Title: A SAFE PLACE IN HELL
Genre: YA/Dystopian
Word count: 75,000
Okay, I've whittled it down to two basic pitches:
Version 1: Eddie shot a soldier—genius move. Now he’s fleeing across the deadlands, his friends are dying, and sanctuary looks out of reach.
Version 2: How’d this happen? Eddie fleeing across the deadlands, dodging bullets and watching his friends die? Oh. Right. He pissed off the wrong guy.
I think #2 has more voice, but I've heard people don't like to see questions in pitches. Note that neither one is truly complete (2 is too long) but I'd like to figure out which one is best before adding the finishing touches. Thoughts?
Very nice. Love how you brought out a conflict that's both physically and emotionally stimulating. Definitely leaves me wanting to know more.
ReplyDeleteYou've given us the mc's name, an idea about the setting, and showed us the stakes are high. I think it's great!
ReplyDeleteNice pitch, but I'm a bit confused. Even if he finds sanctuary for himself, won't his friends still be in trouble? Or are they all fleeing?
ReplyDeleteThis is really intriguing, and I'd want to read more, but I'm a little confused what the genre is. Maybe you could make that a little more clear? Also, could we get a detail about Eddie? Is he a teen? Otherwise, good job!
ReplyDeleteI think this sentence is great, but I do agree with Myne. How is Eddie finding sanctuary going to save his friends?
ReplyDeleteDefinitely catchy.
ReplyDeleteLike a few others have mentioned, I'm not sure how his finding sanctuary will help his friends, but I think you did a great job with voice ("genius move") and setting ("deadlands").
ReplyDeleteAnd since the idea is to hook the agent into wanting to read more, and you're working with the 140 character limit, I think you did great :)
I like it. Although the question about his friends is a good one.
ReplyDeletei think all the elements are here, but perhaps making the pitch a little more active would help...dodging bullets in a frantic flight across deadlands eddie and his friends seek protection from...or something like that...also, "eddie's flight across the..." isn't a question.
ReplyDeletei am curious though why he shot the soldier and who is after him and of course who can aid him and his friends...so you've hooked me man keep me posted.
also, thanks for commenting on my pitch. i thought it was funny you said you weren't a baseball fan because you ended with a baseball pun "you've got a great pitch" heh...i am working on a new version for tomorrow and your feedback is a big help. good luck!
douglas esper
The second version confuses me a little - at first I thought that first line was an intro to the pitch or something.
ReplyDeleteHow about something like:
"He's pissed off the wrong guy, and now Eddie must flee across the badlands, dodging bullets and watching his friends die."
as for watching his friends die... it makes me wonder why he can't stop those friends dying? does he even try? almost sounds like he just stands there watching. while running, of course :D
I'm already intrigued by the story, I must say, and would definitely want to read it! but I think you'd want to clear up the pitch a bit.
Oh, I love the voice of the second, but I really like the first. Let's see if we can combine them...
ReplyDeleteEddie shot a soldier—genius move. Now he’s fleeing across the deadlands searching for sanctuary, dodging bullets and pissing off the wrong guy. [add stakes?]
Sounds like a fab story! Great job ;o)
i like both versions - the voice is spot on.
ReplyDeleteI think, if pushed to choose, i like 1 a bit more. Though everyone's comments about sanctuary not saving his friends is true (though i didn't notice). BUT i think you could easily fix that (assuming you don't stick to the 140 characters)
Great job!
I still like the feel of number 1 best. Is there a way to combine the two so you fix the bit about his friends?
ReplyDeleteEddie shot a soldier--genius move. Now he's fleeing across the deadlands, dodging bullets and watching his friends die.
Or something. :) You are so close, these are both really good.
I like the first version better. If he does anything to help his friends, I hope you can find a way to work it in. Even if he wants to but can't-
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice in version 2, but I've heard agents say they don't like questions. Both pitches grabbed me though.
ReplyDeleteReading your profile, I had to pop back with another comment. I love to nitpick and analyze things to death too! Loved your discussion of all the "-spiration" "-spire" words.
