The Epic Saga Continues

More conversations with my mom that I’m somehow not making up. This time we were talking about weekend plans and how she supposed to have lunch with one of her friends.

Her: I half expect her to cancel on me. I told her it was her birthday, I’d pay for it, but still she was all wishy-washy.

Me: Oh, it’s her birthday? That’s nice.

Her: Yeah, but her daughter’s birthday is the same day and she said on Facebook they were doing something.

Me: That doesn’t mean she’ll cancel lunch. Are their birthdays really on the same day?

Her: Yep. Her daughter had the decency to be born on the same day as her, unlike some people who came four days too early.

Me: Five days.

Her: Five days too early.

Me: …Are you really yelling at me for not having the same birthday as you?

Her: Yes!

The Stuff I Have To Deal With

If this is the shortest month of the year, why does it feel like it’s going on forever? Plus there’s another Tuesday and I have no idea what to post. So here’s a stupid conversation between me and my mom that took place when she showed up at my door at ten thirty in the morning:

Me: What’s up?

Her: Were you just sleeping?

Me: What?

Her: You look like you just woke up.

Me: I’m fully dressed. My hair is up.

Her: And you look like you just woke up! I think you were sleeping!

Me: You talked to me, like, an hour ago.

Her [narrowing her eyes]: I think you were sleeping.

Me: …

I’ve never been able to sleep during the day even when I’m tired. Unlike her, who enjoys an afternoon nap. She just thought I looked tired and couldn’t stand the thought of me being asleep. I think it physically pains her to see me resting.

Ugh.

Christmas Shopping

This…yeah, it’s pretty much what happened back on Christmas. My mom’s really weird sometimes. All the time.

The Last To Know

No one ever tells me anything.

I suppose I should be glad I found out sometime before the day itself.

Sides

A true story.

My mom seems to create entertaining situations. Of course I usually end up getting yelled at.

Moms and Technology 4

Yes, one more for the road because I don’t want to come up with an original post. This one actually took place the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, while I was baking a cheesecake. I was answering texts while trying not to get cream cheese all over my phone.

Her: How do you put page numbers and a header into a Word document?

Me: Just add page numbers and then type in your header.

Her: No I need them to be on opposite sides.

Me (never heard that before): WHAT?

Her: It’s APA format!

I had no idea. I had to go look it up, and let me say it’s ridiculously complicated. Seriously, APA, what’s so horrible about having a header and a page number on the same side? And boy am I glad I’m not in school anymore.

Moms and Technology 3

Remember the power outage I mentioned? It affected most of the state, including my mom’s house, so she was pretty bummed that she couldn’t watch her DVDs of Friends.

Me: I can bring over my laptop and you can watch it on that.

Her: Yeah, bring it, but we’ll just watch it on Netflix.

Me: I…We can’t watch it on Netflix. There’s no internet.

Her: I know. But it’s Netflix.

Me: …You can’t watch Netflix without the internet.

Her: You can’t? Why?

Me: Because you need the internet to access it like you do any website and you have no internet!

Her: Really?

Me: No power means no modem which means no internet!

Her: …Are you sure?

Me: Yes!

Later…

Her: Are you sure you can’t watch Netflix on your laptop?

I start sobbing.

Moms and Technology 2

Happy Thanksgiving! Here’s more actual conversations that I’ve had with my mother.

Her: I can’t get my wireless printer to print.

I go down there, find it’s not connected to the internet. I can’t access it through her computer, so I try connecting it directly through her internet cable, which means I had to unplug her from her modem. That didn’t work so I plugged her back into the modem and figured out how to re-sign in her printer to her wireless network. Lo and behold, it starts printing and I leave her to it.

Five minutes later…

Her: It stopped printing! Right in the middle of a page!

Me: Okay…wait. It’s still connected to the internet.

Her: Stupid thing!

Then she hands me the blue cord that was supposed to be connecting her computer to the modem.

