Movies

I like having Netflix. I really do. But I honestly think its rating system is backwards. I keep selecting movies with four or five stars and end up wanting to stick an ice pick in my brain to stop the stupidity from infecting it. Here is a select

Dead Silence

One of the guys who did Saw was behind this and I had heard good things on Tumblr about it. Those were all lies. It is terrible. It’s about this guy (who we might as well call Bland Whiteman because I sure as hell don’t remember his name) who’s convinced this ventriloquist dummy killed his wife and he goes back to his hometown to prove it, and Donnie Wahlberg is the detective who follows him because he obviously thinks that story is frigging crazy. The acting is poor, the plot nonsensical, and come on, if a dummy is trying to kill you, you set the thing on fire because it’s a dummy and you’re a human. And I really don’t think it’s scary, like at all. I’m not usually scared by horror movies anyway, but this one was especially dull. There are a few jump scares and some mild gore, but none of that is actually frightening.

Secrets in the Walls

Wow, this one was bad. Like, so, so bad. Like, it has a montage in it, that’s how bad and trope-filled it is. Jeri Ryan is a single mother of two girls gets a deal on a mysterious house because that’s always what happens and then really boring ghost stuff starts happening and everyone’s in denial about it even when it’s slapping them in the face, and OMG the acting is so bad, the writing is so bad, the dialogue is sooooooo bad. No one speaks like a person would. I think the script was turned out by a computer that just pulled scenes from other, better movies and then approximated human speech from average word usage.

After

Of the movies I’ve seen recently, this one is probably the best and that’s kind of sad. These two people, a man and a woman, meet while riding on a bus and then wake up in their home town completely alone. They do the only smart thing done in the movie and try to leave, but the town is surrounded by darkness that’s slowly consuming everything and just to make things interesting there’s a monster lurking out there because…I’m not really sure. It kind of has an explanation, but like most things in this movie it doesn’t really make sense. Like the fact that the main female character is a brunette with an accent, but flashbacks to her childhood show her has a blond girl without one. I feel like that sums up the entirety of the movie: they have explanations, but none of it makes any kind of sense. The romance between the two characters for example. Besides the fact that they have no chemistry at all, you find out something at the end (it’s a spoiler, so I guess I won’t go into details) that makes the two of them ending up together seem like the last thing that would happen.

Come Back to Me

Sometimes you can get away with the thing holding up your plot not being explained. But most of the time you can’t and this is no exception. The basic plot is that this creepy loner moves in across the street from this couple and shortly after, weird things keep happening to the woman. She’s obviously suspicious of the creepy neighbor and tries to figure things out, then she gets pregnant and her husband leaves her because he’s sterile and she goes to visit creepy neighbor’s mother and blah blah blah who cares? I sure don’t. None of these characters have anything resembling a personality and the plot isn’t interesting at all. It’s just like, “Here, this totally impossible thing is happening. What? You want to know how? Ha ha, no.” There was one genuinely good moment, the very end, and not even because the movie was finally over. I’m not going to spoil it—although no, it’s definitely not worth sitting through this mess for—but it was something that was a good twist (as in, not out of nowhere) and even with the non-explanation-y nature of the movie, actually made sense.

San Andreas
A bonus movie that’s actually out in theatres. Although probably not by the time you’re reading this. Because it’s terrible. I only went to see it because I have a friend who has a thing for The Rock and she didn’t want to go alone and I owe her and she apparently hates me. This movie was basically every single action movie ever. They didn’t try anything new, the characters weren’t fully realized, and it was predictable to the point hat I was able to guess what was going to happen right down to the dialogue. The special effects were cool looking, but not to the point that it’s worth buying a ticket. The one thing it has going for it is that the seismology expert they have going as a B story mentions you aren’t supposed to hide in a doorway during an earthquake but take cover under things, which is actually true. So kudos to you, movie, for getting that one right.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve been watching this month. What are you up to?

