Insanity You Have to Read to Believe

I had to post this because I’m not sure I can convey how insane my mother is otherwise. Like most things, this started because of Dinosaur Comics, specifically this one. I mentioned it to her, via the internet, because she’s always saying “I feel like there are bugs on me.” This is the actual exchange that followed. And yes, she really does IM me with no capitals.

Her: Isn't it somewhat ironic that you post a thing about being covered in ants, when you are so paranoid of them?

Me: I’m not paranoid of them. I think they

    're gross.

    Accidentally hit enter there. Whoops.

Her: I needmore traps

Me: It's those stupid big, black ants, isn’t it?

Her: bastid ants

Me: I thought you'd think the quote was funny since you're the one who's always claiming there are bugs on you.

Her: well there always ARE bugs on me!!!!

    i think there's one on me right now!

Me: T-rex thinks so too.

Her: what?  what does that mean?

Me: He's the main character of Dinosaur Comics. He's a t-rex named T-Rex.

Her: well of course, a t-rex should be named t-rex.

    that's my favorite dinosaur

    for obvious reasons

Me: The tiny little arms?

Her: yup!  and the attitude

Me: Yes. They're very tough.

    T-rex once claimed the end of Jurassic Park wasn't realistic because the t-rex didn't kill everyone.

Her: he's absolutely right.  they nail everything.

Me: They have very big teeth.

Her: and they take no GUFF.

Me: No guff!

 Her: not a smidge of guff.

Me: They won't accept it.

Her: at all

 Me: It's not even in their vocabulary.

 Her: guff?  what guff?

 Me: Not if there's a t-rex around.

 Her: t-rexes are the coolest.

    just like me

 Me: Yes. Yes of course.

 Her: i sense guff

 Me: No. None at all.

 Her: i am part t-rex and we have a highly developed sense for guff.  and I SENSE GUFF!!!

    you're in trouble you diplodicous

Me: But as a t-rex, you wouldn't know what guff is. You have no word for it, so the concept is hazy.

Her: oh shut up or i'll rip your head off

    i may do it anyway, just because i can

 Me:  Not if there's a meteor coming down.

Her: meteor shmeteor

Me: T-rex can't bat it away with its tiny arms.

 Her: he'll bite it.  you can't do anything except look at it because of your tiny brain

    huhhhh?  wassat?  big ball in sky?

 Me: T-rex's brain is quite large. Large and unwieldy.

 Her: large and smart.  diplodicus has a tiny brain and an extra tiny brain to run it's big fat tail.

    too dumb for one brain

    and big fat feet that get stuck in the mud

 Me: You know way more about dinosaurs than I ever thought.

Yes, my mother insults me by calling me a diplodicus (she probably means diplodocus, but honestly I have no idea). If Sh*t My Dad says can get on TV, this is at least worth a pilot.