tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post2398239950268307415..comments2024-03-27T10:25:48.913-04:00Comments on Still Writing: Twitter Pitch ContestJ E Oneilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09780097298061829471noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-21672011973165281292011-04-02T23:33:50.205-04:002011-04-02T23:33:50.205-04:00I like both, but stay away from questions. So it&#...I like both, but stay away from questions. So it's #1 for me.Yamilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08769312615756253197noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-54318089095959624532011-04-02T23:01:03.913-04:002011-04-02T23:01:03.913-04:00I like #1 better because I don't think you nee...I like #1 better because I don't think you need the question in pitch #2, but would like to see the two melded together.LK Gardner-Griffiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05520319424741799928noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-26221413691972861872011-04-02T21:21:40.793-04:002011-04-02T21:21:40.793-04:00I like #1 the most but would incorporate some of 2...I like #1 the most but would incorporate some of 2 in it.<br><br>Sounds interesting.S.A. Husseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16454457235580594733noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-67744609193626963382011-04-02T20:52:36.819-04:002011-04-02T20:52:36.819-04:00To me, asking the question "spends" a lo...To me, asking the question "spends" a lot of characters and takes away space you could use for your pitch. Because of this, I like the first one.<br><br>Christi Corbettchristicorbetthttp://christicorbett.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-68985053470911798972011-04-02T20:33:42.176-04:002011-04-02T20:33:42.176-04:00I can't comment on the subject of questions in...I can't comment on the subject of questions in pitches but I love the feel of Version 2.<br><br>Thank you, by the way, for taking time out to read and critique my own pitch. Your feedback is much appreciated!<br><br><br>M.J. Fifield<br><a href="http://haleine-paperbackwriter.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">My Pet Blog</a>M.J. Fifieldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15626475963328519693noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-87174652152936564912011-04-02T20:28:20.819-04:002011-04-02T20:28:20.819-04:00Absolutely no on the questions. When you focus on ...Absolutely no on the questions. When you focus on voice you lose time for plot, and that's what a pitch is all about. Number one is brilliant, and it has voice anyway(the "genius move" part). The only correction I would make to number 1, which is already good, is that I don't like the word "sanctuary" because it can have so many meanings. Is he going to a church? Or does it mean safety in general?Teralyn Rose Pilgrimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04586129403789427592noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-2191523968954713732011-04-02T20:13:40.814-04:002011-04-02T20:13:40.814-04:00This is a terrific pitch. I like #1best. It's ...This is a terrific pitch. I like #1best. It's got great voice, and it provides more detail (he shot a soldier). Good luck with the contest!Ruth Donnellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12305109099610123918noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-86405135401532141512011-04-02T19:02:39.394-04:002011-04-02T19:02:39.394-04:00I think it has voice but something still doesn'...I think it has voice but something still doesn't sit exactly right. <br>Maybe its just me, because you have the stakes and conflict laid out. <br><a href="http://blkosiner.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow"> Brandi Kosiner </a>Brandileigh2003 (Blkosiner's Book Blog)http://www.blogger.com/profile/01669251993917961293noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-79146016967747586822011-04-02T18:24:35.784-04:002011-04-02T18:24:35.784-04:00Or recombine all three?Eddie shot a soldier-genius...Or recombine all three?<br><br>Eddie shot a soldier-genius move! Now he’s fleeing across the deadlands, dodging bullets, watching his friends die, trying to find sanctuary<br><br>Or something like that, since you have to leave off the last period to get it to 140 exactly :) (Though I still like "He pissed off the wrong guy."Suzi McGowenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13551995840395409781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-61996926374733862592011-04-02T18:11:32.613-04:002011-04-02T18:11:32.613-04:00I keep coming late to the party, dangit. I like th...I keep coming late to the party, dangit. I like the voice in #2, although everyone else probably knows more than I do about questions in pitches. And the "genius move" bit is brilliant-- could you work it back in?<br><br>Also, I want to read this book.Suhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11862479925124552922noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-52689656896415298242011-04-02T17:35:19.848-04:002011-04-02T17:35:19.848-04:00I think both two and three are great, but I prefer...I think both two and three are great, but I prefer two. I think it's got better voice :)Suzi McGowenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13551995840395409781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-75143768449466086112011-04-02T16:34:42.532-04:002011-04-02T16:34:42.532-04:00I like the voice of #1 and the use of "deadla...I like the voice of #1 and the use of "deadlands" and "sanctuary". I'm not as much of a fan of "hey, it was an accident" as everyone else seems to be (I'd like "bad idea" or "stupid move" or some other version of "genius move"), but I appear to be in the minority. In that case, I think I'm with A.B. above - keep the third revision and maybe add those words from the first and you're there.<br><br>Nice work on the pitch and an intriguing story.<br><br>Good luck! Thanks for your comment on mine!mfantaliswriteshttp://mfantaliswrites.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-83321861347172846032011-04-02T16:34:37.191-04:002011-04-02T16:34:37.191-04:00I like the voice of #1 and the use of "deadla...I like the voice of #1 and the use of "deadlands" and "sanctuary". I'm not as much of a fan of "hey, it was an accident" as everyone else seems to be (I'd like "bad idea" or "stupid move" or some other version of "genius move"), but I appear to be in the minority. In that case, I think I'm with A.B. above - keep the third revision and maybe add those words from the first and you're there.