Going Postal II, Part 1

Today’s my blogiversary! I think. I’m like ninety percent sure. Anyway, I’m going to celebrate like I did last year: by reposting! Because there’s no better way to celebrate your blog’s longevity than by not blogging. And first up is the post that I think was my best one from the past year, even if it doesn’t have a terrible amount of views or comments. It’s actually from last September, after I did the repost thing for the first time.

The Z is for Zombie (Originally posted 9/24/2013 [http://jeoneil.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-z-is-for-zombie.html])

Well, I finally got around to watching World War Z last weekend, so spoilers ahoy if you haven’t seen it yet but still want to. It has already been reviewed by more articulate people than I (who also saw the movie when it actually came out, thus making the reviews actually useful), so I’m not going to go into much depth about it. Suffice to say it was a very standard action film with characters that weren’t realized enough to be compelling and despite being a zombie movie, wasn’t really scary. Honestly, reading the news about its troubled production was way more entertaining than the resulting film.

The real point I want to get into is how it was a very poor adaptation of the book, like adaptation in name only. The book is about societal collapse and eventually, its reconstruction. It’s accepted that the zombie plague can’t be cured, can’t be prevented, and is always fatal. Conventional methods of warfare are ineffective. Ruthless, amoral methods end up being the only way to survive, from cannibalism to using humans as zombie bait.

The movie shows none of that, except maybe the plague being incurable. Zombies are unstoppable excepting headshots, like in the book, but there is never any modification of tactics beyond that “infect yourself with a curable disease and then the zombies won’t want you” thing. Even though I would think that the rotting undead wouldn’t be that picky. Seeing as they’re dead.

But that’s beside the point. The movie is weak. The societal upheaval is replaced with a man searching for clues about the disease so he can reunite with his family. Granted, the original framing of WORLD WAR Z had no main character (except maybe the guy conducting the interviews), but still. They could have come up with something better than the weaksauce every-action-movie-ever plot they had. They didn’t try to make a WORLD WAR Z movie (or they tried and failed…miserably). They made a zombie movie with World War Z as its title.

Finally, I would like to point out that just because this movie of a book was bad doesn’t mean all book-movies are bad, even the ones that are bad adaptations. The original version of Blade Runner is hardly the adaptation of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? but most consider it a good movie in its own right. So if you’re not going to make a good adaptation, at least try to make a good movie.

Why is this my best? I’m not sure. I just think I nailed it on the head here. Not that World War Z was particularly difficult to find fault in. My only regret is that I could have gone into more detail about what made it fail as a movie, which I think is the greater sin than it simply being a poor adaptation. So what do you think about bad movies and bad adaptations of books?

Guest Post: William Kendall

My vacation starts today! WOOO! And William was nice enough to give me a post so I don't have to do any, you know, work. Enjoy his awesome Sharknado post. He actually knows the actors, which I'm impressed about because I always just thought they were dolls the director danced around in front of the camera. Well, you learn something new every day. Now I'm going to go play video games until my eyes bleed. Later!


Washed Up Has-Beens Killed In Bizarre Incident; Studio Scrambles To Find Solution

Los Angeles (AP) The producers of the Sharknado franchise are in crisis mode after their stars, on a

publicity tour in Great Britain, were killed in a most horrific fashion by what some are calling a freak

of nature, others calling poetic justice. Anthony Ferrante and David Latt met reporters for a press

conference at their ramshackle studio The Asylum. “We must confirm the terrible news from Glasgow,”

Ferrante told reporters. “Ian Ziering and Tara Reid have passed away after injuries sustained in a most

unfortunate incident.”

Unfortunate incident would be an understatement. Ziering and Reid co-starred in the first two SyFy

films about killer sharks caught up in tornadoes in Los Angeles and New York. The films with laughable

special effects and no regard for science seemed to have caught on with audiences, for one of two

reasons. Either they have no personal taste, or they like laughing at horribly cheesy films. The pair of

actors, who credited the two films with reviving stalled careers and giving them enough money to pay

off loan sharks, were in Glasgow doing publicity work for the second film. A third Sharknado, previously

announced as Sharknado: Jumping The Shark had already been announced.

