More Weird Searches

It’s been several months since I’ve done one of these and boy to I have some things to share.

I guess it makes sense that people would wonder what it’s like to live in other places. But seriously just ask your frigging spouse what it’s like to be married to you. WORDS EXIST.

More queries into what something is like. The riot one may have been from me. It was for research!

Do people seriously wonder what it looks like they do for a living? Is this a normal thing people ask themselves and my brain is just not able to comprehend it?

The abbreviations I can understand. There are a lot of them and sometimes it’s hard to keep track. But “why does mean”?

Apparently people are just grammatically wrong so often that Google knows how to predict it in advance.

And as a bonus, what popped up on my home screen a few months back:

I’ve never done anything online related to basketball in my life. For a company that steals our personal information to sell it for advertisers they really aren’t doing a good job.

Weird Searches

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these, right?

Ask your dog if it burns when he pees. Then you’ll know.

The sleeping habits of snails are important to know!

The ones about how to get taller may be because of my own personal search history.

If google knows what those things are called just from you typing “those things” you may need to adjust your privacy settings.

Because you have a fungus! Get some athlete’s foot powder! Yes I know you don’t work out it’s just the name! 

More Weird Searches

Why do I do this? Is a good question that never comes up in my weird searches, although you’d think it would.

What is a fidget spinner. I think my mom must have written this one.

Three of these I ask myself every day. I’ve never heard of “how can anyone tell you”. I guess it’s a song?

Honestly, if it wasn’t for autocorrect I would never be able to spell any of these. Except actually. I got that one down. I’m pretty good with congratulations, but every now and then my fingers hit d instead of t. It just sounds like a d, you know?

Now I’m wondering why the hell somebody’s poop is green. Maybe it’s from the snakes that make your right ear ring.

And now we clearly just have people who don’t understand the way the internet has changed businesses. As well as people who didn’t have to sit through School House Rock when they were kids. It wouldn’t surprise me if there was a lot of overlap between those groups.

More Weird Searches

It’s been a few months since I’ve done this so why not?

I’m sensing a pattern here.

Because they’re morons.

Dude. Buddy. Pal. You need to set up your calendar alerts before the holiday.

I looked up despacito to see what it was and then saw it had to do with Justin Bieber and I deleted my history then burned my computer.

…Why is Caillou bald? Frig. This is going to keep me up all night.

Ever searched for anything  and had something  funny come up?

More Weird Searches

There is nothing weirder than trying to look something up and have Google autofill something that you’re afraid will get you arrested for looking at it. Seriously, why do people ask these questions?

At first I was laughing, because it’s really easy to stop singing, but then I remembered that there are things like Tourette’s where people can’t help it and I felt like a jerk.

…Maybe the internet isn’t the one you should be asking why you got married. Maybe if you are, your marriage is in serious trouble.

Now, this one we can all laugh at. Also, asparagus.

Your goldfish didn’t die of natural causes. It was murder!

Obviously therealreal is legit. It has two reals in it.

You ever search and wind up stumbling over something funny?

More Weird Searches

It’s that time again! And in all fairness, it’s been awhile since I’ve looked up the weird-ass stuff that people have searched for to the point that it’s one of the top auto-fill-in suggestions.

…How can I keep from singing. Maybe try closing your mouth?

Clearly the bottom ones are from people who are trying to understand what their kids are saying.

Stick your head out the window and look up at the sky. If water is falling down on you, then it’s raining.

Maybe you’re so tired because it keeps you up at night that people are searching for reasons why their poop is green.

I have to wonder if all four of these are related in some way.

More Weird Searches

Weird searches! I love these. Finding out what people search for on the internet is always an interesting experience. And it’s been a while since we’ve done one of these. This is the first one in 2016!

How to tie a tie. Fair enough. It’s hard. How to be single. Don’t get why you have to ask that, but whatevs. How to screenshot on a Mac. I get it, Apple is confusing when you’re used to Windows. But. But. How to get away with a murderer. Not like the show, How to Get Away With Murder. With a murderer. Anyone else freaked out about this?

Is it possible to sleep too much? I’d like to be the test case for finding out.

It is possible to time travel. We do it all the time, going forward in time at the speed of regular time.

Sorry buddy, you’ve got herpes for life. Also, you probably shouldn’t be asking the internet if there’s a god. It’s probably not the best source.

A broken heart is best fixed by lots of ice cream. And revenge. Also, seriously, if you broke your toe, go to the frigging emergency room, what the hell, why are you looking this up online. Get a doctor.

More Weird Searches

Why am I always able to find more of these? And why do I find them so amusing?

Honestly, if you don’t know how to get home I’m not sure the internet is going to help you. And how do I love thee?

How much does water weigh. Not a gallon of water like above query, which is something that can be solved. Just water, in general. It could be the weight of the smallest quantity of water, one molecule (~2.989*10^-23 grams) or all water everywhere (???).

I need a hero? Uh…I’m not really sure how to react to this. But I do need money.

Interphase is the time of rest before a cell divides. Clearly someone is looking up answers to their biology homework. Good luck finding out what happens when you die.

If you start talking about having powers, I can guarantee you a couple of black eyes.

And finally, not long ago, I wanted to go to Wikipedia to look up something inconsequential. So I begin typing the address in. And these are what auto-fills in.

I’d like to point out that I had just, just cleared my history so there was literally nothing for it to base these on. It just gives me Drug Test, something about encryption keys, Windows 8 (ugh), and a Czechoslovakian-Austrian-German millionaire. Okay.

Searches

I’ve done this a couple of times before, where I put in random words and phrases in Google and see what auto fills first. Honestly, every time I do this I become more convinced that humanity is doomed.

This one might be understandable. I have no idea what capers are either.

Others are just people who can’t figure out riddles. And need help cleaning up after murders, which in all fairness, can be messy.

Clearly this is just people who need help with their math homework. Or need to figure out why it burns when they pee.

Okay, seriously? How do I live? More confusing: how do I live without you? If you’re looking that up on Google, your problems may run deeper than the internet can solve.

It’s a good thing computers aren’t sentient. They might blackmail us by deciding to publish our search histories.

Internet Searches that Have Got to Stop

And now, the horrible truth of some bizarre internet searches that are so common that Google brings them up if you type in an innocent sequence of words. I don’t remember what exactly I was searching, just that it started with “Is it possible to never”. Then things got weird.

Do people…really want to know this? Is there someone alive who has not pooped or farted? I just...this gives me a headache.

Another time, I was typing something like “can a cat eat vegetables” (long story, one of my cats keeps trying to eat celery) but I accidentally hit a z instead of the c for cat and I got…

Honestly, it’s less weird than the other one, but it also makes me think that people actually think it could happen and oh that’s depressing for humanity. And what’s with the yahoo? Are they the ones that are going to bring the zombie apocalypse down on us? Google I can see being behind something like that, but not Yahoo. I’m sure they’d try and maybe they’d eventually get it to work, but by then we’d have all moved on to better zombie apocalypses.

And finally, I was looking up something else and the auto fill gave this…

I don’t know what’s the matter with Kansas. Or the meaning of life. Or how a search engine can answer that. Seriously people, it’s a search engine, not god.

Have you ever stumbled across any crazy/disturbing searches?