<br><br>Nice work on the pitch and an intriguing story.<br><br>Good luck! Thanks for your comment on mine!mfantaliswriteshttp://mfantaliswrites.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-50585379593693933932011-04-02T16:33:17.663-04:002011-04-02T16:33:17.663-04:00I think a combination without any rhetorical quest...I think a combination without any rhetorical questions would be the best fit for this. Maybe:<br><br>Eddie accidently shot a soldier and pissed off the wrong guy. Now he's searching for a safe place in a dead world while his friends die.<br>(138 characters)<br><br>Or something similar... Challenging!Kaleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03104611823742775404noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-59411226442552400122011-04-02T16:31:33.710-04:002011-04-02T16:31:33.710-04:00Okay, I like them all but it didn't stop me fr...Okay, I like them all but it didn't stop me from playing with it a bit. Here's my take ---><br><br>Eddie's no genius. Heck, shooting a soldier proves that, now he has to flee with his friends into the deadlands to escape death, how ironic.<br><br>Okay, it's probably lame. Anyway, each of your examples does what it needs to do to hook the reader. Excellent job! :DBrenda Drakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01263237745979525170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-2857082849471337822011-04-02T16:17:07.809-04:002011-04-02T16:17:07.809-04:00Questions are all a matter of taste. When well don...Questions are all a matter of taste. When well done, I think they're fine.<br><br>Sounds like a fun book. Nice job.Jolene Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14809468564016928636noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-89794361790781262962011-04-02T15:54:27.353-04:002011-04-02T15:54:27.353-04:00I like the third revision! It nicely conveys voice...I like the third revision! It nicely conveys voice ("hey, it was an accident!") and conflict. Could you maybe punch up the specificity in the second sentence, though? "Trying to find a safe place" sounds very vague. Maybe even provide a more specific glimpse into the world itself. For example: "Eddie shot a soldier—hey, it was an accident! But now he’s running from the army, desperate for sanctuary in a world where nothing grows." Or something like that ... :)A.B. Fennerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14840798418316872130noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-17439535623856834842011-04-02T13:08:32.046-04:002011-04-02T13:08:32.046-04:00Personally, and this is from what I have read ona ...Personally, and this is from what I have read ona gent blogs, I wouldn't pitch a question in a pitch, same for query. Just make a statement and it will sound MUCh better. maybe "He pissed off th wrong guy..." Know what I mean?Bekah Snowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05608263805653816002noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-37285713531913295302011-04-02T11:12:46.210-04:002011-04-02T11:12:46.210-04:00Reading your profile, I had to pop back with anoth...Reading your profile, I had to pop back with another comment. I love to nitpick and analyze things to death too! Loved your discussion of all the "-spiration" "-spire" words.Margo Berendsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03476308235642890474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-28207974367052638502011-04-02T11:07:34.009-04:002011-04-02T11:07:34.009-04:00I liked the voice in version 2, but I've heard...I liked the voice in version 2, but I've heard agents say they don't like questions. Both pitches grabbed me though.Margo Berendsenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03476308235642890474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-21217571230061439822011-04-02T10:11:15.640-04:002011-04-02T10:11:15.640-04:00I like the first version better. If he does anythi...I like the first version better. If he does anything to help his friends, I hope you can find a way to work it in. Even if he wants to but can't-Ruthyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10222343177450786859noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-58130059702081521982011-04-02T09:52:37.157-04:002011-04-02T09:52:37.157-04:00I still like the feel of number 1 best. Is there a...I still like the feel of number 1 best. Is there a way to combine the two so you fix the bit about his friends? <br><br>Eddie shot a soldier--genius move. Now he's fleeing across the deadlands, dodging bullets and watching his friends die. <br><br>Or something. :) You are so close, these are both really good.Charity Bradfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-31440523916211895942011-04-02T08:57:10.348-04:002011-04-02T08:57:10.348-04:00i like both versions - the voice is spot on.I thin...i like both versions - the voice is spot on.<br>I think, if pushed to choose, i like 1 a bit more. Though everyone's comments about sanctuary not saving his friends is true (though i didn't notice). BUT i think you could easily fix that (assuming you don't stick to the 140 characters)<br>Great job!Sarah Ahiers (Falen)http://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-62573680550518290542011-04-02T01:24:09.620-04:002011-04-02T01:24:09.620-04:00Oh, I love the voice of the second, but I really l...Oh, I love the voice of the second, but I really like the first. Let's see if we can combine them...<br><br><br>Eddie shot a soldier—genius move. Now he’s fleeing across the deadlands searching for sanctuary, dodging bullets and pissing off the wrong guy. [add stakes?]<br><br>Sounds like a fab story! Great job ;o)erica m. chapmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14773306703153110737noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1281469968333860626.post-6813862503702994712011-04-02T00:57:19.145-04:002011-04-02T00:57:19.145-04:00The second version confuses me a little - at first...The second version confuses me a little - at first I thought that first line was an intro to the pitch or something.<br><br>How about something like:<br><br>"He's pissed off the wrong guy, and now Eddie must flee across the badlands, dodging bullets and watching his friends die."<br><br>as for watching his friends die... it makes me wonder why he can't stop those friends dying? does he even try? almost sounds like he just stands there watching. while running, of course :D<br><br>I'm already intrigued by the story, I must say, and would definitely want to read it! but I think you'd want to clear up the pitch a bit.Trishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16927558937796802496noreply@blogger.com