The actors were in King’s Park in the southern stretches of the city, speaking with reporters about the

next film, which early word has said will be set in the United Kingdom. “We wanted the Queen to do a

cameo in the film,” Latt told reporters. “But Buckingham Palace sent back what seemed to be a rather

impolite reply telling us to drop dead. I don’t know why, maybe she’s holding out for a bigger part. I

mean who wouldn’t want to do a Sharknado film?”

Witnesses described what happened next, and the incident was caught on film. Ziering and Reid were

speaking about how grateful they were to have paying work again when a flurry of motion converged

on the pair from all sides, low to the ground, a horde of white rabbits, all of whom seemed unconcerned

with the presence of the media. They were later confirmed to be Killer Rabbits, an occasional pestilence

in the British Isles since the time of King Arthur, according to the resident experts on the subject, Monty

Python alumni Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones. “Nasty blighters,” Jones said. “What no one realized at the

time we made that film was that the decapitations and bloody gore of the Killer Rabbit scene was real.”

“Mind you, a horde of Killer Rabbits exterminating those two actors isn’t such a bad thing, is it?” Gilliam

chimed in.

Ziering and Reid were viciously and sadistically attacked by the Killer Rabbits, which swarmed all over

them both. Ziering’s head was later found in a nearby fountain with a look of stunned surprise on his

face. Within thirty seconds, it was all over. And for some strange reason, the Killer Rabbits never even

harmed the reporters, simply took their leave of the scene.

Prime Minister Cameron addressed the matter from Ten Downing, speaking to reporters. “Look, if

it was someone who mattered, we might be inclined to announce a culling of the Killer Rabbits, but

we’re talking about Steve Sanders, or whatever the hell his real name was, and an actress who went

overboard with plastic surgery. I ask you, will anyone really miss them?”

Latt and Ferrante were beside themselves. “We’re going to have to rewrite the whole third movie,

recast the leads. Unless we can cobble together shots from the earlier film with some green screen and

dub their voices,” Ferrante said. “Do you think that would work?”

Former co-stars of Beverly Hills 90210 were asked for their comment on the matter. Jason Priestley

sighed in frustration when stopped by reporters. “Look, I haven’t spoken to Ian in years, and I really

want to put those days behind me and concentrate on building my career. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I

have to judge a doughnut contest.”

Shannen Doherty, who has spent years blowing up bridges professionally, did comment on the matter,

but her remarks were so filled with obscene language as to be unfit for publication. In this reporter’s

opinion, she needs therapy.

We leave the last word to Brian Austin Greene. “Wow,” the vacant looking former David Silver said upon

hearing the news. “That’s just awful. I don’t know what to say. Except, well... do you think they’d recast

me for the third Sharknado?”

The Second One

I’m pretty sure my mother hates me because she said I had to watch Sharknado 2 with her. I don’t know why she’s so mean.

This movie was the most terrible of all movies, and that’s saying something because I saw the first one. First of all, um, hello? You can’t think of a better name than Sharknado: The Second One? They literally held a contest and that was the one they chose. Let that sink in for a minute. That is how much thought they put into this movie. When given a gigantic pool of names to choose from, they chose the one that represented just how little they cared about it. Anyway! Second, they had to have an increased budget, but apparently it all went towards cameo guest stars (I counted eight) because the sharks still looked made of CGI that would look bad on a Super Nintendo. So we going to do this?

