you.

            Unless you’ve managed to become self-sustaining, you are going to have to leave for supplies at some point.

            You better hope you don’t get locked in.

Your House/Apartment

Pros:    Duh, it’s your house.

            Most people are going to hit stores first, so you should be okay for a while.

Cons:   There’s going to be some risk in going out for supplies.

            Depending on the type of apocalypse, your house might not be safe (it could get melted by lava or slide off into the ocean or something).

            Your house might not be secure enough to keep you alive in a lawless, post-apocalyptic wasteland.

Where will you ride out the apocalypse?

Apocalypses Now

[This is what I’m going for in my new Apocalypse Survival Guide. Any thoughts or critiques you could give would help a lot. Is it funny? More pictures? Does it need more than five list items?]

There are several types of apocalypses that could destroy the world. Zombies. Aliens. Turning the world into cake. Robots. No matter what the Armageddon, there will be some general rules that apply.

And for the record, this has nothing to do with the Bruce Willis movie, so get that out of your head right now.

Top 5 Rules for Living through an Apocalypse

5. Be sure to boil all your water before you drink it. Even if it’s from pipes, it’s not like the waste-treatment plants are running anymore. Boil it so you don’t get the runs, because do you really want to die from dehydration due to diarrhea? Do you?

4. Looting will be in effect, so be sure to get your butt down to the grocery store and start filling your cart with canned goods. Fill your house with them. Seriously. There should be rooms you can’t get into because they are stuffed to the top with cans of tomato soup. Or some other kind of soup. Or not soup at all.

Okay, these are actually beer, but imagine that it's food. This is what your spare room should look like.

3. Find a doctor. Just stick around him/her all the time, keep them and their family alive, give them food and stuff so when you’re appendix bursts you’re not being operated on be a laid-off factory worker with a medical book.

2. Gas has an expiration date. You might think you’re smart by filling a swimming pool with gas for your generator, but it’s only good for a couple of months. Then you have a pool filled with poison that can’t be used for anything. Yes, this means that something about The Walking Dead is unrealistic besides the characters.

1. Get used to eating rats, squirrels, small birds, and dogs that can’t be used for hunting. Think about it. Is a giant Marmaduke dog better at catching small game, or making a Sunday dinner for the whole family?

Look at that. That could feed your family for a week, minimum.

Apocalypse Log

Do any of you remember those posts I did about preparations for the Rapture? It was in 2011 after that guy was talking about how the world was going to end in May although I don’t think it did. I suppose it’s possible we’re all hallucinating this at the same time. Really, it would explain a lot.

Anyway, I (just) got to thinking about making that a regular thing, maybe a completely separate blog about survival guides for various apocalyptic scenarios. For example, there’s been a zombie outbreak. While the general wisdom is to shoot them in the head, who’s to say that would work? It didn’t in Return of the Living Dead.

Plus, there are other possible apocalypses. What if there’s a robot rising? What do you do (get lots and lots of magnetic strips)? What don’t you do (time travel and mess causality up so much no one can keep it straight)? Let’s not forget a possible The Stand-like contagion, or invading aliens (you really shouldn’t trust germs to kill them seeing how they evolved on a completely different planet and Earth bacteria would have no effect on them). People could be dying out there without any survival guides for these scenarios.

What do you guys think? Do you have any other apocalyptic scenarios? What apocalyptic books/movies/television shows do you know about?

Holy Crapture

As I’m sure you’ve all heard, the Rapture is occurring today. At five forty five p.m. I’m not sure if that’s Eastern, Greenwich Mean Time or what. But I’m sure you’re all as concerned as I am.

First, will you be left behind? This handy chart will surely answer that question. Don’t feel bad if you weren’t Raptured. It just means you aren’t as good as Macho Man Randy Savage.

If you are one of the ones stuck behind with me, there are a few things you can do to prepare.

First of all, we don’t know what kind of apocalypse it will be: flood, fire, nuclear war, plague, zombie or even demonic invasion. I suggest finding a bomb shelter or some other underground hideaway. If you don’t already have one built in your backyard, that is. A close friend or neighbor might allow you to join them, but it’s dangerous to approach the shelter of a stranger, who could mistake you for the walking dead/demon, or just not want to share their food.

Second, make sure you have enough food and water for at least three weeks. Head down to Costco and nab up those ten gallon drums of baked beans. Honestly, does one need anything else for post-Apocalyptic bomb shelters? But don’t forget: clean water is very important. You don’t know whether water sources will be polluted (nuclear war will be very detrimental to freshwater). So start stocking up. Remember that three weeks of supplies is only the bare minimum. You don’t know it will ever be safe to emerge.

And as it’s dangerous to go up, it will be dangerous to allow people in. They could be infected with plague or zombie, and then your preparations will have been for nothing. That’s why it’s important to get there early and lock up tight. No matter how much they beg or plead, don’t open that door. As anyone who has watched any horror movie ever will know, this will lead to your death. Don’t worry so much about disease within your shelter. Without contact with the outside world, there is little chance that will happen.

Also, be sure to keep plenty of batteries/a generator on hand. Now might be a good time to find a hand powered generator. Otherwise, make a trip to the gas station. It’s not like you’ll need that money for anything else. As for the batteries, obviously rechargeables are useless. Go for nickel batteries, which have the longest lifespans. But keep use of batteries to a minimum. I’d suggest for emergency flashlight use only.

Wanting internet access is not unreasonable, although it will require extra preparation. You’ll want to make sure your bomb shelter is equipped with high speed DSL, although a phone line will do in a pinch. Be sure to have extra batteries for your laptop! You don’t know how long your generator will hold out, so keep them all charged. It’s not recommended to use a desktop computer, which uses much more energy than a laptop.

Finally, when down in the bomb shelter, it’s easy to let cabin fever set in. It is for this reason that it is recommended you not obtain any weapons, or keep them in a secure location outside the shelter, lest you start thinking your sheltermates are out to get you because they accidentally stepped on your foot. Unless you want things to degenerate to SHINING level slaughter, keep yourself occupied. Buy jumbo books of Crosswords. Finally read WAR AND PEACE. Learn a foreign language. Knit an afghan. Most of all, remember that they are just as annoyed with you as you are with them, and it’s nothing to take offense over.

Well, I hope this has helped you prepare for the rapture. Let’s hang out sometime. Heck, we could do it more than once. We have all eternity.

Join us tomorrow where we’ll discuss survival in our new post-apocalyptic hell on Earth!

*N.B. This post was written with tongue firmly in cheek and it’s hoped no one takes offense. I’ve no intention of mocking religion, any religion. I just think it’s silly to expect that the world is ending, and even if it was, that humans would be aware of it.