Saturday, August 23, 2014

Guest Post: William Kendall

My vacation starts today! WOOO! And William was nice enough to give me a post so I don't have to do any, you know, work. Enjoy his awesome Sharknado post. He actually knows the actors, which I'm impressed about because I always just thought they were dolls the director danced around in front of the camera. Well, you learn something new every day. Now I'm going to go play video games until my eyes bleed. Later!

Washed Up Has-Beens Killed In Bizarre Incident; Studio Scrambles To Find Solution

Los Angeles (AP) The producers of the Sharknado franchise are in crisis mode after their stars, on a

publicity tour in Great Britain, were killed in a most horrific fashion by what some are calling a freak

of nature, others calling poetic justice. Anthony Ferrante and David Latt met reporters for a press

conference at their ramshackle studio The Asylum. “We must confirm the terrible news from Glasgow,”

Ferrante told reporters. “Ian Ziering and Tara Reid have passed away after injuries sustained in a most

unfortunate incident.”

Unfortunate incident would be an understatement. Ziering and Reid co-starred in the first two SyFy

films about killer sharks caught up in tornadoes in Los Angeles and New York. The films with laughable

special effects and no regard for science seemed to have caught on with audiences, for one of two

reasons. Either they have no personal taste, or they like laughing at horribly cheesy films. The pair of

actors, who credited the two films with reviving stalled careers and giving them enough money to pay

off loan sharks, were in Glasgow doing publicity work for the second film. A third Sharknado, previously

announced as Sharknado: Jumping The Shark had already been announced.

The actors were in King’s Park in the southern stretches of the city, speaking with reporters about the

next film, which early word has said will be set in the United Kingdom. “We wanted the Queen to do a

cameo in the film,” Latt told reporters. “But Buckingham Palace sent back what seemed to be a rather

impolite reply telling us to drop dead. I don’t know why, maybe she’s holding out for a bigger part. I

mean who wouldn’t want to do a Sharknado film?”

Witnesses described what happened next, and the incident was caught on film. Ziering and Reid were

speaking about how grateful they were to have paying work again when a flurry of motion converged

on the pair from all sides, low to the ground, a horde of white rabbits, all of whom seemed unconcerned

with the presence of the media. They were later confirmed to be Killer Rabbits, an occasional pestilence

in the British Isles since the time of King Arthur, according to the resident experts on the subject, Monty

Python alumni Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones. “Nasty blighters,” Jones said. “What no one realized at the

time we made that film was that the decapitations and bloody gore of the Killer Rabbit scene was real.”

“Mind you, a horde of Killer Rabbits exterminating those two actors isn’t such a bad thing, is it?” Gilliam

chimed in.

Ziering and Reid were viciously and sadistically attacked by the Killer Rabbits, which swarmed all over

them both. Ziering’s head was later found in a nearby fountain with a look of stunned surprise on his

face. Within thirty seconds, it was all over. And for some strange reason, the Killer Rabbits never even

harmed the reporters, simply took their leave of the scene.

Prime Minister Cameron addressed the matter from Ten Downing, speaking to reporters. “Look, if

it was someone who mattered, we might be inclined to announce a culling of the Killer Rabbits, but

we’re talking about Steve Sanders, or whatever the hell his real name was, and an actress who went

overboard with plastic surgery. I ask you, will anyone really miss them?”

Latt and Ferrante were beside themselves. “We’re going to have to rewrite the whole third movie,

recast the leads. Unless we can cobble together shots from the earlier film with some green screen and

dub their voices,” Ferrante said. “Do you think that would work?”

Former co-stars of Beverly Hills 90210 were asked for their comment on the matter. Jason Priestley

sighed in frustration when stopped by reporters. “Look, I haven’t spoken to Ian in years, and I really

want to put those days behind me and concentrate on building my career. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I

have to judge a doughnut contest.”

Shannen Doherty, who has spent years blowing up bridges professionally, did comment on the matter,

but her remarks were so filled with obscene language as to be unfit for publication. In this reporter’s

opinion, she needs therapy.

We leave the last word to Brian Austin Greene. “Wow,” the vacant looking former David Silver said upon

hearing the news. “That’s just awful. I don’t know what to say. Except, well... do you think they’d recast

me for the third Sharknado?”


  1. Funny! Those rabbits had huge teeth as well. I wonder if we'll have Rabbitnado nest?

  2. Thanks, Alex! Thanks for posting, J.E.! Have a good vacation!

  3. Ah yes, poetic justice for the Sharknado pair! Well done, Irony.

  4. Killer rabbits...don't give Syfy any ideas!

    Sharknado 3: Jumping the Shark is a perfect title. They should use it!

  5. Killer Rabbits in the Sharknado... That has some definite possibilities.


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