ReplyDeletePersonally, and this is from what I have read ona gent blogs, I wouldn't pitch a question in a pitch, same for query. Just make a statement and it will sound MUCh better. maybe "He pissed off th wrong guy..." Know what I mean?
ReplyDeleteI like the third revision! It nicely conveys voice ("hey, it was an accident!") and conflict. Could you maybe punch up the specificity in the second sentence, though? "Trying to find a safe place" sounds very vague. Maybe even provide a more specific glimpse into the world itself. For example: "Eddie shot a soldier—hey, it was an accident! But now he’s running from the army, desperate for sanctuary in a world where nothing grows." Or something like that ... :)
ReplyDeleteQuestions are all a matter of taste. When well done, I think they're fine.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a fun book. Nice job.
Okay, I like them all but it didn't stop me from playing with it a bit. Here's my take --->
ReplyDeleteEddie's no genius. Heck, shooting a soldier proves that, now he has to flee with his friends into the deadlands to escape death, how ironic.
Okay, it's probably lame. Anyway, each of your examples does what it needs to do to hook the reader. Excellent job! :D
I think a combination without any rhetorical questions would be the best fit for this. Maybe:
ReplyDeleteEddie accidently shot a soldier and pissed off the wrong guy. Now he's searching for a safe place in a dead world while his friends die.
(138 characters)
Or something similar... Challenging!
I like the voice of #1 and the use of "deadlands" and "sanctuary". I'm not as much of a fan of "hey, it was an accident" as everyone else seems to be (I'd like "bad idea" or "stupid move" or some other version of "genius move"), but I appear to be in the minority. In that case, I think I'm with A.B. above - keep the third revision and maybe add those words from the first and you're there.
ReplyDeleteNice work on the pitch and an intriguing story.
Good luck! Thanks for your comment on mine!
I like the voice of #1 and the use of "deadlands" and "sanctuary". I'm not as much of a fan of "hey, it was an accident" as everyone else seems to be (I'd like "bad idea" or "stupid move" or some other version of "genius move"), but I appear to be in the minority. In that case, I think I'm with A.B. above - keep the third revision and maybe add those words from the first and you're there.
ReplyDeleteNice work on the pitch and an intriguing story.
Good luck! Thanks for your comment on mine!
I think both two and three are great, but I prefer two. I think it's got better voice :)
ReplyDeleteI keep coming late to the party, dangit. I like the voice in #2, although everyone else probably knows more than I do about questions in pitches. And the "genius move" bit is brilliant-- could you work it back in?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I want to read this book.
Or recombine all three?
ReplyDeleteEddie shot a soldier-genius move! Now he’s fleeing across the deadlands, dodging bullets, watching his friends die, trying to find sanctuary
Or something like that, since you have to leave off the last period to get it to 140 exactly :) (Though I still like "He pissed off the wrong guy."
I think it has voice but something still doesn't sit exactly right.
ReplyDeleteMaybe its just me, because you have the stakes and conflict laid out.
Brandi Kosiner
This is a terrific pitch. I like #1best. It's got great voice, and it provides more detail (he shot a soldier). Good luck with the contest!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely no on the questions. When you focus on voice you lose time for plot, and that's what a pitch is all about. Number one is brilliant, and it has voice anyway(the "genius move" part). The only correction I would make to number 1, which is already good, is that I don't like the word "sanctuary" because it can have so many meanings. Is he going to a church? Or does it mean safety in general?
ReplyDeleteI can't comment on the subject of questions in pitches but I love the feel of Version 2.
ReplyDeleteThank you, by the way, for taking time out to read and critique my own pitch. Your feedback is much appreciated!
M.J. Fifield
My Pet Blog
To me, asking the question "spends" a lot of characters and takes away space you could use for your pitch. Because of this, I like the first one.
ReplyDeleteChristi Corbett
I like #1 the most but would incorporate some of 2 in it.
ReplyDeleteSounds interesting.
I like #1 better because I don't think you need the question in pitch #2, but would like to see the two melded together.
ReplyDeleteI like both, but stay away from questions. So it's #1 for me.
ReplyDelete