It opens on a plane, where hero-made-of-awesome from the first movie, Finn, (I hate his name and want him to die) is going to New York City with his ex-wife-now-girlfriend Tara Reid. She probably has a name in the movie, but I don’t know what it is. And you know what happens? To this guy who survived the impossible Sharknado but somehow existing from the first one? He looks out the window, where it’s storming outside, and sees a f**king shark. But not before Kelly Osburn appears as a flight attendant to gush all over him for being so damn awesome (seriously, half of this movie is people telling him how great he is).

My mom actually said, “Maybe he’ll look outside and see something on the wing of the plane like William Shatner on that episode of The Twilight Zone.” And no sooner does she say that than that actually happens, although it just crashes into the wing instead of…whatever that gremlin thing was trying to accomplish. Meanwhile, in the flight cabin, the sharks start splattering on the window and one breaks in, isn’t dead somehow, and eats the copilot. And the captain, figuring she’s more important than the plane full of people, tries to save her and he gets killed.

The plane starts falling and even though the cockpit is supposed to be secure, the door flies open and Finn sees there’s no one flying the plane. Because he’s the most heroest hero in all herodom, he makes is way to the front (the plane is still falling!) and takes the wheel. Throttle. Whatever it’s called. Now, entire chunks are being ripped out, but except for the few people who are eaten by the sharks that fall through, not many actually die. Tara Reid of course has to be with Finn, so she crawls to the front and is attacked by a shark. The sky marshal throws her a gun, but the shark just eats her hand. All the while, she keeps screaming this toneless, almost bored “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Aaaaaaaaaaaah.” Even when her hand his eaten she doesn’t do more than raise a decibel.

Anyway, the plane lands and Tara Reid has to go to the hospital to be treated by Doctor Billy Rae Cyrus. But there are other people who have to be saved: Finn’s sister’s family, which includes that guy from Sugar Ray, a girl with stupid hipster glasses, and a boy I assume is supposed to be the quiet, smart type but who really doesn’t do anything in the movie. Mom and hipster girl are off seeing the statue of liberty like some tourists despite being NYC natives, and Sugar Ray and the boy are at a Mets came that’s surprisingly well attended considering that it’s the Mets. Finn calls his sister and tells her the Sharkpocalypse is coming (see how hard that was SyFy? Two frigging seconds that took me!), and she tells him Sugar Ray turned his phone off and has to be rescued from the game with Vivica A. Fox and some guy that gets killed in a few scenes so he doesn’t matter. The game is rained out by sharks and they run to the subway. By the way, tons of product placement here. Every other scene had a big Subway sign somewhere. Once that Jared guy was even there and he went “Eat fresh” for some reason.

They get into a cab driven by the only white, Jewish cab driver in New York (played by Judd Hirsch, because it wasn’t enough for them to wreck what was left of John Heard’s career they had to have his, too). Finn of course wants to throw bombs in the tornados so they all run around and grab weapons and things to make bombs. By the way, Judd Hirsh says there’s no “gun stores” in New York City. Right. Sure.

So they grab their make shift weapons, and meanwhile Matt Lauer and Al Roker are surprisingly chipper as they report that sharks are falling from the sky, and Finn’s sister and hipster girl are running through the city and literally everyone they come in contact with gets eaten by a shark. Or just crushed by the rolling head of the Statue of Liberty. But they get some of those rental bikes and manage to get to the hotel where they planned to meet with the others. Except for poor Judd Hirsch who got eaten by sharks, too.

Meanwhile again, Tara Reid, despite having her hand chewed off, decides to leave the hospital instead of hide in the basement and get doped up on morphine. But she does stop to put on lipstick before she leaves.

Finn and Vivica A. Fox go up to the top floor of that hotel and try slingshotting bombs into the sharknado, which fails, as it should. But it does catch all the sharks on fire so now it’s not just raining sharks (two inches an hour, according to the weather report…I still haven’t figured out WHAT THAT’S SUPPOSED TO MEAN), it’s raining flaming sharks. They start running down the stairs to escape them while the rest of the group is running up the stairs to escape the flood of sharks somehow climbing up them. I…this movie physically hurts me.

