On Civility

Lately, there’s been a lot of talk about bullying in schools, something I experienced, well, a lot. From fourth to eighth grades I was a verbal punching bag for about ten percent of the students and even a few teachers, while the other ninety percent did pretty much nothing no matter how many times I went to the guidance counselors and principals. Seriously, it was to the point that the one time someone stood up for me I was stunned into silence because holy crap, someone with confidence was telling a jerk to shut up and he listened.

But it some ways, I got off easy. Back then (waaaaay long ago, in the nineties) the internet was only partially integrated into our lives. No Facebook, no Myspace, no pages made to make fun of me. And for that I am insanely grateful. I mean, online anonymity is possibly the worst invention for the oversensitive. Have you ever read the comments at the bottom of a news story? That. All the bullies have been given the freedom to behave their worst on a wide scale. How’s that for a Halloween scary story?

So it follows that school bullies plus internet equals bad news. There’s no escape at home anymore, no respite from the pain. Twenty-four seven the immature dillholes who have it out for you can shit on your reputation and remind you that you’re worthless.

I know none of you reading my blog act like this, but I had to get it off my chest. I just wish everyone would be nicer. Not just kids. Everyone. Who do you think they learn from? Adults, who I’ve seen yell at servers for making a sandwich wrong and make fun of those who screw up while playing a baseball game. Bullying behavior should never be tolerated, online or in life. Derisive comments should be deleted—not criticisms but actual harassing, degrading, debasing words. People insulting or bullying others should be told in no uncertain terms to shut up.

Freedom of speech doesn’t mean freedom from consequences.

Okay, I’ll shut up now. What are your thoughts about online bullying? What do you think should be done about it?

One of Them

I’m glad they passed those cyber bullying laws. It was horrible to be teased and tormented every day in school. I can’t imagine having to deal with that at home on my computer, too. In middle school, online was the one place I wasn’t miserable. But now the internet can no longer be used as a bully-by-proxy.

Unless you are an atheist.

Basic summary: Jessica Ahlquist is an atheist, she felt it was inappropriate for a banner to be up in her public school invoking a divine spirit, the court agreed with her. And online, people have been condemning her to hell, calling her evil and saying she should be killed.

Sigh.

I don’t know whether Ms. Ahlquist was right or wrong in the banner, but I know it’s definitely wrong for people to be threatening her online. Go and read some of the posts about her. An atheist holocaust? Attacking the girl in class or curb stomping her? Posting her home address? God’s “coming for her” for wanting the banner removed?

Not. F*cking. Okay.

The reason we have laws is so we don’t end up using the wrong person’s judgment. Because to someone out there, we’re always going to be “one of them.”

The Bully Wars, Part II

I didn't mean for there to be another part, but bullying is a sensitive topic for me.

I don’t know how many of you have heard, but a 16-year-old named Casey Heynes from Australia has become an internet sensation after video surfaced of a smaller, younger kid, apparently bullying him. The kid was hitting him and Casey hit back, picking up the 12-year-old and body slamming him. The boy wasn’t seriously hurt and Casey was suspended.

Support gathered around Casey, congratulating him for standing up and understanding that he snapped after years of being bullied. This raises the serious question of whether violence is ever appropriate. No, we don’t want to ever encourage violence or outbursts, but I don’t think it was fair that he was suspended. When you’re bullied, you feel powerless and that often begets anger, which is then suppressed because you’re in a situation where telling a teacher might be just as bad as letting the bullying continue.

For one who is bullied, there is no way to fight back. Words give the bully attention, which leads to more bullying. Ignoring it may cause it to go away, but it does nothing to erase feeling like utter sh*t. And it’s just as likely that they’ll continue because they see it upsets you (there’s nothing you can do about that, either) and they know eventually, you will react. Which, again, leads to more bullying.

This is the life of a bullied child. I know because I remember it happening to me.

Go to a teacher? It might shut the bully up for that class, but what about the next? What about after school? Especially now, when the internet gives bullies twenty-four hour access to victims?

Go to a parent? Another iffy situation. Some parents want you to “tough it out.” Some go to the school, which will get you labeled as a snitch and a baby.

