Tips for Surviving Thanksgiving

Or Thanksgivingocalypse. Because one of my monthly goals is to do another apocalypse post, and honestly, spending time with my family sure seems like an apocalyptic scenario. So I made a list of all the things I could do that would actually make for a Thanksgiving. You know, if anyone would actually do them.

How to Avoid the Thanksgivingocalypse

1. No alcohol. This isn’t a judgment against anyone who drinks. I’ve seen people out there who can handle a glass of wine without turning into a total a$$hole. And except for my mom, none of those people are in my family.

2. Avoid dangerous topics. You know, like politics and religion and who has to do the dishes. They only turn into screaming matches with things getting broken and people getting hurt.

3. If someone tells you to do something, do the exact opposite. For example, if someone tells you to play a tired, not-funny-ever prank on someone else, don’t frigging do it.

4. I can’t believe I have to say this, but no pot. Apparently, it never occurred to some people that it’s not okay to do something illegal in someone else’s house without their permission and while there are children in the next room.

5. Don’t lie to people about who’s coming so they show up only to find out there’s someone they don’t want to spend time with. Then don’t shame them for it.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just my family that turns Thanksgiving—and all holidays—into a total nightmare. What are your tips for surviving the holidays? Or do you actually have fun? If so, I’d sure like to know what you’re doing right…

Apocalypse Survival Guide: Pandemic

I’m doing this on Tuesday this time because I couldn’t think of another post for Tuesday. So here it is.

It’s a plague! That somehow kills everyone and doesn’t respond to any modern medicine. Hey, at least no one’s turning into zombies this time.

So I’ve scoured everything I could find that has world destroying plagues (sans zombification…wow, that’s a real word, who knew?) and while there’s a pretty good chunk of literature (THE STAND and THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN are probably the most well-known) and movies where the world is wiped out by some illness.

Survival Tips: Plague Addition

1. Don’t assume you’re immune. Even if you’ve been having vivid dream-messages from God. In fact, that might be a symptom.

2. If you hear word of a plague, stay away from all strange animals. I have seen entirely too many pandemic movies that have started with someone deciding, “Ooh! A monkey! There can’t be anything dangerous about touching a wild animal with a medical tag on its leg!”

3. Remember to always wash your hands. But don’t use antibacterial soap. All that stuff that promises to kill 99.9% of germs just means that the remaining 0.1% has evolved to kill you better. Seriously, antibacterial soap probably caused the pandemic in the first place.

4. Make sure you’re not with anyone who will kill you the second you come down with a case of the sniffles. Which pretty much means make sure you’re not with anyone.

5. Depending on the severity of the plague (i.e. if it infects all the animals, too…which is impossible, but if we’re imagining a plague we might as well go all in), you might not be able to eat any meat, even if you hunt for it yourself. Stick to dried goods and vegetables.

6. One of my general apocalypse survival tips is to find a doctor and stick with her/him. This goes double for plague-pocalypses.

7. Remember: everyone is a potential carrier, so it’s probably not a good idea to invite the neighbors over for tea in the middle of an outbreak.

8. Good news! Unless all the movies have lied to me (why would they do that?) there’s probably a research facility somewhere that will keep searching for a cure until the bitter end! Bad news! They probably aren’t accepting lodgers. But you should try to stay alive as long as possible so you can get said cure (if they find it).

That’s all the plague tips I have. If you can think of anything else to add, be my guest. And remember to stay away from monkeys.

Apocalypse Scenario 1: Zombies

It’s a zombie apocalypse! Oh noes! What do I do?

General Zombie Apocalypse Survival

1. Don’t assume a headshot will kill a zombie. It could be an original-Night-of-the-Living-Dead zombie, and nothing but total immolation could kill those.

2. Should you be in a scenario where headshots do work, still always consider a zombie to be dangerous, even if you’ve neutralized it. It might only be stunned or you could inadvertently be exposed to the zombie virus by merely touching it.

3. In order to reduce risk of infection, behead all dead zombies and burn them. Be sure to use heavy-duty gloves while in contact with them.

4. Never not kill a zombie if you have the chance. Less of them equals less of them. Seriously, if there is a zombie and you can kill it, do it or you just know it will come back to kill you/your loved ones in an ironic death. Which I think happens on The Walking Dead at least once a season.

5. Stay out of cities. Where there’s lots of people, there’s lots of zombies.

6. Stay out of buildings/houses during your regular travels. Outside, there’s a lot less chance of getting boxed in. And always check every room before you decide to bunk down for the night in a strange house. Do you want to wake up and find something gnawing on you?

7. Not all zombies decay—think of 28 Days Later, where the virus didn’t reanimate the dead, but made the living act like them. The advantage of “living” zombies is that they will eventually starve to death. The disadvantage: they won’t decay and thus will always be able to hear, see, and smell you.

8. Don’t use chainsaws. Just don’t. What if it gets stuck halfway through the shoulder blade? Then you still have a zombie plus no weapon.

So what will you do when the living dead rise?

The Perfect Place

More from my apocalypse survival guide. Which I’m really not sure what to do with. I still haven’t made a blog for it (as you may have noticed), but I don’t know how to make it work.

Anyway, like in real estate, surviving the apocalypse requires location-location-LOCATION. Pick a bad one, and you’re screwed.

The Mall

Pros:    Lots of stores means lots of supplies.

            Plenty of space for a lot of people.

            Can finally take everything you want without consequence.

Cons:   There are a lot of entrances you’ll have to guard.

            The amount of supplies you have access to depends on a lot of things, like how big the mall is, how well-stocked it is, and what kind of stores it has (you’re not very secure in a mall filled with clothing stores).

            There’s no electricity to power all the fancy stuff you steal.

Grocery Store

Pros:    Tons of food, which is the most important thing to have access to (besides water, of course).

            Should have plenty of water, too, so you’re good there.

            Not as much space as a mall, but still a lot.

            Smaller means fewer entrances and easier to defend.

Cons:   All that fresh meat and produce is going to go bad real fast.

            Plus there’s a bunch of things like cake mixes and spices that aren’t going to be much good.

            Seriously, everyone is going to try and raid the grocery store. You’re in for a tough fight.

Warehouse Club Store

Pros:    Basically a big grocery store.

            Has random things that can be useful, like clothes and tires, which could be useful.

            Some of these places sell guns.

Cons:   A lot of useless stuff (although not as much as a mall). We’re probably not going to need cheap phones and OPEN signs during the apocalypse.

            Another prime target for looters.

Survival Bunker

Pros:    Isolated can be good, depending on the apocalypse.

            You won’t have as many annoying people to deal with.

Cons:   There’s no one around to help you.

            Unless you’ve managed to become self-sustaining, you are going to have to leave for supplies at some point.

            You better hope you don’t get locked in.

Your House/Apartment

Pros:    Duh, it’s your house.

            Most people are going to hit stores first, so you should be okay for a while.

Cons:   There’s going to be some risk in going out for supplies.

            Depending on the type of apocalypse, your house might not be safe (it could get melted by lava or slide off into the ocean or something).

            Your house might not be secure enough to keep you alive in a lawless, post-apocalyptic wasteland.

Where will you ride out the apocalypse?