Finn of course saves everyone again and Tara Reid rides up in a fire truck. Maybe they mentioned the meet-up spot to her earlier, but I don’t remember it, and anyway, I have no idea how she convinced the fire department to drive her out there.

Next—and I’m not making this up at all—they meet up with the mayor, who literally begs Finn for his help. And after giving everyone a rousing speech, he and Vivica A. Fox go to do some one hundred percent bullsh!t thing that will magically stop the sharknados. Tara Reid, despite having had her hand just ripped off, gets that bland kid to make her a buzz saw arm so she can go after them and save them or whatever. So they do the bullphooey and Vivica A. Fox sacrifices herself to save everyone, not that anyone seems to give a crap, seriously, they don’t even mention her again, and Finn gets launched into the sky where he fights with a chainsaw the mayor gave him. So he’s flying around in the sky and chainsawing sharks and he rides one down and skewers it on the lightning rod on top of the Empire State Building. But he’s not safe yet and he has to climb down and fight more sharks and he reaches inside one and pulls out Tara Reid’s hand, which is still holding a gun.

I mean, frigging hell, that’s even more unlikely than the last movie, when he was swallowed by the same shark that ate that stupid waitress and he chainsawed his way out of it and rescued her. And what does he do but take the ring off the severed hand and propose to Tara Reid, because that’s about as romantic as telling her “I know you wanted to give me a hand, but this was ridiculous” when she was in the hospital. Which he really did. I can see why she divorced him.

This movie…it manages to be more egregious to science and common sense than the last one. But as bad as the last one was, at least it wasn’t constantly talking about how awesome Finn was and he’s the only one who can save everyone. The acting is just as bad, with Finn mistaking screaming for acting and Tara Reid sounding like she’s struggling not to yawn throughout the whole thing. I have to admit, the celebrity cameos were funny, and not so-bad-it’s-good funny, but real funny, and I’m surprised that a production team that doesn’t even manage to choose a decent title put effort into something. Honestly, you can only enjoy this movie if you like awful wrapped in terrible and then sautéed with a thick butter of stupid. Also seasoned with plot holes.

Well, that’s it. The most comprehensive review of Sharknado 2 that you’ll find. On this blog. Enjoy your terrible movie. I suggest bringing alcohol. Lots of alcohol.

The Z is for Zombie

Well, I finally got around to watching World War Z last weekend, so spoilers ahoy if you haven’t seen it yet but still want to. It has already been reviewed by more articulate people than I (who also saw the movie when it actually came out, thus making the reviews actually useful), so I’m not going to go into much depth about it. Suffice to say it was a very standard action film with characters that weren’t realized enough to be compelling and despite being a zombie movie, wasn’t really scary. Honestly, reading the news about its troubled production was way more entertaining than the resulting film.

The real point I want to get into is how it was a very poor adaptation of the book, like adaptation in name only. The book is about societal collapse and eventually, its reconstruction. It’s accepted that the zombie plague can’t be cured, can’t be prevented, and is always fatal. Conventional methods of warfare are ineffective. Ruthless, amoral methods end up being the only way to survive, from cannibalism to using humans as zombie bait.

The movie shows none of that, except maybe the plague being incurable. Zombies are unstoppable excepting headshots, like in the book, but there is never any modification of tactics beyond that “infect yourself with a curable disease and then the zombies won’t want you” thing. Even though I would think that the rotting undead wouldn’t be that picky. Seeing as they’re dead.

But that’s beside the point. The movie is weak. The societal upheaval is replaced with a man searching for clues about the disease so he can reunite with his family. Granted, the original framing of WORLD WAR Z had no main character (except maybe the guy conducting the interviews), but still. They could have come up with something better than the weaksauce every-action-movie-ever plot they had. They didn’t try to make a WORLD WAR Z movie (or they tried and failed…miserably). They made a zombie movie with World War Z as its title.