Her: This is useless, right? Because it stopped working right around the time I took it out of my computer.

I couldn’t even talk. I just reconnected it and set up everything again and she swore she’d never touch any wires again. I just. Why did she think I put it back. What did she think her desktop computer was getting the internet from. Why. Why why why.

After that I had to go lie down for a while.

Moms and Technology 1

It’s Thanksgiving week! I have too much to do so here’s a bunch of actual conversations I’ve had with my mom.

Her: I can’t find my paper. I know I saved it on Chrome but all that’s here is a blank page.

Me: Okay, did you save it on Google Drive?

Her: What’s Google Drive? How do I find it?

Me: Just go to the nine dots in the corner and click on it. It should be there.

Her: Okay, the paper’s not there. Can you go to my computer at home and check for it on there?

Me: …Fine.

So I get there and turn it on and…

Her: Never mind. I found it.

Stick Figures 3: Helping Out

This is an honest to god actual account of something that happened over my vacation, when my mom asked me to help her get the music she downloaded onto her iPad.

I'm not even kidding, two frigging hours.

Insanity You Have to Read to Believe

I had to post this because I’m not sure I can convey how insane my mother is otherwise. Like most things, this started because of Dinosaur Comics, specifically this one. I mentioned it to her, via the internet, because she’s always saying “I feel like there are bugs on me.” This is the actual exchange that followed. And yes, she really does IM me with no capitals.

Her: Isn't it somewhat ironic that you post a thing about being covered in ants, when you are so paranoid of them?

Me: I’m not paranoid of them. I think they

    're gross.

    Accidentally hit enter there. Whoops.

Her: I needmore traps

Me: It's those stupid big, black ants, isn’t it?

Her: bastid ants

Me: I thought you'd think the quote was funny since you're the one who's always claiming there are bugs on you.

Her: well there always ARE bugs on me!!!!

    i think there's one on me right now!

Me: T-rex thinks so too.

Her: what?  what does that mean?

Me: He's the main character of Dinosaur Comics. He's a t-rex named T-Rex.

Her: well of course, a t-rex should be named t-rex.

    that's my favorite dinosaur

    for obvious reasons

Me: The tiny little arms?

Her: yup!  and the attitude

Me: Yes. They're very tough.

    T-rex once claimed the end of Jurassic Park wasn't realistic because the t-rex didn't kill everyone.

Her: he's absolutely right.  they nail everything.

Me: They have very big teeth.

Her: and they take no GUFF.

Me: No guff!

 Her: not a smidge of guff.

Me: They won't accept it.

Her: at all

 Me: It's not even in their vocabulary.

 Her: guff?  what guff?

 Me: Not if there's a t-rex around.

 Her: t-rexes are the coolest.

    just like me

 Me: Yes. Yes of course.

 Her: i sense guff

 Me: No. None at all.

 Her: i am part t-rex and we have a highly developed sense for guff.  and I SENSE GUFF!!!

    you're in trouble you diplodicous

Me: But as a t-rex, you wouldn't know what guff is. You have no word for it, so the concept is hazy.

Her: oh shut up or i'll rip your head off

    i may do it anyway, just because i can

 Me:  Not if there's a meteor coming down.

Her: meteor shmeteor

Me: T-rex can't bat it away with its tiny arms.

 Her: he'll bite it.  you can't do anything except look at it because of your tiny brain

    huhhhh?  wassat?  big ball in sky?

 Me: T-rex's brain is quite large. Large and unwieldy.

 Her: large and smart.  diplodicus has a tiny brain and an extra tiny brain to run it's big fat tail.

    too dumb for one brain

    and big fat feet that get stuck in the mud

 Me: You know way more about dinosaurs than I ever thought.

Yes, my mother insults me by calling me a diplodicus (she probably means diplodocus, but honestly I have no idea). If Sh*t My Dad says can get on TV, this is at least worth a pilot.