From the Spamfiles

Spam is a constant in internet life. You can’t even tweet certain words without getting messaged with a million shady links. Although in my opinion, the stuff in my email spam folder is much more hilarious, as you can see from the following list of actual things spammers have tried.

Warning: sarcasm rises to dangerous levels towards the end.

“Your account has been suspended.”

This one can come from anywhere. Banks (including ones I don’t have an account in), Facebook, PayPal (nope, no account there either), you name it. The links always seem legit, but they only go to dummy sites that probably download viruses onto your computer if you even look at them.

“you aren’t going to beleive this but Im stuck in Spain and i need 1500 euros and i hate to ask but could you send it to me?”

Supposedly from a fellow writer who I knew, from her blog posts, wasn’t in Europe. The entire feeling of the letter was that it was written by someone who didn’t know English very well. Come on. If you’re going to try to con me, at least put some effort into it.

“OMG great Facebook post.”

A, I don’t have a Facebook page (although I’ve also gotten this for supposed tweets). B, it’s always from “Australia.com.” While I do know people from Australia via the internet, somehow I doubt everyone in the country has an email at the same domain.

“I would like you to become my guardian and have access to all my millions. All I ask…”

Wow. A deposed princess who is in danger of being killed by her greedy uncle. Can you say “cliché”? That story wouldn’t fly for an agent and it’s not going to fly for me.

“You have won the British Lotery!”

I get this one a lot. And yes, I meant to spell lottery that way because that’s usually how I get it. And to think, I didn’t even know I was entered! And all I have to do is send you money for taxes? That makes perfect sense!

“Dear most trusted friend…”

Someone calls me friend just has to be trustworthy. You don’t throw that word around. Sigh…come on spammers. Give my intelligence some credit. Oh well. I suppose it’s good that they’re easy to spot.

Do you have any funny spam stories to share? Or do you not find them as ridiculously hilarious as I do?

How Much Is Too Much II: Everyone Is A Potential Stalker

Alternate title: A Paranoid’s Guide to the Internet.

Yesterday I wrote about the influence of each word we type. Today is a similar topic, but more along the lines of being safe online.

We all hear horror stories of the internet. Someone’s credit card numbers were hijacked. Another lost all her data to a bad virus. Yet another actually believed a Nigerian prince wanted his help. And there are new scams all the time.

There are also those who might follow you, scrounging up every piece of information you have to find where you’re vulnerable. A tweet that you’re heading out to a family reunion may seem harmless, but it’s also a big, neon sign saying, “My house is empty! Burglarize it!”

You might go, “Well, it’s not like anyone actually knows where I live.” Except, you know, if they Google you, maybe see what state you live in on your LinkedIn profile, then what town you live in by your blog post on how the governor made a speech at the local high school and you got a picture with him. Then it’s just a matter of looking you up on the online yellow pages or, if you don’t have a land line, maybe they caught your house number on your Facebook page and can look it up from there. You might think that no one will go through all that trouble…but they do. All the time.

If you click that “add your location?” button that seems to be on every social network site, just roll out the red carpet.

This all might be a little paranoid. Perhaps so. I just wish I didn’t read about these things happening to people.

Every word we type can resonate in our lives.

Please Send One Dollar…

In the seventh episode of the eighth season of The Simpsons (“Lisa’s Date with Density”), Homer finds an auto-dialer and sends messages to his neighbors telling them they can have eternal happiness if they send him one dollar.

Even better, after he gets caught, he sends out a new message apologizing and telling them to send a dollar if they forgive him.

You’d think silly scams like this are only fodder for comedy shows, but they’re not. They’re everywhere around us and it doesn’t take a Springfieldian to fall for one. Scams out there that we might laugh at (the Nigerian prince, the promise for dsc0unt V1agra) are just waiting for you to slip up and click the link because for whatever reason, you believe what it says. They used to do this via snail mail, too. They were called chain letters back then.

You can’t be on guard all the time and you can’t be aware of all the scams that you’ll laugh at later but right now, might seem legitimate. The only way to be prepared is to recognize the signs of suspicion that indicate something is amiss. Before you open that email or click on that tweeted link for WRITER’S WANTED, watch out for these signs:

1. You don’t recognize the sender. A friend may have changed his/her email address, but that shouldn’t be the first thing you jump to, especially if the address just seems to be a random assortment of letters and numbers.

2. The subject line is Hi or Hello, or says it’s a forward or reply. Yes, I’ve gotten replies to emails I never sent. Combined with number one above means it’s a match for your spam folder. I suggest whenever you send an email, don’t use a generic greeting in the subject line. Do anything more specific, because Hi should be in your spam filter.

3. The tweeter doesn’t have a picture. If that big egg is up there, be cautious, especially if they have no blurb underneath. They might be new, so check their profiles to make sure they aren’t only tweeting links. I’m not on Facebook so I can’t get into specifics, but I think the principle is the same: if there’s nothing that makes them seem real, they probably aren’t.

4. Be wary of clicking on links, especially shortened ones. The short links are nice for getting your point out more briefly, but can’t be verified by a mouseover or simple check of the source. I link quite a bit, so I try to explain what it is I’m linking to. Never click an unexplained link and avoid those of people you don’t know.

5. Never click a link in an email, even if you’re sure it’s legit. There are a lot of websites out there with the sole purpose of mimicking a more famous website. If Someone@FaceBook.reply.net emails you saying your account has been hacked, please click on this link to visit it, don’t do it. Go to Facebook and check your account on the website. The only exception to this rule is if you’ve just signed up for a website or had to ask for a new password because you forgot yours. In those cases, they usually send an email out to confirm that the person at your email address is really you. Lucky for us, most of those addresses are NoReply@twitter.com, so there’s a lot less of a chance of hacking.

6. Your spyware/antivirus software popped up saying your computer is infected but it can’t erase the infection. This in itself is an infection. It happened to me once; Windows Defender kept popping up saying I had a virus but there was something wrong with my Key Code and I needed to reenter it. Something about the window that popped up looked wrong, not quite Windows-y, and then it asked me for a credit card to renew my prescription. That’s when I knew it wasn’t right. But every time I clicked exit, it just popped up again a few minutes later. My computer was infected with a bad virus that was blocking my antivirus software. I needed to use System Restore to go back a few days in my computer’s memory. If this ever happens to you, don’t assume it’s okay. Your security software sends emails when you need to renew and you go to their website, not some strange box on your desktop.

7. If someone on Twitter or Facebook or any social networking site asks you for money, don’t do it. There are a lot of scams going around where someone claims to be an old friend of yours (hey, people share this information online and it’s not that hard to find), chats you up for a few weeks, then emails you with an emergency saying they’re trapped in another country with no cellphone and no money. They beg you to send a few grand for them to get back home and since it’s a friend (or so you think), you do it. But it’s not! If anyone, even someone who seems to be someone you know, asks you for money, start asking questions only they would know. Make it vague, something they wouldn’t put online (ask about the time they got hammered and drunk dialed their ex, not what their sister’s name is). If you really believe it’s your friend, they’ll accept something that requires an ID and signature to obtain, too. If they get defensive, cut off communication. It’s a scam.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by: The annoying spammers who keep tweeting those links. Stop bothering me.