Finally, I would like to point out that just because this movie of a book was bad doesn’t mean all book-movies are bad, even the ones that are bad adaptations. The original version of Blade Runner is hardly the adaptation of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? but most consider it a good movie in its own right. So if you’re not going to make a good adaptation, at least try to make a good movie.

It’s A Tornado…Of Sharks

Get it?!

I actually watched that stupid movie, mostly because my mother is a mean, sadistic person who forced me. Her excuse was “I can’t watch bad movies alone! I’d have no one to make ironic comments to!”

She used ironic like that, not me.

Anyway, here’s a rough play by play of the movie, filled with the actual observations we made while watching it.

The movie begins on a boat in the middle of, I assume, the Pacific Ocean, with a scene that has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the movie. An unscrupulous Asian business man is making some sort of shady deal with an unscrupulous captain. I have no idea what it’s about because apparently these actors haven’t heard of enunciating, but after a few minutes they start chasing each other around on a boat during a storm because that seems like a good idea. Unscrupulous Asian business man has unscrupulous captain cornered when a shark flies across the screen and takes a bite out of his leg. The storm gets worse and sharks start coming up on deck and eating people even though sharks are fish and would probably be flopping as they suffocated and not focused enough to swallow a guy whole, seriously that happens. Unscrupulous captain is the last to get killed. He just kind of stands around in the storm and, I don’t know, gets eaten piece by piece by sharks whipping by. Or something. I don’t know. It made no sense.

Anyway, the movie really begins after that, with the opening credits. Tara Reid is first because while she’s not the main character, she is the most recognizable name. Then a bunch of people no one’s ever heard of. Then…

Me: Oh, look, John Heard is in this movie.

My mom: He is?

Me: Aw. He used to be an actor. Sad.

My mom: Sad.

Then the movie’s at a beach. It’s California, but there are reports of hurricanes coming despite the fact that water temperatures and wind currents make that impossible. Anyway, there’s a guy on a jet ski hanging around, he’s like Australian or something, and a man and a woman on surfboards. When the woman on the surfboard is attacked, the jet ski guy does nothing. Sits there and watches, I guess. The other man on the surfboard, the actual main character, frantically swims over to rescue her and is way too late. When jet ski guy actually decides to go over, a shark flops up and starts gnawing on his leg.

My mom: Sharks don’t jump out of the water like that. They have to keep it flowing over their gills or they die.

Me: It was your idea to watch this movie.

Back to the movie. There’s a lot of yelling and people running out of the water. Some guy who is standing in water that only comes up to his calf is somehow nabbed by a giant shark. There’s a lot of yelling, blah blah blah. The scene switches to a bar owned by the main character, who is fawned over by his twenty year old waitress and given a generous amount of character shilling by jet ski guy. The main character’s name happens to be “Finn” because I hate the people who made this movie.

The hurricane that should not exist hits and wrecks the bar, and when it floods, a bunch of sharks come spilling in and eating more people and just a bunch of other stuff that makes no sense. The main character (I refuse to call him by name), the waitress (her too), jet ski guy (I think his name was Paz or something equally weird) and John Heard all run out together. The waitress clearly has a thing against sharks and tries to shoot them every chance she gets, although I never see anyone reload the rifle she uses. John Heard grabs a barstool and somehow manages to impale a shark with it.

A shark explodes after it gets shot.

Me: Apparently sharks are explosive.

My mom: Who knew?

The four characters get into a car and the main character insists on picking up his family, although from what we’ve seen of his ex-wife Tara Reid, she’s kind of a bitch. The waitress is all shocked to hear that the main character has an ex and a kid, as though they were best friends instead of him being her boss. As they drive down the street, more streets flood and gigantic sharks are somehow able to swim down them and into the sewers. They stop in the middle of an unflooded street, but somehow the people ahead and behind them are attacked by sharks.

Me: How is that happening? How is that happening? There’s no water, but then there is water, it shouldn’t be deep enough for sharks…ow…ow.

