The Second One

I’m pretty sure my mother hates me because she said I had to watch Sharknado 2 with her. I don’t know why she’s so mean.

This movie was the most terrible of all movies, and that’s saying something because I saw the first one. First of all, um, hello? You can’t think of a better name than Sharknado: The Second One? They literally held a contest and that was the one they chose. Let that sink in for a minute. That is how much thought they put into this movie. When given a gigantic pool of names to choose from, they chose the one that represented just how little they cared about it. Anyway! Second, they had to have an increased budget, but apparently it all went towards cameo guest stars (I counted eight) because the sharks still looked made of CGI that would look bad on a Super Nintendo. So we going to do this?

It opens on a plane, where hero-made-of-awesome from the first movie, Finn, (I hate his name and want him to die) is going to New York City with his ex-wife-now-girlfriend Tara Reid. She probably has a name in the movie, but I don’t know what it is. And you know what happens? To this guy who survived the impossible Sharknado but somehow existing from the first one? He looks out the window, where it’s storming outside, and sees a f**king shark. But not before Kelly Osburn appears as a flight attendant to gush all over him for being so damn awesome (seriously, half of this movie is people telling him how great he is).

My mom actually said, “Maybe he’ll look outside and see something on the wing of the plane like William Shatner on that episode of The Twilight Zone.” And no sooner does she say that than that actually happens, although it just crashes into the wing instead of…whatever that gremlin thing was trying to accomplish. Meanwhile, in the flight cabin, the sharks start splattering on the window and one breaks in, isn’t dead somehow, and eats the copilot. And the captain, figuring she’s more important than the plane full of people, tries to save her and he gets killed.

The plane starts falling and even though the cockpit is supposed to be secure, the door flies open and Finn sees there’s no one flying the plane. Because he’s the most heroest hero in all herodom, he makes is way to the front (the plane is still falling!) and takes the wheel. Throttle. Whatever it’s called. Now, entire chunks are being ripped out, but except for the few people who are eaten by the sharks that fall through, not many actually die. Tara Reid of course has to be with Finn, so she crawls to the front and is attacked by a shark. The sky marshal throws her a gun, but the shark just eats her hand. All the while, she keeps screaming this toneless, almost bored “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Aaaaaaaaaaaah.” Even when her hand his eaten she doesn’t do more than raise a decibel.

Anyway, the plane lands and Tara Reid has to go to the hospital to be treated by Doctor Billy Rae Cyrus. But there are other people who have to be saved: Finn’s sister’s family, which includes that guy from Sugar Ray, a girl with stupid hipster glasses, and a boy I assume is supposed to be the quiet, smart type but who really doesn’t do anything in the movie. Mom and hipster girl are off seeing the statue of liberty like some tourists despite being NYC natives, and Sugar Ray and the boy are at a Mets came that’s surprisingly well attended considering that it’s the Mets. Finn calls his sister and tells her the Sharkpocalypse is coming (see how hard that was SyFy? Two frigging seconds that took me!), and she tells him Sugar Ray turned his phone off and has to be rescued from the game with Vivica A. Fox and some guy that gets killed in a few scenes so he doesn’t matter. The game is rained out by sharks and they run to the subway. By the way, tons of product placement here. Every other scene had a big Subway sign somewhere. Once that Jared guy was even there and he went “Eat fresh” for some reason.

They get into a cab driven by the only white, Jewish cab driver in New York (played by Judd Hirsch, because it wasn’t enough for them to wreck what was left of John Heard’s career they had to have his, too). Finn of course wants to throw bombs in the tornados so they all run around and grab weapons and things to make bombs. By the way, Judd Hirsh says there’s no “gun stores” in New York City. Right. Sure.

So they grab their make shift weapons, and meanwhile Matt Lauer and Al Roker are surprisingly chipper as they report that sharks are falling from the sky, and Finn’s sister and hipster girl are running through the city and literally everyone they come in contact with gets eaten by a shark. Or just crushed by the rolling head of the Statue of Liberty. But they get some of those rental bikes and manage to get to the hotel where they planned to meet with the others. Except for poor Judd Hirsch who got eaten by sharks, too.

Meanwhile again, Tara Reid, despite having her hand chewed off, decides to leave the hospital instead of hide in the basement and get doped up on morphine. But she does stop to put on lipstick before she leaves.

Finn and Vivica A. Fox go up to the top floor of that hotel and try slingshotting bombs into the sharknado, which fails, as it should. But it does catch all the sharks on fire so now it’s not just raining sharks (two inches an hour, according to the weather report…I still haven’t figured out WHAT THAT’S SUPPOSED TO MEAN), it’s raining flaming sharks. They start running down the stairs to escape them while the rest of the group is running up the stairs to escape the flood of sharks somehow climbing up them. I…this movie physically hurts me.

Finn of course saves everyone again and Tara Reid rides up in a fire truck. Maybe they mentioned the meet-up spot to her earlier, but I don’t remember it, and anyway, I have no idea how she convinced the fire department to drive her out there.

Next—and I’m not making this up at all—they meet up with the mayor, who literally begs Finn for his help. And after giving everyone a rousing speech, he and Vivica A. Fox go to do some one hundred percent bullsh!t thing that will magically stop the sharknados. Tara Reid, despite having had her hand just ripped off, gets that bland kid to make her a buzz saw arm so she can go after them and save them or whatever. So they do the bullphooey and Vivica A. Fox sacrifices herself to save everyone, not that anyone seems to give a crap, seriously, they don’t even mention her again, and Finn gets launched into the sky where he fights with a chainsaw the mayor gave him. So he’s flying around in the sky and chainsawing sharks and he rides one down and skewers it on the lightning rod on top of the Empire State Building. But he’s not safe yet and he has to climb down and fight more sharks and he reaches inside one and pulls out Tara Reid’s hand, which is still holding a gun.

I mean, frigging hell, that’s even more unlikely than the last movie, when he was swallowed by the same shark that ate that stupid waitress and he chainsawed his way out of it and rescued her. And what does he do but take the ring off the severed hand and propose to Tara Reid, because that’s about as romantic as telling her “I know you wanted to give me a hand, but this was ridiculous” when she was in the hospital. Which he really did. I can see why she divorced him.

This movie…it manages to be more egregious to science and common sense than the last one. But as bad as the last one was, at least it wasn’t constantly talking about how awesome Finn was and he’s the only one who can save everyone. The acting is just as bad, with Finn mistaking screaming for acting and Tara Reid sounding like she’s struggling not to yawn throughout the whole thing. I have to admit, the celebrity cameos were funny, and not so-bad-it’s-good funny, but real funny, and I’m surprised that a production team that doesn’t even manage to choose a decent title put effort into something. Honestly, you can only enjoy this movie if you like awful wrapped in terrible and then sautéed with a thick butter of stupid. Also seasoned with plot holes.

Well, that’s it. The most comprehensive review of Sharknado 2 that you’ll find. On this blog. Enjoy your terrible movie. I suggest bringing alcohol. Lots of alcohol.