It’s not easy. So I understand why this kid snapped, and I hate that he was suspended. When a bullied kid loses control, it is rarely violent, but it often results in negative consequences. I was yelled at dozens of times by teachers because I yelled at kids bullying me. Once, I was given a detention because a teacher was sick of hearing me say “Stop it.” Another time, I pushed a girl for calling me a bitch and was given detention for that, too.

From what I’ve read, Casey Heynes is not a troublemaker and he’s not a normally violent person. He didn’t know how to stand up for himself and just lost it after what classmates agree was years of being bullied.

It isn’t fair that he’s being punished because of it.

Later, the bully was interviewed and he claimed Casey was making up the stories about being bullied and was himself a bully.

Which I don’t believe for a second. Because this is the exact same line a bully used when I complained about her behavior.

Back in middle school, one particular girl (who I’ll call “Jamie” just to make things easier) really had it out for me. Name calling, rumors, saying bad things about me behind my back—actually behind my back. I was in the seat in front of her and she knew I could hear what she was saying. She did it all. Except for physical violence, the one thing that would really get her in trouble.

One day, we were both sent to the guidance counselor. I explained how much Jamie was bullying me and the counselor turned to her to ask if it was true.

She burst into tears. She was scared of me, she said. “She said she has an enemies list and I’m really scared now. I’m afraid to come into school every day because she might shoot me.”

None of this was remotely true. She took it from something I said years before, when someone told me a girl said something nasty about me. I was frustrated and said something like, “it isn’t fair that there’s nothing I can do except list her under people who don’t like me.” And then it got yanked around to what Jamie was crying about to the guidance counselor.

I was dismissed. Jamie stayed because she really had to talk about all the bad things in her life.

The point is, when confronted with their behavior, bullies take the specter of truth and twist it in any way they can to make themselves the victims. No matter who was violent that day, no matter how much this kid cries, he was the bully. Not Casey.

Words Do Hurt

A thoughtful piece for Sunday.

As someone who was bullied growing up, there are a few things I’ve learned about it (there is no expert like one who’s experienced it herself). No, I’m not experienced in psychology—Psych 101 is the closest I’ve come to it—but there are things I’ve come to know as true about being bullied.

First of all, all those platitudes are bull. I mean the ones the teacher/guidance counselor fills your head with after pulling you out of the middle of class. They include such gems as: “Ignore them and they’ll go away,” “They’re only doing it because you’re reacting,” “If you tried reaching out to them, I bet they’d stop,” and my all-time favorite “Words won’t hurt you.”

Um, no. They do hurt. And no, I can’t change how I feel about them, only how I react. But it’s no fair telling an emotional eleven year old to ignore the people yelling names at her. If you really want to stop bullying, you don’t do it by talking to the victim. They’ve done nothing wrong! Confronting them about it (okay, confronting me about it) only makes them feel like they have. And if they don’t like being called names or pushed around, it’s no fair telling them to feel differently.

The second thing I’ve learned about being bullied is: all those kids’ shows where the main character stands up to a bully and suddenly, everything is okay? Also bull. I remember a show where a character tells her bully that she only does it “to feel good about herself” and that she’s the loser. And everyone in the freaking school hears what the MC is saying and stands behind her, including the bully’s friends.

Tried that. Blew up in my face. Because the bully still knew how to push my buttons and still did it with gusto. I didn’t make her suddenly realize the error of her ways. Nor did the people around rally behind me. They just joined in on the taunts.

The absolute worst thing about bullying is that the victim has no power. He or she can’t get the bully to stop, and they can’t stop feeling like crap when someone yells a name at them.

A victim can’t change a bully. The only people who can change a bully are those not involved—the people who aren’t powerless.

Please remember.

Names

This one is a hard one to write. But maybe I should. There has been a lot of talk in the newspapers lately about bullying and the devastating consequences to what some call "teasing." But it isn't teasing. It isn't fun. And just because you can take a joke about your hair or your acne or whatever, doesn't mean everyone can.

I was teased a little in elementary school, up to about third grade. It wasn't bad. Honest. I didn't realize at the time that my parents were worried about my emotional maturity which, I admit, was behind my peers. I was sensitive, emotional. I just never thought there was anything wrong with me.

Fourth grade wasn't good. One girl, who I'll call Leigh, said she was my friend, but often made comments about my fat legs or anything else she found wrong with me. And when people teased me on the bus, she was happy to join in. Then she would turn around and be nice to me.