My mom: What’s wrong?

Me: Brain…hurts…makes no sense…

John Heard and the rest of his career are eaten by a shark and the rest of the characters finally get back in the car and start moving again. They make it to Tara Reid’s house and she and the daughter she has with the main characters are total assholes. Tara Reid’s boyfriend comes in and flips out at the main character for his audacity of wanting to check on his kid. Before they can be thrown out, sharks start raining down on the house. It floods just enough so the sharks can come in and eat the boyfriend, but good news! The car is still dry so they can all escape. And then the house explodes with water.

Apparently, the daughter isn’t an only child. There’s a son, too, but he’s off at flight school in another part of Hollywood (where they live) and now they have to rescue him. They all get in the car and start driving away when they notice a clearly empty bus in the middle of a flooded street. The main character insists they stop to check to make sure no one’s in there and suddenly the bus is full of kids. They park on a bridge above the bus and rappel down and pull up the kids one by one, and then the bus driver. Once the kids are safe, the storm starts up again and knocks over the Hollywood sign which kills the bus driver, but none of the kids because they’re kids. The main characters then leave and the kids leave in a single ambulance that is in no way big enough for all of them. As the main characters are driving, more sharks start raining down and they all scream like big babies.

Me: Oh, come on. They’re outside the car. It’s not like the sharks can chew through the roof and get to them.

And then I’m stunned into silence as exactly that happens. Seriously, it was uncanny.

The car is now ruined, but they manage to find a store that is for some reason open during a hurricane. Then jet ski guy actually does something: he goes and steals a Humvee from a movie memorabilia lot because looting rules apply. They rush a police block for some reason and even though it’s a freaking Humvee and should in no way be able to out maneuver a half dozen police cars, they escape and finally manage to reach the flight school.

The son is there and still alive, although seconds after the main characters arrive his teacher is sucked into the sky. Now tornados are approaching and they have somehow alive sharks spinning around with them. They have to do something to get rid of the tornados because…they’ll destroy the city? I don’t know. I’m not clear on that. California can withstand earthquakes. Anyway, to stop the tornados, they decide to use the bombs the flight school has for some reason. The son’s six weeks of training means he can easily fly the helicopter into the storm, and in a blatant crime against physics, dropping bombs will dissipate the tornados. It’s at this point the waitress and the son are left alone together and she clearly stops crushing on her boss in order to crush on him. She also reveals why she hates sharks so much with a story that’s basically a retelling of Quint’s story from Jaws, but without the WWII angle. Or the good acting.

Waitress and son go up in a helicopter to drop the bombs into the tornados and the others grab chainsaws to use on the sharks. A bunch of people get eaten, including jet ski guy, but the main character manages to cut a shark right in half like he’s freaking Odin or something. Meanwhile, up in the skies, they only manage to destroy two of the three approaching tornados. Waitress falls out of the helicopter because she hasn’t heard of seat belts and she is immediately swallowed whole by a shark flying around up there instead of dying. Then the main character does some real fierce expressions (acting as hard as he can!) and drives the Humvee, rigged with more bombs, into the storm. Now the sharks are all falling from the sky and not splattering on the ground like they should but eating people. They then run over to a nursing home unsubtly pointed out earlier and save a bunch of old people. The main character pours gasoline in a pool and lights it on fire. Then it explodes.

Me: Come on! That’s not how chemistry works!

One final shark comes swooping down even though it should be dead from being out of the water and he runs at it with a chainsaw. Then it swallows him whole. And dies. And he cuts his way out of it. Then he reaches back in and pulls out waitress.

My mom: It’s the same shark?

Me: And she’s alive, so being swallowed by the shark didn’t kill her.

My mom: Look how big it is. And they were both in there, swallowed whole. The shark must be hollow inside.

Me: Yep. Plus he managed to chainsaw his way out of it.

My mom: Ow…brain…hurts…