Please Use Tissue

I’ve been trying to figure out how I’m supposed to do it for three years and I’m no closer to a solution.

It is a mystery for the ages. How do you use tissue to open the door… when the tissue is located behind the door???

Shopping

More tales of me making the mistake to go shopping in a store instead of online.

Ninety percent of the time, I’m completely ignored. The other ten percent…

Seriously, I said I didn’t need help three times and he still wouldn’t go away. He was hovering over me like I was trying to steal something. You know what, annoying salespeople? Sometimes people are just oddly proportioned and don’t need to be stared at while they find something that fits!

Berserk Button

Everyone has a berserk button. This just happens to be mine.

Okay, one of mine.

They had it coming.

Prices

Geez. You try to help some people out and they threaten to call the police because you’re “creating a disturbance”.

Shopping

I’m really not a fan of shopping. I especially hate it when I’m looking at stuff and every three seconds a clerk is asking me if I need any help finding things, no I’m just browsing you can go away now.

Here is my experience in shopping for televisions, in a mix of comic and script form.

Salesman: I see you’re looking at televisions.

Me: Uh, wow, don’t know where you came from. Yes, I’ve been looking at Smart TVs.

Salesman: Then come with me!

And he took me away from the televisions, which was the first warning sign that he was not going to help me pick out a new TV. Shortly followed by the second.

Salesman: You have cable or dish?

Me: Uh, cable. What does that have to do with—

Salesman: How much do you pay a month?

Me: About a hundred and twenty—

Salesman: If you sign up for dish today, I can get you in for ninety six dollars.

Me: But I don’t want—

Salesman: That’s twenty four dollars less.

Me: I can do math, but—

Salesman: With HD. You can’t get a clearer picture without dish.

Me: I really don’t care about—

Salesman:  Dish is awesome. You can’t live without dish. Dish will grant all your wishes and let you live forever. Cable sucks. It doesn’t give you HD with a clear enough picture.

Me: My phone and internet is bundled with the cable and if I give it up the price—

Salesman: Dish is the answer to all of life’s problems. Need money, and dish will give it to you, along with being able to see the individual pores of every actor on television. Everyone wants to see that.

Me: From that pamphlet you gave me, I get way less channels unless I’m willing to pay more—

Salesman: But they’re all in HD. You know, every store uses dish because dish is so great. They wouldn’t use dish if it wasn’t great.

Me: Yeah, and they only play one channel. That’s a shining recommendation.

I couldn’t have been more clear about my disinterest if I hired a marching band to play “I don’t want Dish” while spelling out “Seriously, no dish”.

Salesman: So would you sign here and we can set up your installation?

Me: I don’t. Want. Dish. I’m leaving now.

Salesman: But if you go, there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to get you the same deal!

Me: You mean the deal for the dish I don’t want with less channels and an increase in my internet bill?

Salesman: Yes.

Me: That’s a shame.