The bus was the main problem. It was full of fourth and fifth graders, not that far apart in age, and all just as nasty. I used to where brightly colored cotton pants in purple, green and blue. I loved them and hated jeans, which were pretty big at the time among my peers. And because I wore them, people teased me about them. Or my backpack. Everyone had LL Bean back then with their initials. My mom said we couldn't afford it. So she used a marker to write my initials on my non-LL Bean bag. And you can imagine what problems that caused. Did teachers help? Hah. My fourth grade teacher "Mrs. Jones," was the worst of them. She gave me detention because I told boys who were teasing me to "Stop it" too many times. Seriously.

But that was nothing compared to fifth grade, where I had the misfortune of being in the same class as a girl I'll call Andy. The second worst misfortune in my life is that I met her. Just thinking about her makes me want to cry. See, Andy said she was my friend. Then she and two others (one of whom I thought I was good friends with) would run about thirty feet away from me and giggle behind their hands. When I approached, they would run off again.

After a few months of teasing, she would give up for a while and play nice. And I was stupid enough to forgive her and try to be friends. But the teasing always started up again. I came home in tears almost every day, either from her or the people on the bus. My mom had to pull me off. Recess was hell because everyone I made friends with eventually ditched me.

Sixth grade was the absolute worst year. Not just because of school, but with the shit I was dealing with at home, the bullying made things a lot worse. There was absolutely no respite from hell for the year.

Almost every day at lunch, I sat alone. I stopped buying hot lunch because there were never any tables by the time I got out of line and no one would let me sit with them (some girls said their friend "Hillary" was coming to sit with them, despite the fact there wasn't a Hillary in the entire school; lesson learned). Andy took advantage of my solitude, a few times shouting things out at me. Teachers? They didn't care. One of them, in fact, was himself a bully who enjoyed singling me out for ridicule.

I wish I had one person to call friend during those years. There were a few people I liked, but they were all in different classes. The most time I ever spent with them was during lunch (seventh and eighth grades, that is) and gym. I often prayed at night to go back in time so I could pick a different set of classes to go in. Or for someone to just kill them dead.

Yes, I said it. It's how I felt. Now? I'm still not too generous. I hate them. I will always hate them. To this day I have trouble believing I can do anything because for almost six years, people only told me I was nothing. Have you seen the title of this post? They called me names, yelled things at me. They wouldn't even call me by my name. They took away my identity along with my confidence.

If I was able to talk to my past self, I'm not quite sure what I would say. Maybe that they--the one's who teased me and the teachers who yelled at me for yelling at them to stop--were wrong, not me. But I can't do that. There is no past, just memory. The only thing I can do is try to help someone in the present.

Parents. If you're kid is being bullied, please never ever tell them to "get over it" or "just ignore it." Yes, not reacting usually makes it go away. But not everyone can not react. I know it seems like if you can do it, they should be able to do it, but that's not how people are hardwired. Some people are afraid of water, some people can't not yell if someone calls them a name.

Instead, tell them the bullies are the bad ones. They are wrong. Your child is sensitive and that isn't a bad thing. Talk to the principal, teachers and school counselors and if they aren't open to helping your child, go above their heads. To the superintendent, the PTA, the school council, whoever, and tell them the district obviously needs to revise their policies because what they're having isn't working. Most importantly, tell them you love them and think they're important. You can't make friends for them, but you can encourage them to do what they can.

And if you're not a parent of a bullied child, you can still do something. Encourage your kids to be nice to the "losers," even if it will make them less cool. If you're a teacher, please don't punish a kid for crying in class or yelling out. Yes, they need more self control, but they're frigging kids and not everyone can be as stoic as you. Cut them a break. I could have used a few more teachers who didn't give me detention for pushing a bully away. Also? Those "peer meetings?" They do absolutely nothing. When Andy and I were sent to the guidance counselor, Andy burst into tears, saying I "threatened to come to school and shoot everyone." In fact, I made a joke once saying I didn't have an enemies list. I'm not sure how she derived one from the other except for the fact that she was a jerk. Bullies are manipulative and really don't care for the rules adults give them since no one who teased me ever received as much as a detention. Since it wasn't physical contact, teachers didn't give a rats ass. Sorry. I digress.

Kids don't deserve to be teased anymore than they deserved to be beaten up. Psychological damage is just as painful. Trust me. And if you don't believe me, just open a newspaper.